» Getting Over Your Biggest Crush

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Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.

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The Treatment for “One-itis”

One of my most triumphal moments in my quest to succeed with women came when I realized I no longer wanted a woman. It came on a night I thought was sparkling with opportunity. I was seeing my “one-itis” for the first time after having studied “game” for several years. I was finally starting to see consistent success with random women and felt competent enough that I could laser-point that same success on this one woman.

As I waited to meet her, the moments crept by with cool confidence. I envisioned her as desirable as I remembered. Her “desirability” was why I’d spent all of my teenage and college years pining over this one, elusive girl. To understand how I felt about this girl is to understand how horrific my “dating skills” were back then. She was an obsession to me—the girl whose love I thought could’ve solved my every problem.

Don't be like Dawson

Don't be like Dawson

Her Facebook page was the first thing I checked in the morning, and last thing I checked before going to bed at night. I overreacted over trivial comments—any mention of a male name sent me into a depressive tailspin. I’d try to monopolize her time, calling her every chance I could. I chased her with tenacious desperation. She was my “one-itis”—the one girl I couldn’t get over.

Even on that night, after having dated dozens of new women, I still felt those old, familiar longings. All those years of chasing her had idealized her in my head—her beauty, her elegance, her perfection. I imagined the night of our rendezvous to be the “ultimate showdown.” This was it. Everything I’d worked for—everything I’d gamed for. I imagined that if I could attract her—my oneitis—then I’d made it. I’d accomplished what I set out to do.

And when she finally showed up, it was the anticlimax of anticlimaxes. I realized the moment I saw her that she wasn’t the girl I wanted. She wasn’t the angelic being enshrined in my glorified memory. She was just a girl—like every other girl. I almost felt disappointed—let down by my own heart. I wanted to feel more excitement around her—but it was just a blah night.

The Cure For One-Itis

Ultimately, however, that’s the cure for one-itis. I believe most guys who study dating advice have been infected with one-itis at some point. Most guys can appreciate the illogical and wild thoughts that come with that illness. Although, unless you’re a guy who’s cured your one-itis, you don’t understand how little you need your one-itis’ affection.

An excellent side-effect of studying dating advice—beyond the knowledge and competence—is the options. If you’re out constantly meeting new women, you’re going to have options—no way around it. You’ll have phone numbers to call, dates to go on, and casual partners to cuddle with in bed. For the guys who don’t have these options yet—be patient. They’ll come. They always come.

Once those options flood your “dance card,” that’s when I challenge you to meet up with your one-itis. No matter how great or hot you once thought she was, when you have other women she won’t shine as bright. She won’t have the “gravity” she once did. You’ll see she’s just another girl in your rolodex.

Unfortunately, most guys can’t see that far. Most guys think of their one-itis as a girlfriend without the relationship. Most guys regard their one-itis as if she holds some exalted position in their life, while she doesn’t feel the same way. To her, he’s just another friend. Or worse, another pathetic friend.

Still though, so many guys hold tightly to the idea of their girl. Doing so will never allow them to enjoy the options they already have. Doing only allows them to wallow in their own pity and laziness and they convince themselves, “no girl is like my one-itis,” why even bother? As a guy who once had that exact thought, I can confidently tell you there are girls who are just like your one-itis—and ones who are even better.

In closing, I hope it’s clear that I’m not implying “one-itis” is merely a girl you have feelings for. The name of the dating game is to find a girl you have feelings for—it’s called a girlfriend. Instead, one-itis is a girl you have unrequited feelings for. If you’re lamenting over her and she doesn’t feel the same way, you have a case of one-itis. Rather than be a lazy sentimental wimp, get off your ass and start meeting new women.

If you can do that for a year or two, you won’t develop the skills to “get your one-itis;” instead, you’ll develop the backbone to realize you don’t even want your one-itis. Take it from me: that’s the best cure for this malady of the heart.

>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.

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2 Responses to Getting Over Your Biggest Crush

  • Bobby Rio says:

    I call it the sickness… and had it bad:

    I agree though with Rob,

    You’re holding onto what you wanted it to be with her… and how you felt. But not her.

    I’ve had several chances to go back with a couple of the girls i’ve had the sickness over… and its never nearly as good as the idealized version in my head

  • Marlowe says:

    Oneitis is nasty. I’ve know guys who fall in love with new chicks they’ve picked up. While this is totally cool, I would caution them to ONLY permit themselves to have feelings IF they have other chicks in the pipeline. Having an abundance of girls is the best bet in the prevention of oneitis.

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