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A Mistake Men Make That Turns Women Off Instantly

By on March 4, 2009

How to Lose a Female Friend

david+deangelo+double+your+datingI got this letter newsletter from David D and felt I had to pass it along to you. This is the kind of newsletter you read and realize how badly you messed it up with a woman in the past. I’ve spoken of my bouts with the sickness and wish I had read this earlier.

This is also the type of post that you want to save somewhere on your computer… and when the day comes you start having feeling for a female friend, you need to pull it out and read it again.

A Mistake That Turns a Woman Off Instantly by David DeAngelo

I’d like to tell you a story…

It’s a story that you might find strangely familiar. Don’t be alarmed.

Once upon a time, there was a man who was very attracted to a particular woman.

At first, she was just another attractive woman… but the more he got to know her, the more he began to feel attracted to her… and the more time he spent with her, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for her.

But, there was one problem.

As his emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, he also grew more and more insecure.

Why?

Because he couldn’t tell whether or not she felt the same way towards him.

Sometimes, she would say things like, “You are so important to me” and “I’m glad that you’re in my life”… but nothing ever progressed past the “friendship” stage.

There was an occasional hug, an occasional kiss on the cheek from her… and once, she even held his hand for a long time while he talked about an emotional issue.

But, something was wrong with the picture.

She just wasn’t acting like a woman that was “falling in love”. She was acting like a friend.

The insecurity that he felt became a spiral that amplified itself… and the more insecure he things up” by kissing her or asking her to be his girlfriend.

Plus, the more insecure he became, the less time she seemed to want to spend with him.

After spending many days and nights obsessing over this girl, the man finally arrived at the conclusion that, if she only knew how HE FELT, she would feel the same way.

So, he made a bold move.

He TOLD HER how he felt.

He confessed that he was in love and that he would do anything to be with her.

She looked at him with compassion in her eyes and said, “Thank you… I really mean that… but I don’t want to mess up our friendship… you’re too important to me….”

This only confused the man more.

He didn’t know how to take it…

Did it mean that she really loved him too, but that she was afraid of something?

Did it mean that she wasn’t ready for a long term relationship?

Did it mean that she didn’t love him, but that she was trying to give him a hint?

Did it mean that he hadn’t tried hard enough?

Did it mean that he needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let her know how he felt?

He finally decided that he couldn’t go on like this anymore… he had to be with her.

He had to make sure that she knew just how much he wanted to be with her… so, he took a big step
– He bought her a symbolic gift and wrote her a long, long letter… again confessing his feelings.

And then, the unthinkable happened.

She didn’t reply.

He called her three times a day for almost a week before reaching her.

She made an excuse about being very busy and said, “I’ll try to give you a call soon, I have to go”… and hung up…

but… he never got a call back.

Over the following months the man tried desperately to understand what went wrong… and what happened.

THE END

OK, I’m back.

Now, wasn’t that a sweet story?

Heartwarming, huh?

I know, I should keep my day job, and not take up writing romance novels…

Now, let’s talk about that story.

That story is basically a MYTH.

And I’m not talking about FICTION here.

I’m talking about a story that rings true for a great majority of men. A story that is timeless. A story that resonates at a deep level because you can IDENTIFY with it.

And why does this particular story resonate for most men?

Because we’ve all been there in one way or another… at one time or another… and many of us have been there OFTEN in our lives.

Another thing that gives this particular story a lot of power is the powerful negative emotions that it stirs… as a result of the powerful negative experiences that it reminds us of…

Stories and situations like this one really FASCINATE me.

They fascinate me because I see them as an opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles that they represent.

In this particular situation I think there is a solution.

And it lies in understanding a secret that women know, but MEN DON’T.

And that secret comes down to the reality that if a woman isn’t ATTRACTED to a man, all of his attempts to confess his love, convince her to like him, and court her BACKFIRE.

In other words, they not only DON’T WORK, they actually make things WORSE.

The very things that a man does to try to make a woman LIKE HIM, make her NOT like him.

They make her run.

All those great intentions and emotional dedication actually cause the man feeling them to do things that make her go away.

It sucks.

And I hope that by explaining the process of how this happens, I’ll help you to avoid this painful situation in the future…

THE “INSTANT EWWW”

I’m always fascinated by the idea that we humans don’t always understand the message that we’re communicating to others…

So often we think that just because we WANT to communicate a message, that others are going to NATURALLY understand what we’re trying to say.

Have you ever seen a guy in a foreign car that has wheels on it that cost more than the caritself… with his stereo blasting… and a muffler that somehow AMPLIFIES the raw sound of the 4-cylinder motor…?

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I don’t think that car is communicating the message to women that he thinks it is”…?

Yeah, I have too.

Well here’s the deal:

If you do something to “let a woman know how you feel”… but she isn’t ATTRACTED to you, then it IS going to backfire.

It’s going to trigger a feeling that I like to call the “Instant Ewww”.

The “Instant Ewww” is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.

Once a woman feels it, YOU’RE DONE.

It’s over.

It’s like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.

Once a woman feels the “Instant Ewww”, she will start behaving differently.

vIn short, she’ll disappear.

So where did I get the concept of the “Instant Ewww”?

I got it from WOMEN.

I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word “Ewww” when describing how they felt about a guy that was confessing his love”… Of course, these were guys that weren’t loved in return.

So, what causes the “Instant Ewww”?

And why would a woman feel it towards a man who was trying to be nice… a guy who was giving her a gift or telling her how he feels?

Because if you think about it from HER perspective, you’ll realize that the moment you do something to “confess”, you have created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.

Up until that point, you were harmless.

I mean, women always know how men feel.

She already knew you wanted her.

She knew it from the beginning.

But now that you’ve started pursuing her and talking about how you feel, you’ve created a NEGATIVE TENSION that is VERY uncomfortable.

You’ve triggered an emotion that is repulsive to women. And it does repel them.

In summary…

You can’t “make a woman like you” or “change how she feels about you” by doing nice things for her…

Doing “nice” things for a woman who isn’t attracted to you HURTS you. It backfires. Worse, it creates the “Instant Ewww” feeling that makes it so she’ll NEVER like you.

Men make this mistake over and over again in life because they’re doing what MAKES SENSE to them. They’re doing it because they don’t have an understanding of ATTRACTION.

I mean, if you have a friend, and you like them, and you want to make them like you more… and you do some nice things for them, they will probably like you more.

On the other hand…

If you have a woman that you “like” in a romantic way and she doesn’t “feel it” for you,and you do something nice for her because you wantHER to like you more, it will BACKFIRE… and she will not only NOT like you more, she will most likely distance herself from you.

Guys think that they need to communicate when they like a woman… as if that’s part of the necessary process of getting a girl.

In their minds, it goes like this:

Like her -> Tell her you like her -> She likes you

Well remember… if you follow this pattern yourself with women who aren’t ATTRACTED to you, then it’s going to BACKFIRE.

If she’s not into you, then it goes like THIS:

She thinks of you as a friend -> You tell her you like her -> She gets the “Instant Ewwws” and never wants to be around you again…

THE ANSWER

There are really TWO answers to this problem.

The first answer is what to do if you’re in a situation where you like a particular girl, but you don’t know if she likes you back.

DON’T GET HEAVY WITH HER.

Don’t buy her a big gift and write a love letter…

Don’t send her ten dozen roses to her work with a note that says, “From your secret admirer”.

Don’t call her three times a day.

And DON’T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for her.

If you want to know how she feels about you, KISS HER (and use “The Kiss Test” that you learned on my website and in my book).

As a rule of thumb, don’t get heavier than HER. Use SIGNALS from her to find out how she feels… and if you don’t know how to read and create those signals, then LEARN.

Asking a woman if she’s interested in you in a romantic way or if you are “her type”, will actually DESTROY the chances that she’ll like you.

Really.

The SECOND answer is: Don’t get into this particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it entirely.

And how does one do that?

One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the beginning.

One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why women have the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION triggered.

One does that by knowing what you’re doing FROM THE BEGINNING.

And what’s the best way to learn THAT skill?

I thought you’d never ask…

If you’d like an introduction to my basic concepts, you should go and download a copy of my online eBook “Double Your Dating”. You can download it right now and be reading it within a few minutes. It’s here:

http://www.DoubleYourDates.com/eBook



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About Bobby Rio

I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. You'll know more about me on . I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences.  For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.

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4 Comments

  1. PickupFreak

    March 4, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    There is an ounce of bullshit in this letter. It seems to suggest that you should never be honest about how you feel and what you want. The real take-away message is that you should never do anything to “try” to make her like you more. Being honest with the intent of trying to get her to like you more would be going about it the wrong way — I agree with that. However, it does not suggest the better method, which is to be honest while being unattached to the outcome. It’s what makes the difference between relating and controlling. Tell her you like her — or whatever it is you really feel, perhaps you like her and you’re also worried that telling her will make her lose attraction for you — you can say it just like that, and then let it go. Give her room to respond however she wants to respond. Then whatever the response is, be honest about how you feel about that again, without trying to create any particular outcome. Honesty without attachment is one of the biggest aphrodisiacs there is.

    Recent Words from PickupFreak..Get up to speed with Ross Jeffries

  2. Pua Lingo

    March 5, 2009 at 5:38 am

    I read this one a while ago, but still a very good insight. The only proper way to gauge a woman’s attraction, IMO, is through kino escalation. If she complies with a series of escalating kino (holding hands, gentle caressing, kiss, sex), you know she’s in to you, end of story. Confessing your love for someone before you’ve even slept with them is almost never a good idea.

    Recent Words from Pua Lingo..Made For Each Other (MFEO)

  3. Karl

    July 16, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    There is ALOT of bullcrap in this. Yes it is wrong to go confessing all kinds of things before you are intimate but my gosh, what if you just want to tell some one you like them? This guy has messed up my mind so bad over the years that I have trouble now telling women that I like them. Is that really so bad? I dont think so. Guys have been doing that for years. Yeah you dont want to be overbearing but this guy is way way off…..

  4. Just A Lowly Student of the Game

    November 12, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    I’m not sure I understand where all the comments are coming from. From my understanding, actions speak louder than words, if you act like you like her from the beginning and create some attraction, what’s wrong with that?

    I agree with Bobby, if spark enough attraction so she will want to say yes when you give her the option, it gets what you want. The number one reason why guys get rejected is cause they haven’t sparked enough attraction. There’s no dishonesty in that, it’s just the way you play the game.

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