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A few years back when I started to actively go out and learn how to attract more women into my life I had an un-wavering belief that I had to be “different” then all the guys in the bar that I was competing against.
I even remember at one point I used to have the words “be original” written on an index card that I kept in my wallet.
I mean doesn’t it make sense that if you’re trying to separate yourself from the hundreds of other guys hitting on the same girls that you would want to use unique and clever lines?
Doesn’t it seem like “be original” has been drilled into our minds by just about every authority figure that has attempted to help us improve our lives?
Maybe that should have been the first sign the advice should be avoided.
As I began to pay more and more attention to the guys that were really successful with women I came to notice that VERY FEW of them were actually “original.”
In fact, most of my more successful friends never seemed to have the most creative jokes. If anything, they would simply rehash jokes from movies or TV shows..
And when they began a conversation with a woman they NEVER attempted to be “clever” or unique. Often they would simply be direct and slightly more aggressive than the other guys.
In fact, sometimes I would get déjà vu listening to them talk to girls… I could almost swear that I heard the EXACT conversation coming from their mouths a few days earlier with a different girl (I probably had).
But the lesson I was observing just kept going right over my head…
In fact, I became EVEN more convinced that I had to “be original.” I remember thinking “if these unoriginal idiots can get laid… I am going to be KING OF THE WORLD.”
Yet, the more original I tried to be, the more I was met by complete and utter indifference by women.
It was like they were already “sick of me” before they even had a chance to get to know me.
My entire attitude with women became “how can I show them that I’m different?”
So every time I met a girl I would try to observe her unique and peculiar traits and be the “first” guy to notice them.
“This will show her I’m different…” I thought.
Yet, my “astute” observations were still met with a YAWN.
Then, one day I was actually sitting by myself sipping on a cup of coffee in Starbucks when a group of punk rock kids walked in.
They were being loud and immediately drew attention to themselves.
They all had the spiky hair. The nose rings. The eye brow rings. They all had their “anti-authority” t-shirts on, their big black boots… and their dog collar necklaces.
And I thought…
“What idiots…”
They are all trying so hard to be original…. and they’re all so EXACTLY the SAME.
And it HIT ME like a ton of bricks.
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I don’t think we should be “original” or “un-original” at all. I think we should take some advice I heard Bruce Lee said to people, “Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless – like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
DorienG, that water quote is the best thing I’ve read in a while.
ja! great article bobby. Def, need more articles like this!
Wow. great article bobby.
i had just started noticing this exact thing this semester. I used to always try and do the opposite of what every other frat guy was doing with girls in classes. Every day i’d hear “hi im ____. where you from? whats your major? how many hours you taking?” And i used to think it was so lame and obvious. But now i realize its not the things hes saying that makes him original,its the fact he has the balls to say something that sounds so common and just roll with it.
This is fantastic advice. I love the movie analogy. It’s perfect.
Very interesting. Doesn’t this go against the idea of “being yourself”? That’s the most common advice I get when it comes to interacting with women and people in general, but it always seems to me that only specific personalities are attractive to people. “Be yourself” implies that you should simply express yourself in your own, original way, without trying too hard, correct? But this article discourages originality. So if you don’t have the right personality, you just can’t “be yourself”, you actually DO have to make efforts to become someone else.
But in the end, I suppose it makes sense…our personalities are indeed constructs of our previous experiences with our environments. Most of us grow up with very similar experiences in childhood – we all go to school, we’re socialized by the mass media, our parents teach most of us the same things. Therefore, we are inclined to be similar in many ways – so to “be yourself” would actually mean to be not so different from your peers. Of course, each of us have individual experiences that separate us from one another, but in the big picture, most people are very much alike. Those who are different and “original”, as this article touches on, will only be shunned.
I think this is why the term “social skills” exists. Social skills is observing norms, conventions, and rules for social interaction, designed to make everyone comfortable. Familiarity of these norms and conventions is necessary for good social interaction – a person who is well-liked can explore his individuality, but only to a point – he knows the limits, he knows what he has to do, and is careful to observe those rules, but he can also express his individuality in ways that do not break the rules. I think most people, however, can express their full individuality without fear of repercussions. On the other hand, a “different” person who is not familiar with social rules will either risk expressing the inappropriate parts of his individuality that is uncomfortable/weird to most people, or he may constrain his individuality so much that he comes off as shy, quiet, boring, etc, because he fears breaking the rules and does not know where to stop.
My theory is, most people really don’t have to worry about this. As I have noted earlier, most people are very similar and can easily relate to each other. “Social skills” can seem like an innate concept to them, as they can fully express their individuality and create emotions/vibes that have been based on very similar experiences.
Those who are truly “different” or “original” at heart, however, have to be very careful about observing these rules, or they will not be appreciated by many people – just like the different movie that only few people can appreciate. They may even have to fake a few things about them if they are very different. I think you can get away with a few quirks, but you have to generally stay within a certain realm or you will not be successful with people.
I still have so much to say on this…I could write an entire book on this subject. But I’m going to stop here. I think I’ve written enough…
the fact is the only girls youll be attracting by acting “original” are the indy, weird types. most women in society are sucked into the “game” and dont need originality. just communication thats applicable to the “game.” I bet over 80 percent of women in our country abide by this game. moreover, a lot of desirable women are just not turned on by those unique, sweet, passive types. You gotta play that slick rick role
Really nice article, Bobby on stating the elusive obvious! The kinda thing that’s right in front of our face but never gets talked about as well as this.
Here’s how I think of it: other people have to be able to categorize you in order for them to like you. People have boxes and you have to be able to fit into one of the boxes or otherwise, people will think you’re just weird. You can be yourself and be an individual and still fit into one of the boxes.
If you read a little about personality psychology, you’ll find that there aren’t that many categories. As Dave says, people really aren’t that different.
[...] Why Being “Original” Doesn’t Get You Girls [TSB Magazine] [...]
What’s that expression, ‘There’s a lid to every pot’?? Different strokes for different folks. I don’t believe anyone can make themselves into an ‘original’ specimen. You want a girl to like you for who you are. Confidence and humor are the two most important attributes in my opinion.
On a side note… Those ‘pick-up’ lines you state your friends use are LAME! I don’t know what kind of girls are attracted to that sort of thing- you referenced the ’something on your shirt’ scenario. That type of stuff would not fly with most of the girls I know. Maybe they had beer goggles.