About the Author

I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. I am fascinated with improving our general well-being. It can be done. It must be done. Find me on Facebook, lets talk more.

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Last night after the radio show Mike Stoute and I headed over to a local pub for a couple beers. The radio show was quite stressful as there was a shit load of technical difficulties with the transmitter… which messed the phone lines up, and hence, instead of talking to our planned guest we were forced to improvise. It left us feeling drained and just looking to unwind. The both of us already had girls we were going to be meeting later on, so our intentions were solely to chat a little and throw a few beers back.

As some of you know, both Mike and I are recenty single, and once again experiencing some of the things that make dating such a pain in the ass. Our conversation at the bar turned towards the girls we were going to be meeting later on in the night. Both of us had been dating these girls for a brief period of time and already beginning to experience the “what is this” or “where is this going” or “what should I tell my friends we are” talk. The talk that takes the fun out of casual relationships.

Mike and I were telling each other various stories of time’s we’ve been in the situation and how the different girls reacted. We were trying to come up with the “right” way to answer the dreaded “what is this?” question. Although the topic was some what serious, we began making a goof of it by coming up with over the top comebacks to the question. “Well, Sally now that you’ve asked… I thought we would spend a few weeks fucking, you know, to keep by dick occupied until something better comes along.” The goofing put us in a better mood and got us laughing a bit.

Keen to the fact that there were two fairly attractive girls standing next to us sipping drinks, Mike casually turns to them and says “Whats the best way to respond to a girl when she asks ‘what is this’ and you’re not really into her?” The girls were all too eager to jump in with their opinions. The four of us quickly became immersed in conversation. Soon the question became “what do you say when someone tells you ‘I love you’ during sex, and you don’t feel the same way? This got the conversations even livelier and more provocative. Soon the two girls were met by another female friend and instantly dragged her into the conversations, introducing us to her as if we were long time acquaintances.

After getting a handful of text messages from the girls we were supposed to be meeting later on, we decided to call it an evening and head home. Although both of the girls we were talking to at the bar were attractive, neither of them struck enough interest in Mike or I to ask for numbers. So we said goodbye and left.

On the way home I got to thinking how smoothly the whole conversation transpired. It reminded me of another time a few months back when I used an opinion opener that lead to a one night stand. I posted that story in our new field reports section if you missed it originally when I posted it awhile back. What the two nights had in common, and what I believe made the openers work so smoothly, was the fact that they were legitimate questions that we wanted the answer to.

In the Houlihan’s story Eddy and I were already engrossed in a conversation that was entertaining us, so it was perfectly natural to invite a couple girl’s into it- to share their opinions. Our energy was real and the girl’s sensed it… which opened them up to take interest in our opinion opener. The same thing happened last night with Mike. Mike and I were legitimately curious to know what a girl wanted to hear from a guy when she asks “what is this?” so the girls we asked were more than willing to commit to the conversation.

I think that the biggest mistake guys make when it comes to fully understand how to use an opinion opener is that they don’t realize that they need to have some emotional involvement in the answer. If you’re using canned openers, chances are you are using an opener that someone else had emotional involvement in, and that is why it worked for them, and not for you. When I use the phrase “emotional involvement” it doesn’t mean you need to feel deeply and passionately about the topic, but it does mean that you have to have some level of curiosity and interest.

For instance, most people have heard of Neil Strauss’s “80’s pop duo ” opener. Neil Strauss found humor in naming dogs after an 80’s pop duo, so when he asked that opener at the very least he was entertained by the idea. Some people are out there using this same opener and weren’t even born in the 80’s and could care less about 80’s pop duos. These people have no emotional involvement in the opener and it will rarely work for them. If the notion of naming a couple pugs “Hall and Oates” doesn’t make you laugh, how is it supposed to be entertaining to a girl you’re imposing it on?

Joseph Mathews wrote one of my favorite books on opening called “The Art of Approaching” but I think the biggest mistake others who buy that book make is that they skip all the great theory and skill building and flip right to the long collection of openers. There is nothing magic in an opener that Mathews created, or Mystery created, or Style or Tyler Durden or Mehow. Those are just openers that happened to work for them. Just like I wrote about Mike’s “whats the best answer” opener, and I’m sure I’ll read in some field report in a few weeks how someone used that as their opener.

I think instead of focusing on what Mike said to initiate the conversation last night you should focus on the way the night took place. Mike and I went out to have some good conversation. We were discussing a topic that interested and entertained us. When the point in the conversation called for another opinion we casually turned to the girl’s next to us and asked them a question. Our energy was good, our topic interesting, and everything flowed from there.

Now you may not always be in the middle of a great conversation when you want to approach a girl. If that’s the case, instead of using an opener from someone else’s past great conversation, use one from your own. If a couple nights ago you and a few friends were in a heated debate over whether or not American Idol is rigged… then draw upon that conversation for an opener. If you were talking about “who turns out more successful the high school nerds or jocks” then use that as opener. At least you had some emotional involvement in them at one point.

And I think if you’re genuinely curious about the answer than you won’t hear that little nagging voice in the back of your head calling you a fraud when you say “Do floss before brushing?”