» Why Beautiful Women Are Insecure

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Nick Sparks is a professional social and dating coach located in the New York area. His specialties include building genuine and lasting confidence, removing barriers of fear and self doubt in the face of women and social situations, and helping men gain self acceptance and power through unleashing of their sexuality. He's taught hundreds of clients to become genuinely confident, fearless and charming since 2008, and is known for his direct, highly sexual style of game Check out Sparks of Attraction.

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A common theme that I see from guys I work with – and in our culture at large – is the tendency to look at women, especially the most beautiful ones, as some sort of  foreign species.

Guys are always questioning – what should I talk about? what does she want to talk about? what is she thinking? why are women so crazy? – and in fact many of those exact same guys would be shocked to know that many women, even the most beautiful ones, think the same thing about us. All anyone has to do is flip through the “guy advice” in a Cosmo to see what I’m talking about.

A common thing that I’ve told many guys is that meeting, talking to, and attracting members of the opposite sex is fundamentally simple – and that it is only the barriers that our mind creates that makes it so difficult sometimes. By jumping into the mind of a beautiful woman – to better understand where she’s coming from and what she’s thinking – this is one of the first steps in lowering some of those barriers.

Let me start with an oversimplification: Women are insecure.

Now as a disclaimer, of course this does not apply to all women – only to most – and I don’t mean it as an insult, because hell, in today’s day and age the vast majority of us are insecure.

What I’m talking about is that feeling you sometimes have of nervousness, of worrying that she’s judging you, feeling that you’re not good/funny/handsome/cool enough – I’m saying that she’s most likely feeling it too. In fact, I would say that women on average – believe it or not – are actually more insecure than men.

Think about it. Their entire lives they’ve compared themselves to the airbrushed women in their favorite magazines. They’ve been bombarded with messages that they’re not pretty enough, they’re not thin enough, their face doesn’t look pretty without makeup, their hair isn’t shiny or blonde or whatever enough.

And why do magazines present these airbrushed, almost unattainable images as the standard of beauty? Because insecure people buy more shit they don’t need to feel whole than secure people – but that’s for another article altogether. And I know what you’re saying: “OK Nick, I follow, most girls feel insecure – but those aren’t the most beautiful ones. Those are the ones who are maybe only ‘6-8’s’. The truly beautiful women, the ones who do live up to the barely attainable standards of beauty in magazines – they’re not insecure.”

I can see why this idea would be attractive. On the surface, it certainly seems to make sense.

There’s even a popular myth going around that incredibly beautiful women at the bar – or anywhere else for that matter – feel as though they have the “most value” wherever they are and that for a man to attract them he has to bring her down a couple of pegs or even to try to elevate his own status to even be considered as a potential mate for her.

First of all, the fact that the type of thinking that places beautiful women on the same level as a narcissistic dictator who harshly judges the behavior of her prospective suitors even exists is an excellent example of why there are millions of unhappily single men and women out there. If you find yourself believing this to some degree than what I will say next will come as a shock to you, but often the most beautiful women (by current societal standards) are, on average, the most insecure women of all.

Now I’ll admit that these women are most likely used to being put on a pedestal. So the question stands: how can a human being who is used to being put on a pedestal be, on average, more insecure than everyone else? Pretend for a moment that you’re in a particularly good mood one day and you decide to give a dollar to a man asking for spare change. Almost instantly the man transforms into a powerful sorcerer and says that in return for your kindness, he’d like to do you a favor. He casts a spell and suddenly the world bows at your feet. You have access to anything you want. People are constantly giving you everything for free. Now he also reminds you that you can’t have such a great gift without there being a catch. First of all, no one could have this kind of power forever, so after 10 years it will suddenly be gone.

Secondly, everyone else is fully aware of your power, and they all want a piece of it for their own benefit. You will constantly be hounded by everyone, not because they give two shits about you, but only because they want to use you and take advantage of you in whatever way they can.

At first it’s a lot of fun – so much fun that you can’t resist taking full advantage of it. Hell, no one could. But after you’ve seen everything and done everything it gets a bit boring. Furthermore as the years roll on you all of a sudden see the end in sight. The window is closing ever so slowly and you begin to grow more and more anxious at the thought of losing your source of power. You’ve gotten so used to relying on it – what the hell will you do when it fades?

In a book titled, “Your Own Worst Enemy,” Kenneth Christian, PHD, discusses how ‘gifted’ children have a tendency to underachieve later in life. I hope he excuses my simplification, but Dr. Christian argues that when adults start referring to a child as ‘gifted’ or one of the brightest in a class, that child tends to get exceptions on things that other students don’t – he receives praise because he is ‘special’ instead of for specific accomplishments he achieves.

Because he values the title of ‘gifted’ for the benefits he receives from it, he becomes fearful of taking risks that lead to failure that could jeopardize this title – and thus underachievement ensues. Just like our story about the sorcerer’s gift, “you’ve gotten so used to relying on it, what the hell will you do when it fades?”

Beautiful women – and hell, most people with a vagina can very much relate to the feeling of receiving praise and special treatment; not for an accomplishment they achieve but for something they didn’t do anything to ‘deserve’. How the hell do you build real confidence in yourself in these circumstances? They are also used to most people trying to use them and take advantage of them for their own benefit without giving two shits about them. How the hell can you build confidence in others when this is the reality you know?

And what a beautiful woman knows far better than anyone else is that it is only a matter of time before their ‘golden ticket’ runs out. Time flies, and youth and beauty are gone before you know it. If a woman has gotten so used to relying on them that they’ve been afraid to take risks and build other parts of herself, then what the hell does she do when it fades? Even the women who grew up in the healthiest, most loving, and supportive homes have to face this many times in their lives, and thus it is often the case that the most beautiful women are also the most insecure.

The question then stands: in light of this information, how should you interact with all individuals, and more specifically the most beautiful of women?  (READ MORE)

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10 Responses to Why Beautiful Women Are Insecure

  • Rham says:

    Nick,

    I do not agree. I have met plenty of hot women that seemed more full of narcissism than being insecure.

    Infact I would say that most women are pretty secure about themselves. They have it all today. They have men at their whim, they have tons of job offers, the government protects them in anything from job situations to custody fights. People treat them better, open up doors. They pretty much have it all so why would they be insecure. What do they have to be insecure about.

    Lets say you are out and about and you meet a hot woman. She could be yes or not to your advances. It does not matter to her, for she knows she has the power. Its not that you let her have the power, she has it. Why would she settle for less if she can have more? You PUA’s are always preaching about evolution so it fits in with evolutionary thinking.

    No I do not agree with this at all. I am sure there are exceptions but overall hot women have it very good in life. Very good.

    Nick what are your thoughts?

  • toni says:

    Here are my thoughts…

    First of all…..

    “…women on average – believe it or not – are actually more insecure than men.”

    “..Believe it or not?”

    Men are not supposed to be insecure. The fundamental difference is that all a man could lose (in the grand scheme) is his life. A woman has something like 12,000 lives to lose (those eggs, of which she loses MANY every month. She looks for safety of these eggs. A man has to DROP this insecurity. Insecurity is FEMININE. It is a weakness, and a FEMININE weakness.

    The description of women’s insecurity is pretty good. It’s mostly a description and theory, though, not based on anything empirical. Fortunately in this kind of pop psychology it doesn’t really matter what you use to prove something that’s true. I agree. Women are insecure, and the more beautiful they are, usually the more insecure they are about their beauty. (Insecurity is mixed with the desire to be liked – which we all have. The more universally someone’s desire to be liked goes, the more their risk of vanity, superficiality and/or insecurity. The less beautiful they are, the less their expectation and NEED to be considered attractive.)

    xoToni

  • toni says:

    And as far as the part about “knocking her off of her pedestal”…you don’t need to do that! You just want to let her know that YOU weren’t the one that put her on the pedestal in the first place. Just PLAY IT COOLl. Not tricks or tactics :)

  • Nick says:

    Hey Rahm,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    Let’s start with the narcissistic people. It may look like confidence sometimes, but at the root of narcissism is usually a lot of insecurity. The overconfident actions are a defense mechanism, overcompensating for a perceived lacking.

    As far as why beautiful women are insecure despite having life handed to them on a silver platter – that’s what the article’s about, so if you’re not convinced after reading it there’s nothing I could say here to do so.

    And I never claimed to be a PUA. I think evolution is in favor of whoever is more valuable – and that person can be a man or a woman. I’m not thinking about who has the power as much as I’m wondering if we’ll get along – because there’s hundreds of millions of beautiful women and probably less awesome guys – so I know I’m just as valuable as she is.

    With all due respect, it sounds like you should be taking beautiful women off of their pedestal a bit more.

  • Rham says:

    Sorry Toni and Nick.

    You are both way off I am afraid.

    I have worked within the advertising industry around a number of beautiful women, been out to some of the best clubs in NYC, Miami, LA, London and was once married to a beautiful woman. So I have been exposed to them. Yes there is an insecure woman here and there but most are condident beings with most leaning to pure entitlement and narcissism. Go into any club or bar with hot women and see guys hitting on them or orbiting around them. These chicks are getting free drinks, free entry into the place – do you see them crying in a corner saying how bad their life is? No…Do you see a woman knowing she go a job based on her looks going back to her boss and telling him she felt guilty about it…I never have…so I have no idea where you are getting your info from. No idea. Please share.

    I do not put them on a pedestal at all. I am only calling it as I see it. Most hot women today are so narcissist and full of entitlement that they think they can get whatever they want whenever. So they had it given to them thru life? Great – they want it to continue and continue.

    I am sorry but you both are way off base. They are in love with themselves. So the question is how does guy date a woman like this and get around the entitlement if he is not the conventional tall, dark and handsome?

    I think you both miss the point by light years…..

    Thanks for reading

  • toni says:

    Hey Rham-

    Liar liar pants on fire.

    It’s funny how the cities you’ve listed: Miami, NYC, LA all also have the highest concentrations of women who get plastic surgery. Lets look at Heidi Montag for example. She was a gorgeous girl to begin with. But insecurity led her to how many plastic surgeries? 12?

    I deal with many beautiful women that constantly compare themselves to other women or who are at a healthy weight and STILL think they’re fat. And for the women that do think they’re hot shit….ask them when the last time they had sex was. I bet you’ll be surprised when they tell you it was months ago. That’s entitlement???! Women who are truly confident are simply internally validated. If they happen to be good looking as well, so be it. A woman’s confidence is not derived from external validation (e.g. guys hitting on them, buying them drinks and giving them free entry). It is derived from INTERNAL validation (having values, morals and a solid foundation). So I don’t know where you’re getting your info from. Please share.

    And stop lying to yourself.

  • Rham says:

    Toni,

    You are spinning in circles here. The point here is that attractive women are not insecure like Nick is telling us. I know this from my experiences. Most of them are so full of them narcissism and entitlement.

    Your post here goes off on tangents. I doubt it with the sex months ago thing as well. These women have guys at their beck and call at all times. Sex is no big deal to these women. They can get it any time they want. What is a big deal is power and status – “bell of the ball stuff.”

    Their egos are so inflated. Come on? They get everything they want in life. Its handed to them. Yes for normal people confidence or whatever you call it comes from internal validation but most attractive women only have values if they are with a guy that is good looking, rich or status. Totally.

    I am afraid its you who have no idea what you are taking about.

    Your unbelievably naive.

  • Tomas says:

    I read this post too. I was hoping for some good insights but just nothing of gravity here.

    I think that there are some really untrue assumptions and observations here by Nick. Sure there are things we are all insecure about in various different degrees but on the whole, beautiful women are pretty secure creatures. They are pandered too, they are given much in life and dating is never really much a problem. Are you really going to tell me that a beautiful woman is insecure because she has had it easy? You have to be kidding me. So I really question Nick’s even writing this.

    I give this a C- at best.

  • Alex says:

    I think girls decide in the first 3 seconds if they’re sleeping with a guy. Hotter ones take about 7 lol.

    Based on where you stand, you will instantly have to climb uphill with the interaction if they are not initially attracted. If they are, the interaction will unfold favorably pretty quickly as long as you keep a solid vibe.

    Many of these ‘plastic’ girls you see out at the clubs will not even give you a chance unless you look like a great package, or do something quite bold. They truly do believe that they have higher status than most around them, even though they sometimes let their true insecurities show.

    Every woman is different. Just go and meet them and they will show their true colors within the first 5 minutes of the interaction.

  • Lilly says:

    One of the biggest reasons why beautiful women are insecure is because people are constantly playing ego games with them. Many women AND men get defensive around beautiful women. Many people go out of their way to ignore beautiful women, and instead try to catch glimpses of them– god forbid the woman catches them, then their defenses really go up. There are people on the other hand who praise them for being beautiful and go out of their way for them, but you’d be surprised how many people react to them like they’re evil bitches who deserve to get knocked down a peg.

    For instance today when I asked a grocery employee to unlock the case where they keep moisturizers, he almost knocked down the Easter display and I had to help him catch it and then asked me where I was from. Right after that I went to a pet store and while I was looking at a bird, I felt eyes on me and looked up to see this random man staring at me like he HATED my very guts. Then I left and a man darting glances at me almost missed his step getting onto the sidewalk.

    At some point a beautiful woman has to realize that other people’s disproportionate reactions are not a reflection of a personal fault. Many beautiful women will wonder, why is that guy being such a jerk to me, but nice to everyone else? Why is that woman giving me dirty looks? Why are people going out of their way to ignore me? What’s wrong with me? What did I do to them? It’s only until the beautiful woman realizes that people have complex psychologies and motivations that she stops predicating her sense of self esteem on other people.

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