Don’t Buy the Cheap Sex Toys: A Cautionary Tale

I’ve been working on my follow up to Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys post. I’ve been doing a mental run down of some of my experiences with sex toys so that I can find a few to talk about in the upcoming Intermediate Guide to Sex Toys post due out next week.

I’ve always been pretty experimental in the bedroom… dare I say… kinky. I have a wild imagination, sue me. Lucky for me, right from the start, I’ve found girls willing to let me indulge in my whims.

But what I’ve noticed while mulling over my exploits is that often these whims have turned out to end on a sour note.

There was the time I took a roll of film of my ex in compromising positions… that mysteriously disappeared when we went to the CVS to pick them up.

There was the time we lost the key to the handcuffs….

The time I jokingly asked my ex to pee on me… and she did!

The time I bought the super large dildo to play with on her… and then suddenly felt inadequate.

But nothing was worse than the time I cheaped out on the sex toys.

This was back when I was dating my first girlfriend Jillian. For all her flaws… I do say, she was gung ho in the bedroom. We were like a couple of perverts trying to see what we could come up with next. Role playing, bondage, blindfolds, fruits and vegetables, voyeurism… we did it all.

One day I ventured off to the holy grail of perverted fun.. The Pleasure Palace. This place had everything I ever dreamed about. I was a kid in the candy store. I wanted everything. Only I had very little money.

Luckily, I spotted a discount shelf. There were a handful of items marked down for clearance. With the amount of money in my pocket, my choice was narrowed down to a cock ring, edible panties, or anal beads.

I went with the anal beads for the low low price of $4.99.

For those of you unaware of what anal beads are; These are a series of beads attached to each other usually by a string with a handy retrieval ring. The package promised that if I inserted them into her ass… and then pulled them out right as she climaxed… she would reach new orgasmic heights. Worth a shot, right?

Jillian wasn’t thrilled with my new toy. She only mildly liked it when i did her anal, and usually felt dirty about it afterwards. But I can be pretty persuasive. I sold her on the “new orgasmic heights.”

Things started out amusing enough with the beads. We tried them out in her vagina first. In and out, in and out. As our session got steamier, I started poking my finger around her ass trying to warm her up to it. She squirmed a bit… but soon enough I’m digging away, and she’s liking it. I take this as my cue to start sliding the anal beads in. They were still pretty lubed up from her pussy juice, so they went in without a fight.

By this time, I’m doing her pretty hard missionary. I’ve got her legs spread over her head. Wailing away. Jillian starts making her “I’m going to cum” face, so I reach under her ass and grab the ring and get ready to yank.

Just as the two of us reach orgasm I pull the string in one quick flick of the wrist.

She did a giant pelvic thrust… but then flashed me a reassuring smile to let me know she enjoyed.

I was a proud man.

That was until I looked down at the string in my hand.

The string which had five beads going in… had come out with four.

I quickly tried to hide the string under the pillow. But my face must have given it away. Jillian starts asking, “what’s wrong?”

“One of the balls didn’t come out” I tell her.

She jumps up and grabs the string from under the pillow. It is obvious that the bead slipped over the last knot.

She starts panicking. She reaches her hand around to her ass and starts holding her anus open while jumping up and down. I pray the bead will pop out. It doesn’t.

If you remember from previous mentions of Jillian , she wasn’t the most mentally stable girl. She starts hyperventilating. She’s screaming, “You better get this fucking thing out of my ass.”

I say, “Maybe you should try taking a shit.”

She looks like she’s going claw my face off. I get behind her and start prodding around. I want to reach in, but I am afraid I’ll just push it back further.

Now she’s crying so loud I can’t concentrate.

I say “Maybe we should go to the Health Center on campus. See if they have any suggestions.”

I take from her reaction that wasn’t an option.

I calm her down enough to walk her into the bathroom. I sit her naked body on the toilet and tell her to push like she constipated… push like she’s trying to get a baby out.

She starts pushing. She’s making some nauseating faces and I have to leave the room.

The grunts and growls that were coming out the bathroom would have scared small children.

After a few minutes they stop.

“I feel it” she screams.

I open the door and peak in. Jillian has her ass raised above the bowl and is shaking it violently. But nothing is falling out.

“Its right there. I can feel it. Look and see if you can see it.”

She kneels down over the bowl and lunges her ass into the air. I take my two fingers and pry apart her anus.

“Push” I tell her.

She begins pushing, grunting, and growling all over again.

Miraculously the little purple bead appears… but just as I’m about to grab it her anus closes shut and sucks it back in.

“Push again, harder this time” I demand.

She’s pushing so hard one of the veins in her forehead seems its going to burst. I’m really hoping a turd doesn’t pop out along with the bead. I’d have to dump her.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” she screams.

The bead plops onto the floor.

I pick the thing up and flush it down the toilet. I walk in the room and grab the string and flush all the beads down the toilet.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t buy the cheap sex toys.