My Suggestions For Facebook

My Suggestions For Facebook’s New Terms of Service

A few weeks ago, the Great and Powerful Facebook got the ‘Neterazzi’s panties and/or boxers into a huge bundle after updating its Terms of Service, which essentially became one long litigious statement telling its users that the company owned everything that’s ever been put on the network. This meant any photos, any notes, any … well, any anything that’s on your or your friend’s profile. As you’d imagine, a lot of users did not enjoy this and rightly revolted by, well, complaining to their friends I guess. In any case, Facebook wisely chose to cancel these Terms of Service and take user input as to what the next TOS will include. Since they’re asking, I thought I might as well help out:

Suggestions

No one over the age of 55 is allowed on Facebook.

Alright older generation, we get it. You’re hip. You’re with it. You can hang. Thing is, you’re ruining Facebook. By now having to consider how parents will judge their profile, the youngsters have to censor themselves. No longer can they write horribly offensive jokes on each other’s walls. Gone are the days of commenting on a friend’s photo, letting them know that you "wouldn’t mind getting tagged by that.” So long, membership in the "Fans of DV/DA” group. This new influx of senior citizens has already affected me as well: I’ve been forced to change my status from "is masturbating” to "is not masturbating”. Where will the madness end?

No more stupid applications.

Not only will this keep Facebook from being overly cluttered – which was the main reason we all left MySpace in the first place, remember – but it will also force people to stop wasting their time and actually, I don’t know, start working! More than any stimulus package President Obama can give us, what will finally get us out of this recession is removing the pointless applications.

Add a new "I Want To Have Sex With You Poke” application.

Something like this, obviously, is not pointless. It keeps the dignity of the "Poke” application intact while removing the vagueness.

More fat high school acquaintances.

This isn’t an actual suggestion as much as an observation: There’s really no better moment in the Facebook Universe than being added by an old friend or acquaintance from high school or college, accepting their invitation, viewing their current photos and seeing how incredibly fat they’ve gotten. And if that’s the best part, shouldn’t there be more of it? I have no idea how that’s possible, but if we can make this, we can accomplish anything.

What do you think Facebook should add, folks?