This is part of a newsletter I got from Mystery containing a learning tool in which he recounts an attempted pick up from both the point of view of the man and the woman. It is definately an interesting read.

He Said/She Said by The Mystery Method

As some of you guys know from last week’s OAP, and from an OAP this summer entitled “Dating in your social circle”, we have occasionally employed the technique of looking at a dating situation from a male and then a female perspective and then trying to unravel what really happened.

At readers’ request, we won’t highlight the key issues of the interaction until the analysis section at the end of each example. So you can read the male and/or the female section and try to guess yourself what happened.

Example 1: Coffee?

PETER SAYS

I had the day off so I went out to practice my skills. I put on this great jacket with a light that flashes on and off, which always gets a lot of attention and went to a Starbucks downtown. There weren’t many people there, and only two or three women seemed like “my type”. I looked around for a while, and then sat with one, asking if I could share her table. She was cool with it, and we talked for a while. She was really friendly, and it turns out we’re both big travel nuts and like kayaking. I figured I had attraction already so I moved to qualify her. I sat back and asked “so, what do you have going for you apart from your looks? I have lots of options; what makes you special?” Turns out she had a boyfriend. The energy kind of fell off after that. No problem. There’s another Starbucks across the street.

SARA SAYS

I don’t start work until noon these days, so when I got up I went to have a latte and catch up on some magazines. This guy came to sit with me, which was strange because the place was empty, but he seemed pretty harmless. He was weird, but not in a really creepy way, but just kind of out of place. Anyway, he was pretty interesting and we talked about our kayaking trips a lot. Then all of a sudden he got weird again, like he was some rockstar and I was hitting on him. I told him I have a boyfriend, and left it at that.

WHAT HAPPENED

Peter did some things right and some things wrong. Let’s take a look.

”I went out to practice my skills.” Excellent. You’ll never get good if you don’t practice. Practice a bit today after you’ve read this OAP, or, better still, after reading some of Magic Bullets(especially chapters 4-6). Then come back and read it again. See how you get more out of it?

* He puts on a “great jacket with a light that flashes on and off, which always gets a lot of attention”. This kind of jacket might be appropriate for an intense nightclub. On a random morning at a mainstream coffee shop, it’s almost certainly out of place, especially since he doesn’t connect it to his identity. This probably contributed to Sara’s initial reaction of “he was weird”.

* “I looked around for a while, and then sat with one [woman], asking if I could share her table”. Bad opening mistake. If he looked around for a while, he wasn’t really following the three second rule. And sitting at someone else’s table after looking around gives a clear indication that not only are you hitting on her, but you were gathering courage before doing so. He needs to study Opening, and in this case, probably would have been better off by using a direct opener. If you’re confused about how to choose an opener, check out CD #1 from the Interview Series by Sinn and Savoy on Opening and Transitions).

* “She was really friendly, and it turns out we’re both big travel nuts and like kayaking.” Sara was probably friendly in part because she’s a friendly person and it’s a low-stress environment. But it also looks like Peter did well to find some commonalities and make her comfortable with him. You could argue that you should have attraction and qualification before comfort, and that’s certainly true in a nightclub, but in a coffee shop where you have more time, you can establish a bit of comfort first. An important observation here is that Peter still has a chance with her at this point despite his ridiculous outfit and initial weirdness. You don’t have to play flawless game to get the girl.

* “I figured I had attraction already so I moved to qualify her. I sat back and asked ‘so, what do you have going for you apart from your looks? I have lots of options; what makes you special?’” This is where Peter lost. It doesn’t appear that he had attraction. He didn’t do anything to gain attraction, she wasn’t giving him indicators of interest (IOIs) and it’s tough to argue that her continuing presence in the interaction was a passive IOI, because she was sitting there first. Thus, the qualification attempt was inappropriate. It was also a very “hard” qualification; not subtle at all. The last sentence is probably too much in just about any circumstance, but even “what have you got going for you more than your looks” is more a high-energy night-game piece. If I were Peter and it was time to qualify, I would used “softer” qualification loops like “I love Italian food. Do you cook?” and following the bait-hook-reel-release model. Qualification is dealt with extensively on DVD #2, which also has pieces on time bridging, pivots, and a 5 minute sample routine in Mystery’s own words, on Mystery’s Video Archive.

Let’s let Peter learn from his mistakes and try again.

Example 2: Coffee for three

PETER SAYS:

I went home and changed into dressy jeans, a plain t-shirt, and a blazer. I want women to think of me as a successful advertising manager, which reflects the direction I’m going in. I put on a top hat for a bit of extra attention, like I’ve seen Mystery wear. At this Starbucks I approached a woman and a man sitting together, using an opinion opener. They were interested, and then I used a cold reading to tell the woman some interesting things about herself, which I teased her for. She started to touch me when laughing, so I wanted to clarify her situation with the other guy. I said “you’d better not do that, your boyfriend might get jealous” sort of as a flirting thing, so she would say something about whether he was her boyfriend or not. She didn’t really say anything to that, but the guy got more involved in the conversation and sort of blocked me out. I tried to stand my ground by making a comment about his shirt but it felt flat.

RACHEL SAYS:

Daniel and I went for coffee on our break. This guy walked in and immediately came up to us. I couldn’t take my eyes off his top hat. He had a couple of interesting things to say and I found myself becoming curious about him, but then he got all aggressive and I was grateful when Daniel got rid of him.

DANIEL SAYS:

When that weird top hat guy was talking to Rachel, I was cool with it. She’s been single for a while and she seemed to like him. But I could see her becoming uncomfortable, and anyway, we were on break to chat and I was bored with the whole thing after a while.

WHAT HAPPENED

I made this one a bit more complicated. Peter did more things right this time, but still committed two crucial errors as well as making a more minor mistake.

* “I went home and changed into dressy jeans, a plain t-shirt, and a blazer.” Well done. This outfit is appropriate for the occasion, and reflects his desired identity, which can be an attractive one for many women and appears to be consistent with who he really is. And then adding some elements for attention…

* “I put on a top hat for a bit of extra attention, like I’ve seen Mystery wear”. Peter clearly didn’t read last week’s OAP, and that’s a shame because he would have avoided this problem. A top hat is in no way appropriate for either the venue or the identity, nor is it even congruent with the rest of the outfit. In this case, it doesn’t seem to have hurt him too much. Rachel and Daniel noticed it. Daniel didn’t like it, and that’s probably why he thought Peter was ”weird” but other men often won’t appreciate your more daring fashion choices. Rachel “couldn’t take [her] eyes off [it]” which means it got a lot of attention, but she didn’t say anything positive or negative about it. It certainly overshadowed the rest of his outfit, which is a shame, because he was off to a good start with it. So, at best, this was an opportunity missed.

* “I approached a woman and a man sitting together, using an opinion opener ”. Excellent! He approached right away and used a type of opener appropriate for mixed sets. Again, the best treatment of openers is by Sinn and Savoy on the Interview Series (sample clip here) CD #1, but Mystery goes into indirect openers and how to stack openers on DVD#4 of his DVDs of his 2005 seminars. Lo and behold, by making the right choices, the set opened, as every set should (and will) with proper technique.

* “I used a cold reading to tell the woman some interesting things aboutherself.” Bravo! Even if Peter isn’t reading the OAPs, he definitely is familiar with CD #1. At The Mystery Method, we’re realizing that we need to do a lot more to explain transitioning from Opening to Attraction. Cold reads are one of the ways to do this. In the future, you’ll be hearing a lot more about transitioning in this space. Anyway, this was well done.

* “I teased her”. Good. Peter is done opening and he is building attraction. Teasing is one way to build attraction. If, by the way, you are lost with all of these phases, go get the free Chapter 3 of Magic Bullets. It lays out the entire Mystery Method model.

* “I said ‘you’d better not do that, your boyfriend might get jealous.’” Oh no. Short of spitting in Daniel’s coffee cup, it’s hard to imagine a bigger mistake Peter could have made here. First, that’s a cheesy way of asking if she has a boyfriend, and she knows it. She loses interest in him because she sees a lack of social skills. Second, Peter is revealing that he is hitting on her before he’s even qualified her. That turns her off. Third, if he’s going to ask if Daniel’s is her boyfriend, then he should at least make sure he gets an answer. Admittedly, the way Peter did it might have worked, in that Rachel could have said “he’s not my boyfriend” or Daniel might have said “we’re just friends”, but why hope for an answer when you can guarantee it with “so, how do you guys know each other?” Anyway, who cares? He’s probably only been talking to them for about 5 minutes and Daniel has done nothing to stop Peter from doing his thing. Why bring it up? If she has a boyfriend, he’ll find out soon enough anyway.

* “The guy got more involved in the conversation and sort of blocked me out.” Well of course he did. Peter had been ignoring him. At a minimum, Peter should have talked to him and earned his respect. At best, he should have used Daniel’s presence to talk to him and discuss conversational subjects that wouldn’t work as well if delivered directly to her. This is an easy way to DHV (Demonstrate Higher Value). I’ve written a lot about attraction recently, so I won’t revisit it here.

* “I tried to stand my ground by making a comment about his shirt but it felt flat.” Peter clearly has no idea on how to deal with mixed sets (men and women in the same group). Overpowering another man socially is a legitimate tactic, but this is absolutely the wrong situation for it. Peter needs to review his copy of CD#7 on AMOGs [Alpha Male Other Guys], Obstacles, and Mixed Sets.

Let’s take Peter out of Starbucks, because it doesn’t seem to be working for him. There’s a great independent café across the street called Francis’ Fabulous Teahouse and we’ll send him there.

Example 3:

PETER SAYS:

At Francis’, I saw two attractive women at a table. I got my coffee, walked over, smiled, and used the jealous girlfriend opener while throwing in a false time constraint. They responded, but not enthusiastically. I went to best friends test, and they loved that. The two women seemed equally attractive to me, but I concentrated on the one to my left, gave her a quick neg, another false time constraint, and then told the other one she reminded me of a friend who had been with me on the Peace Corps (we just got back). They both asked me about that, and I got some mileage out of it, but changed the subject and roleplayed how the woman on my left would hate the Corps because there are no hair dryers (she has long soft brown hair). She laughed and asked my name. A few minutes later, she was re-applying lipstick and asking me lots of questions. I was in. I asked her whether she was adventurous and spontaneous – she said yes – so I challenged her to back it up. She told some good stories. I built on them and told them some of my own. They were going shopping and invited me along, but I invited them to my friend’s gallery that night. They said they’d come, so I got the brunette’s phone number and told her I’d text her later.

JASMINE SAYS:

I was interested in Peter right away. He was well-dressed and confident and didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. He was funny and interesting and definitely flirting with me (I think). I hoped he’d come shopping with us. He said no, but I gave him my number anyway.

WHAT HAPPENED:

Peter did almost everything right here. I would quibble with a couple of things he did towards the end, but they’re not necessarily wrong.

* “I got my coffee, and walked over, smiled, and used the jealous girlfriend opener while throwing in a false time constraint.” Textbook opening structure on an all-girl set. I’m still irritated at Peter for not reading the OAPs, but he knows CD #1 cold.

* “They responded, but not enthusiastically.” It happens, even though Jasmine was interested. Often, she won’t be interested this early, especially if they are attractive. Sometimes you have to work.

* “They were equally attractive to me, but I concentrated on the one to my left” . Nice! Pick a target. If you don’t know who you want, you won’t know how to set up a challenge with, who needs to find you attractive, and who needs to be qualified, or, on the other side, who has endorse you as a great choice without feeling jealous of her friend.

* He “told the other one she reminded me of a friend, who was with me on the Peace Corps (we just got back).” Another example of a good transition. The Peace Corps is a DHV to some women. Hopefully, if they hadn’t asked follow up questions about it, he would not have pursued the subject. Equally impressive was that he knew when to get out of that conversation. You want to touch on multiple topics when you interact with women, not just one. And it’s always good to leave some things unsaid – she will want to hear more about your experiences in the Peace Corps later as opposed to being bored with the one subject you talked about, and, therefore, bored with you. Sinn and Future do an excellent treatment of Storytelling in CD#3

* “She laughed and asked my name. A few minutes later, she was re-applying lipstick and asking me lots of questions. I was in. I asked her whether she was adventurous, and spontaneous and challenged her to back it up.” He recognized three IOIs (did you?) and began the qualification process, with some medium-strength qualification questions. Three IOIs is not a magical rule, but it’s an okay baseline. I think the environment and the interaction thus far probably would have lent itself to a softer qualification process, but qualification appears to be a sticking point of Peter’s (see Example #1: Coffee, above).

* “They were going shopping and invited me along, but I invited them to my friend’s gallery that night. They said they’d come, so I got the brunette’s phone number and told her I’d text her later.” Peter thought that tagging along with them shopping was putting him too much in their frame, and is probably right. Frame control is crucial when setting up dates and day2s. I’d like to cover it more here but Sinn and Savoy did a masterful job on CD#5: Frame Control “the most important CD we’re going to do” according to Sinn. Peter counters with inviting them to a gallery opening and taking Jasmine’s number. That’s more or less right. Invite them both, but at this point, it’s understood that there’s some possibilities between him and Jasmine, so it’s her number that he takes. A friend’s gallery opening is a good Day2, so either Peter was reading the old OAPs on Day2s or he studied Future and Ajax on Day2s CD.

* I think what Peter could have done better with the Day2 was to say he had something to do for the next couple hours (ideally, something that implied a DHV) but that he’d meet them for a drink when they were done. That would reduce the chance of Jasmine and her friend flaking (by the time the night rolled around, Jasmine might have been tired from her day shopping, remembered that she already had dinner plans, been distracted by something else, etc.). Also, it would have increased the chances of seeing Jasmine alone. If Jasmine came to the gallery opening, they probably both would come. (If she came alone, Peter is so in with her it’s not even worth discussing). But if he met up with them for a drink after their shopping, there’s a decent chance that Jasmine’s friend would leave the two of them alone after a bit, especially if Peter suggested bouncing to dinner, or even the gallery opening. But I’m quibbling here – Peter did an excellent job.

Read the Review of Magic Bullets 

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