About the Author
Sup seniors! Oh, I’m sorry, let me rephrase that: “Holler!” That’s what you crazy kids are saying these days, right? Right. Okay, so welcome to summer orientation! I’ll bet you guys are PSYCHED to be in the REAL WORLD!!! WOOOOO!!! REAL WORLD!!! Okay, so my name’s Bobby and I’ll be going into my sophomore year here in the real world. Well, actually, I’m a few credits behind after I got put on probation. Oh, no, it wasn’t academic probation. No, no, it was real judge mandated probation. Yeah, I mean, I don’t really want to get into it but let’s just say her MySpace profile said she was 19.
Alright, anyway, the first thing you gotta know about the real world is the difference between what’s “appropriate” and “inappropriate”, or, as my boss likes to say, “being professional.” Apparently, it’s “unprofessional” to broadcast the highlights of your weekend around the office.
I know, I know, in college people LOVE hearing your tales of sexual conquest or the patchy details of a night of drunken disaster. Unfortunately, in the real world, that violates “proper office conduct” and borders on “sexual harassment” (words in quotes are my dickhead boss’s terms; not mine).
Well, I sure found this out the hard way when, after a sweet three-day bender, I came stumbling back into work hung over on a Tuesday, proclaiming to everyone “Guess who got laid!?!?!?” My boss, enraged, abruptly pulled me into his office where he sat me down and threw a hissy diva fit, where he reminded me I was in an “office environment” with a tone of voice I formally associated with the sassiest of gay men.
Man, my boss is in serious need of some tender manlove…
Moving on, another thing to watch out for is your relationship with co-workers. Now, take for example the story I just told you. Right before I got chewed out by the boss-man, I was relaying my weekend to Tom from Sales. I thought it’d be cool to start adding superlative z’s to emphasize the key words in my story, so, as I’m telling Tom about how I “gotz driz-unk” and then I “gotz liz-aid”, he told me about his weekend, which consisted of babysitting his brother’s kids and cleaning out his gutters. When I told Tom that’s “giz-ay” he said maybe it’d be better if we strictly kept a “working relationship.” Pst, whatevazzz Tom…
On second thought, don’t even bother trying to make friends with your co-workers; most of them are probably old geezers anyway, and won’t understand half the shit you’re talking about. For example, apparently Chuck Norris references are not well received in the real world! It’s like people don’t even know who he is! I found this out the other day when I told someone (that wasn’t Tom from Sales) I was wearing female legs around my waist like Chuck Norris wears karate black belts, and get this…they asked me who Chuck Norris was! (Someone needs to wake up and smell the roundhouse kicks!)
Oh man, I know you’ve probably already heard enough, but I want to leave you with one last point before I let you guys move onto the workshop for “Reasons Why Wearing a Gray T-shirt That Says ‘REAL WORLD’ Isn’t Cool Like Wearing the Gray T-shirt That Says ‘COLLEGE’ But Wait, That One Isn’t Really Cool Either…”. Now, I know in college you guys had Spring Break…well, in the real world, you’ll get COFFEE BREAKS! I know a lot of you are like “I’ll shove a Folgers up your butt for using that kind of capitalized sarcasm.” But I’m serious, coffee breaks can be awesome if you add a little panache to 10a.m. – 10:15a.m. Think of this way: Here’s your chance to bust out the beer bong and start daring people to funnel 3 cups of coffee! I’ve found people LOVE IT if you kick in the break room door screaming, “COFFEE BREAK 2006!!!! WHO REMEMBERS?!?! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Well, I gotz to go change Tom from Sales desktop wallpaper to some gay porn, so I’ll peep you guys latazzzz.