We are at the 28th day of our 31 Days to Better Game series. The last two lessons focused on turning a female friend into your girlfriend. While this may ultimately be what you want, if you’ve never been in a serious relationship before I think its crucial that you follow some guidelines heading in.
I asked one of our loyal readers Chase, who has dished out some great advice on the shoutbox to write a lesson on managing a relationship. Even if you’re not dating someone right now… this is stuff you need to know in advance. Once the relationship begins, as Chase says, you only have a small amount of time to mold it to your liking.
day 28
Managing a Relationship by M. Chase
Hey guys. Chase here, for those who don’t know me. I’m guessing since I’m getting married in September (let’s see how that goes) is why I was asked to write about managing a relationship for the 31 days series. Apologies in advance for the long post, but the stuff below is golden. If you are interested in a relationship, be it monogamous, MLTR, or just a fuck buddy hopefully you can pick something up from this. I am not a guru, these are just guidelines I’ve been taught and implemented that have worked wonders. I’m not re-inventing the wheel here, these are not my ideas. To give credit so I don’t step on any toes or get a lawsuit thrown at me, most of these are Seb Drake’s concepts.
Here we go…
Let’s be blunt here…when women get complacent in a relationship they tend to treat their guy like shit. If you think I’m joking head to the mall on a Saturday afternoon, buy a drink, then sit down and watch couples interact. It’s a mind-blowing experience to watch how some guys get treated in public…and they put up with it. Here’s a true story. One of my good friends got married a while back. Honeymoon was great, everything was normal. Then she quit her job and took over the finances. He was GIVEN a $20 allowance per week with the money he earned. The marriage lasted six months until he finally flipped. Guys, while sad this can be prevented.
The Vase Concept
This is the best analogy I’ve heard…relationships are like a vase…clay and water getting molded together on a wheel. You only have a set amount of time, maybe two months to make things how you want them to be. Once the vase gets thrown into the oven and hardened, there it is and good luck changing it. We’re all creatures of habit. If you decide one day you’re going to break the mold with a girl you’ve been seeing the vase cracks…yeah, good luck with that. It’s not that it can’t be fixed, it just takes a hell of a lot of time to do it (and this goes double for friends or ex-girlfriends who already know you). Should put a little perspective on the divorce rate in this country.
Precedence is absolutely key. We all get caught up in the moment when we’re with a new girl we like. Something in our heads wants to make her happy and seek approval. If she asks you to do something, and this can be anything you seriously don’t want to do (going to plays, singing karaoke, fancy dinners, doing the laundry…whatever). DO NOT do it from day one. Never. If this will piss you off a couple of months from now don’t start the cycle. The moment you get fed up the precedent has been broken and the vase cracks. Again, good luck with that.
Don’t get the wrong impression that you should never compromise. You simply have to. The real question is what you’re willing to compromise on. Ashlyn just moved into my place and did some redecorating. Can’t say I’m exactly thrilled with the changes (I’m now a plant owner) but it’s something I can live with, even if I have to water the damn things.
Set Expectations
Guys, people act like they are expected to. Frankly, I’m surprised this isn’t addressed more in the community. Everyone acts differently around different people. Let me ask a question. Would you drop a f-bomb in front of your grandmother? I know I wouldn’t have. This is just psych 101. Do you act the same way around your best friend that you would around your boss?
Now what you should ask yourself is why?
The same thing goes for relationships. You can’t exactly change someone’s personality, but you can nudge them in certain directions. Getting someone to admit to something you want wins the battle…if they renege on it later you can bust them on it. People tend to live up to what they’ve admitted to. This is very powerful in the seduction phase. For example, if I’m into a woman and looking for a MLTR, I’ll drop something like “look at all the women in this place that need a man to hold their hand…please tell me you’re not like that.” You can use a variation of this for any trait you’re looking for.
This is also very good for compliance. If she’s into you she’ll agree with pretty much anything you say unless it’s way out of her personality. If she disagrees on a trait you’re looking for it’s up to you if you want to pursue it.
Draw the Battle-Lines
Probably the best advice I’ve ever gotten. Gentleman, draw the battle-lines. This was so far out of my reality I thought it was a joke…it wasn’t. When women get pissed they will push you to see what they can get away with. We all do it. In the seduction context make a list of what will make you happy in a relationship. A loyal girl, bj every day, sex 4 times a week…etc. Whatever you really want. Now push it forward. If you set your expectations farther than what you really need you’ll always be in the clear when problems come up that have to be worked out.
I’m trying to remember how this went, something along the lines of “can we just have sex tonight instead of you doing me anal on the balcony”…fucking hilarious.
If anything I hope you guys got something out of this.
M. Chase II
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July 22, 2008
Great post. Another thing worth looking into is Evil Dave’s After Game training. Check it out here: http://www.area51lifestyle.com/AfterGameTraining.php
July 22, 2008
““can we just have sex tonight instead of you doing me anal on the balcony”” LOL!!
Fucking hilarious indeed.
Some great advice there Chase. I also find it personally interesting a little, how some of that stuff is so simple and things most of us already know or have ‘learned lessons from’ in the past yet every once in a while find ourselves almost sub-consciously it seems falling into the same traps or committing some of the same mistakes. Good news is, usually we don’t make them as bad as we did previously but still…
July 22, 2008
Anyway to edit the above message? Forgot to put my name —> Sebastian
July 22, 2008
Good stuff..
I’d like to add that couples often get into fights because of misunderstandings. Sometimes she may do something you don’t like because she doesn’t know it bothers you, and you get mad so you do something out of spite back and then it escalates.
If she is doing something you don’t like, tell her in a firm but nice way, “I don’t like it when you do X”.
If she keeps doing it, then she is purposely doing something that she knows upsets you.
Other times you’ll do something that upsets her but you had no idea it would bother her. When she says something about it (and she WILL), let her know that you didn’t know it would bother her and that you did not intentionally do it to mess with her.
If she gets mad at you about something you didn’t do on purpose or if she purposely does something to mess with you, it’s time to get a new girlfriend.
July 22, 2008
I’m in complete agreement with Luicifer. You simply can’t get angry at someone for doing something that you didnt tell them NOT to do. And refusing to mention it and just waiting to “see” if she does it more - well, thats just tricking her into pissing you off. Douche move, and will only make you even angrier. But if you DO tell her, and she does it again, chances are, she will always do it. At this point, you either leave, or decide to put up with and quit your bitching about it. Seriously, I cant STAND when people KNOW that their bf or gf will always keep doing something, yet continue to whine and moan and get pissed off about it! It’s YOUR choice to stay and put up with it - deal with it or leave! either way - shut up about it.
Actually, I think this is one of the most important things you can learn from a long-term relationship. What exactly are you willing to put up with, and what behaviors are you willing to change? I mean, there are TONS of things you think you could never live with, but you dont actually know for sure until you try. And the reverse, too - there are lots of things you dont think will bother you, but end up being a deal-breaker. Also, maybe someone asks you do stop a behavior that bothers them - maybe at first you think “ok, no biggie” but then you discover its actually really important to you, or simply impossible for you to stop. (This part works in reverse, maybe you thought you would never stop doing something, but find that quitting isnt as big a deal as you thought).
Fact is, regardless of what you think you want/need/are willing to do - you dont actually KNOW until you give it a real try. This kind of self-discovery will help you in all your next relationships.
Knowing this information will REALLY help you with the last two concepts Chase listed. You will be able to straight out say what you want, and what you DONT want. (And don’t forget the old reward-punishment training methods)
As for the first concept - the vase concept - I call it something different. I call it - NO FALSE ADVERTISING. Seriously, dont do shit at the beginning of a relationship that you know you cant (or wont) keep up forever. If you do, you are just selling her on a relationship that simply wont be delivered. Tricking her, really. Not delivering on those unspoken deals really causes problems later on.
July 22, 2008
oh - and one more bit of advice about long-terms:
you ever hear that phrase “never go to bed angry”?
Its total and complete BULLSHIT. If you are angry, and tired, and want to sleep - GO TO SLEEP. Nothing makes an issue worse than a bleary-eyed circular argument lasting to 3am the night before work. You are tired, you are grumpy, and you are emotional. So much better to give yourself some rest, some time to cool off, and THEN talk about it. Half the time, you wont even NEED to argue about it later, because its usually something stupid.
July 23, 2008
I feel you on the never go to bed angry bit athena.
If something upsets you, most of the time the best thing to do is just sleep it off, and allow yourself to mellow out. Well, maybe a lil drink, or whatever may help.
From what i see in many relationships present day is that people often set our expectations too high. Then when people don’t meet their outrageous demands they flip out. Now don’t get me wrong in my saying this. You shouldn’t settle for anything less than the best, but at least keep your expectations within tangible means. Sometimes it is good to say “eh what the hell, I’ll make a a concession somewhere down the line.”
July 23, 2008
I agree, lilez. There are billions of people in the world, the idea of finding the perfect one is just silly. You can find the “spark” in a good chunk of them. After that, its just a matter of figuring out what you absolutely NEED and absolutely CANT live with. Everything else is worth compromising on.
Sure, you could make a 5 page list of everything you would like in the perfect girlfriend - but those aren’t necessarily the things you NEED. hell, you may even find someone who meets all those criteria and still not be happy. or find someone who has only one or two things on that list, who looks “bad on paper” but makes you so happy.
I would guess that 90% of what you think you want is totally unnecessary. A girlfriend or boyfriend is not your savior. It’s tough enough just to find someone you are actually attracted to and compatible with, no need to put the “dream girl” criteria on them. All you need are the basic bones, its up to you two to flesh things out and keep it running.
July 31, 2008
I was in an amazing 3 year relationship with a girl. I really don’t intend to come across as misogynistic by saying this, but I trained her early and that is why she took such good care of me. I said no, told her when she fucked up and to never do it again, gave her mind blowing sex after she did stuff like cook and clean for me and everything was great. The only times we had drama were when I drank too much and acted like an idiot. For which I bought her flowers and told her I was a jackass. I think its so important that a man holds his ground when his lady is acting up. But don’t ever think she’ll see you as less of a man for admitting when you fucked up. Too bad I lost attraction to her. I fucking loved that girl.