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I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. I am fascinated with improving our general well-being. It can be done. It must be done. Find me on Facebook, lets talk more.

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When you do these daily conversations in the beginning you’re just aiming to get used to the banter and to reduce the anxiety you get from having conversations with women. Women’s defenses tend to be down more in these casual daytime situations than they are in a bar or nightclub where they are more guarded due to being hit on incessantly, so you’ll experience less rejection and more responsiveness than you would in a nightspot. With these drills, you don’t have to get a number or pick a woman up. The point is to get comfortable starting conversations with women and to get comfortable with the occasional rejection. In fact, the more you get rejected, the more you realize that it won’t kill you and that it’s not the end of the world. And that alone is important. Then you’ll want to get used to observing and interpreting body language. Then you need to focus on using your body language to convey the alpha male impression you want to convey. Once you get used to doing your daily daytime drills and getting comfortable starting and maintaining conversations with women, you’ll see your bar or nightclub game improve dramatically.

Nightlife Comfort

Since this article is supposed to be about building comfort, I’m not going to focus on openers and how to start conversations with women. There are plenty of other articles out there about that. I’m going to focus on how to build comfort with a woman once you’re already in conversation with her.

First, never sound desperate to please. Be cocky, be playful, tease her like she’s your little sister. Make her laugh, but never at your own expense. Don’t use self-deprecating humor. Avoid it at all costs. There is one exception to the self-deprecating humor rule: you can use self-deprecating humor if it’s blatantly insincere and actually points out one of your strengths: for example, if you have an athletic, muscular physique, you can joke about what a 95 lb. weakling you are. It works great because (a) it’s genuinely funny when done right and (b) it points out one of your strengths yet comes off less obnoxious and approval-seeking than outright bragging. But outside of that exception, avoid self-deprecation or anything that lowers your status.

Second, don’t apologize for who you are and don’t be afraid to offend, because both those tendencies are obstacles to building comfort. When many guys come across a pretty woman, the anxiety kicks in and they start getting flustered easily. Then they start overapologizing. A woman busts their balls a little bit and they backtrack or apologize immediately. They are so afraid of not getting her approval that they almost beg for it. Don’t do it. Don’t apologize. Stick to your guns. Of course use your discretion; if you step on her foot or spill a drink on her, then you should apologize. Apologizing for your actions is the right thing to do under some circumstances. Apologizing for who you are and what you believe however is a no-no.

I’ll give an example of this. A friend of mine, Beethoven, recently approached two women at a bar. The conversation started out well enough, but at some point one of the girls asked Beethoven what he and his friends were discussing earlier. Beethoven responded “We were just discussing how many fat girls there are here tonight.” His target’s jaw dropped and she was absolutely mortified. She said “That’s not very nice” and seemed disgusted. But Beethoven stuck to his guns, didn’t backtrack and didn’t apologize. He just looked her up and down and said “Whatever, why does it bother you? It’s not like you have anything to worry about looking the way you do” and just kept going with the conversation. If he apologized, instead of making the situation better, it would have just highlighted the awkwardness, which would have made her uncomfortable, and even worse, put her in a position of dominance, which would make her lose respect for him. Not only did he turn that potential negative into a positive, he ended up hooking up with her.

Women do not respect a man they can easily dominate or make uncomfortable, and if they do not respect you, they will feel uncomfortable around you. By never sounding desperate to please and never apologizing for who you are, you earn their respect and set the foundation for building more comfort.

Third, know when to stop negging and teasing so much. Sometimes when guys get really good at the negging and teasing and see the initial results it gets them, they go overboard and do it for too long. And then it goes from being cute and charming to just smug, annoying and dickish. Once you start winning a woman over and she is warming up to you, she is going to want to start getting to know you and building rapport with you. If you just keep negging and teasing at the same level you were when you first started building comfort with her, you risk coming off as a real obnoxious prick. You should keep playful tone and never stop teasing totally, but you do want to dial it down as you build more and more rapport with the girl. And you never, ever want to tease a girl about a topic related to her core values. If she’s heavily into church, don’t mock religion. If she is passionate about fashion and works in the field, don’t mock her chosen field as frivolous or stupid. If she’s passionate about politics and is involved in certain causes, don’t tease or playfully insult her favorite cause or ideology. Good rule of thumb is to be careful about negging about political stances, chosen careers and religious beliefs, as these tend to represent a person’s core values and insulting these, even playfully, often does more harm than good.

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