Some Advice For The Ladies…

How to Become a Keeper

A couple weeks ago I was working out; you know pumping iron for the ladies. Ok, I was just reading Men’s Fitness in the bathroom looking for a little “spank material”; some of those buff chicks are really hot! Anyway, I was glancing through the articles, while looking at the pictures, and I saw a statistic that really bothered me. I quickly finished “my business” and jumped on the internet to do a little research. As it turns out, the article was accurate. Women who have breast implants are 73% more likely to commit suicide than women without breast implants.

This almost brought me to tears! I would sooner water paint a mustache on the Mona Lisa than allow a young lady with saline enhanced goodness to take her own life at an early age. In fact, there are very few things in this world that I would rather see less and here they are, in no particular order:

1) Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas naked. Unless a ray of sunshine came flying out of her vagina, her ass tasted like spearmint, and her nipples were vodka dispensers it couldn’t be anything but a disappointment. She is way too hot as it is with her clothes on; don’t ruin it for me.

2) An extremely small gay black man, sitting on my couch watching Pay Per View heterosexual porn. (I wish I was making this up, but it happened a few weeks ago.)

3) Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’s “How to catch a predator” walking into the living room, instead of the 12 year old girl I thought I just met on the internet, while waiting for some sweet tea.

4) Any girl I am dating leaving floaties in the toilet.

Generally speaking, one rule has remained constant in my life; the bigger the bra size, the bigger the trouble. I can live with that and ladies, so should you! A pair of perfectly crafted breasts are more beautiful than a Caribbean sunset, tastier than homemade lasagna, and more rare than…well, who am I kidding? I live in Scottsdale. Fake boobs are a dime a dozen here, but that doesn’t make them any less desirable or mean each and every pair doesn’t hold a special place in my heart. Bottom line is that besides Tivo, fake boobs are the single most important contribution man has made in the last 1000 years, don’t mess it up for the rest of us.

Ladies, it is clear that I will never understand what is going through your head; most of your decisions make about as much sense to me as putting a screen door on a submarine. To compound the issue of you making no sense, many of you have already found the book (and soon to be shitty movie) “He’s really not that into you” by Greg Behrendt. Let me start by saying, “Greg Behrendt is a pussy!” He knows less about how men really think than I know about manual labor, telling when a woman is faking an orgasm, or the reasoning behind why we haven’t bombed the French yet.

Knowing that Behrendt is full of crap and being the selfless person I am, I decided to impart a little wisdom on you and give you some sure fire ways to tell if he in fact really is not that into you.

If we don’t have sex with you in the morning before giving you taxi money, we are really not that into you. Perhaps we should take this a little further. Guys break girls down to three categories: face, boobs, and legs and ass. Similarly, they break the day down into three corresponding parts: late night, morning, and primetime. If you only have 1 of the 3 working for you, odds are you are only getting called late at night. Two of the three, you get late night and morning. If you have all three, sky is the limit; just don’t be a nag.

However, sometimes it doesn’t matter how hot you are, you just might not be that interesting. If you only get text messages that say things like “what’s up tonight” or “hi sweetie” or that simply give directions on when and where to meet, chances are you are annoying. Consider monitoring how much you talk and what you talk about then stop it immediately!

If we don’t call when we say we’ll call, don’t worry about it. It is not a big deal. Talking on the phone sucks and shit comes up all time, don’t be such a baby. If you start complaining that we didn’t call you will become annoying and then you will get moved to the text only list. Lastly, tickle the jewels a little while performing oral. I know that is not really a way to tell if we like you or not; but if you do it, we will overlook a lot of other stuff you do wrong; combine that with fake boobs and you’ve just become a keeper!