Rather than begin this article quoting some arbitrary statistic like “10 percent of men get with 80 percent of women,” I want you to generate your own statistic. Ask yourself this: how many guys are you acquainted with? By acquainted, I mean how many guys would you say you know well enough to determine how good or bad they are at attracting women?
Got that number? For me, I’d say it’s somewhere between 250 to 300 guys. (Keep in mind that I’m pooling guys I’ve met in high school, college, work, and my social circle.)
Now, how many of those guys would you say are good with women? And let’s say the barometer for being good with women is this scenario: If you had a date with your dream girl, but she insisted on bringing a friend, how many guys do you know that you would feel completely confident could do well enough with her friend to not ruin your date?
So who would you trust? For me, that number is very low—probably somewhere between 15-20 guys.
That means that, for me, the percentage of guys who are good with women is somewhere between 5-8 percent. Probably your percentage is also within that range, meaning most guys have some really bad habits when it comes to meeting and attracting women.
While most dating advice (including my own) advocates teaching “good habits,” a lot of progress can be made by simply identifying bad habits. As such, here and the top 5 reasons most guys suck with women.
So many guys—even guys who enjoy a modicum of success with women—simply don’t understand what meeting and dating women is all about. Too many guys, and especially guys from the pickup community, invert all the normalness and fun of meeting girls, making it an epically weird process that involves pain and humiliation.
To “get” what being good with women is all about, you have to strip away all the nonsense you learned elsewhere. Meeting women isn’t some dick-swinging competition, where the hotness of your girlfriend somehow makes you “cooler” or “more of a man” than the next guy. Moreover, being good with women isn’t some battle of the sexes, where you have fight a woman tooth-and-nail to like you.
The truth is the truth: meeting women is about meeting women. There’s nothing weird, creepy, or awkward about it. You’ll attract some girls, you’ll get rejected by others. Rather than fight reality, accept and enjoy it. And by that simple truth, you’ll improve your success exponentially.
Looks matter. Sorry if that’s offensive to you, but they do. While you don’t necessarily need natural-born, genetic looks, you do need to put some effort into your appearance. Overhauling your appearance takes 3 months, top. And, for most guys, you can see dramatic improvement after an afternoon of shopping for stylish clothes and getting a cool haircut.
Some areas every guy should pay attention to are:
None of the above-grooming tips will make you a “metrosexual”—simply sexual. If you’re neglecting your appearance, while it may sound cool or empowering, it’s severely holding you back from meeting quality women. Have respect for yourself and put some pride into your appearance.
Instead of considering how women think, most guys treat women as if they were smaller, prettier guys (with the obvious anatomical differences). Most guys don’t acknowledge that men and women think fundamentally different. While this is hardly the forum to extrapolate on the female psyche, understand that women think emotionally.
While it’s gratifying for men to write elaborate pseudo-scientific theories on attraction, most do not take into account a woman’s feelings and mindsets. It’s an ironic rule of dating advice that if guys obsess over the advice, then it’s probably ineffective. That’s because most theories and tips appeal to the brew-ha of the male psyche, but doesn’t connect you emotionally with a woman.
Most guys, whether they study dating advice or not, simply don’t consider, “If I were a woman, how would this make me feel?” Instead, they think, “Does this make sense to ME? If so, then I’m going to do it.” Such male-centric thinking not only results in failure, but also hilarious failure as guys do and say things that are absolutely ridiculous in the context of attraction (but made perfect sense at the time).
Wow, if there is one elusive truth I wish students of mine could see, it’s this. Any guy who is good at cold approaching women (i.e., any guy who is good with women who isn’t famous) simply cannot take himself too seriously. If you can’t laugh at yourself, your bloopers, and your rejections then you will simply never be good with women, ever.
I’m not advocating being “ego-less” but I am advocating not living your life according to other people’s standards. Most people make the fatal mistake of believing that if they avoid rejection or failure then they’re somehow “higher value” than their peers. In actuality, to not do something you want to do because you’re afraid of being judged is the lowest value thing imaginable—you’re a silent coward who’s hiding behind your “serious” image of yourself in a pathetic attempt to maintain the fabled dignity you think you possess.
Let go of this mythical “high value” image you’ve created for yourself and cut loose. Stop forfeiting the privilege of living your life to maintain the ridiculous image you think people have of you. Life is not to be lived by committee; it’s to be lived by your own standards and with a sense of humor. So learn to laugh at yourself if you want to learn to be attractive to women.
Ah yes, more of the elusive obvious. Whenever guys bitch about their failures with women, my first question is always the same: how many new women did you approach today? All too often, the refrain is, “Well, none.” Sorry brosef, but to get good with women, the easy way is the hard way: you actually have to try. As I already said, there’s only two ways to break into “Rob’s 5-8 percent of guys good with women,” which are: 1.) become famous and let the girls come to you, 2.) go out and approach women.
There it is: the cold slap of reality. Unless you become famous, you will never become good with women by not trying. You can lift all the weights you want, wear fashionable clothes, and read all the books on dating, but if you’re not trying, you’re going to suck. No exceptions.
In identifying these 5 habits, I don’t mean to come off condescending because, as I always point out, I only understand this stuff because I lived through each. Much of my advice comes from the stupid things I did or awful habits I had that prevented me from dating the girls I liked and kept me spinning my wheels for years. Luckily I quickly learned not to take myself too seriously and to keep trying, which allowed me see women as women, motivated me to work on my appearance, and helped me to finally “get it.” If this article got under your skin, good; I hope it helps reorient your habits, too.