» Shocking! 5-Hour Energy Drink Actually Has Caffeine

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Rick has never written a serious thing in his life, some of which can be found at ESPN the Magazine, McSweeney's, Radar Magazine, Deadspin, Flak Magazine and The Morning News. The rest can be found here. He lives in Los Angeles, is a White Sox fan, and maintains a personal blog.

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Dude on caffeine

Dude on caffeine

Well, color us not really shocked at all. You mean to tell us, scientific reports, that 5-hour energy drinks — which advertise as some kind of “natural” alternative to the normal ways to consume caffeine out there, usually through the use of awfully smug commercial spokesman — actually have (gasp!) caffeine in them. A whole lot, as a matter of fact.

As Men’s Health helpfully points out, a 2-ounce shot of 5-hour energy has 207 milligrams of caffeine. Where does that fall on the scale of other caffeinated beverages?

–Lipton Brisk Lemon Iced Tea (12 oz.) = 6.5 mg caffeine
–Nestea Cool Lemon Iced Tea (12 oz.) = 11 mg
–Starbucks Decaf Coffee (16 oz.) = 13 mg
–Diet Pepsi (12 oz.) = 27.4 mg
–Coca-Cola Classic (12 oz.) = 29.5 mg
–Vanilla Coke (12 oz.) = 29.5 mg
–Pepsi (12 oz.) = 31.7 mg
–Diet Dr. Pepper (12 oz.) = 33.8 mg
–Dr. Pepper (12 oz.) = 36 mg
–Diet Coke (12 oz.) = 38.2 mg
–Diet Coke with Lime (12 oz.) = 39.6 mg
–Espresso (1 oz.) = 40 mg
–Green Tea (8 oz.) = 45 mg
–Mountain Dew (12 oz.) = 45.4 mg
–Black Tea (8 oz.) = 47 mg
–Starbucks Frappuccino Vanilla (9.5 oz.) = 63.8 mg
–Red Bull Sugarfree (8.3 oz.) = 64.7 mg
–Red Bull (8.3 oz) = 66.7 mg
–Starbucks Frappuccino Mocha (9.5 oz.) = 71.8 mg
–Instant Coffee (8 oz.) = 93 mg
–Starbucks DoubleShot (6.5 oz.) = 105.7 mg
–Dunkin’ Donuts Regular Coffee (16 oz.) = 143 mg
–Amp (16 oz.) = 144 mg
–Full Throttle (16 oz.) = 144 mg
–Stacker 2 6-Hour Power Shot = 156 mg
–Monster (16 oz.) = 160 mg
–Rockstar (16 oz.) = 160 mg

Uh. Above them all, apparently?

So, there ya go. Hey, if it’s working go ahead and continue using them. Just don’t be tricked into thinking that it’s some kind of “healthy” alternative to caffeine. It’s the same goddamn thing.

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