» Sometimes You Just Need A Time Out

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Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.

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You like her. You like a bit too much. You had your chance with her, but somehow, things didn’t go as planned. You fumbled the ball, and now you’re sitting on the sidelines, trying to figure out how to “make things right.”

You desperately search for answers. You ask your friends. You ask the internet. You want the magical combination of words and actions that will undo the damage you’ve done.

Yet what you need most is what you want to accept least: you need silence.

Back Off

Calm down, guys

I see guys make the mistake of “over-gaming” all the time. The idea that you’re doing too much to attract or seduce a woman is a theme in much of writing and advice. And, it rings even more true in a situation where you’re already coming from behind.

The kneejerk reaction of most guys when they “mess up” with a girl is usually to do more. They want to right thing to say or do to get back in a girl’s good graces. It’s like a kid with a scab on his arm that can’t stop picking at it. Even though he knows he shouldn’t, somehow he finds himself picking at the scab again and again, which just makes it worse.

Likewise, most guys “know” they should just chill out and cool off from the situation. Yet they’re desperation, insecurity, and pride in always being “right” prevails in forcing guys to over-game a girl.

Step one in any situation where you’re trying to win a girl back over is this: BACK OFF.

Let Go

The reason the “silent treatment” is so difficult for most guys is because we’re all somewhat narcissistic. In other words, we believe that we’re the center of the universe and so we always need to be “in control.”

And don’t think this sort of “narcissism” is limited to arrogant guys only. It’s also symptomatic of insecure guys, as well. Only a man who’s insecure would feel that he must control every reaction and every situation. The idea of always needing to “game” women is a huge red flag that you’re a narcissist (and it’s hurting your chances with women).

Much of “traditional” pickup theory espouses this “always be in control” mentality … and it sucks. Recently, the “new school” of thought has emphasized the idea of taking action without always trying to micromanage every detail.

In other words, to alleviate yourself of the fatal flaw of “over-gaming,” you must learn to let go. By let go, I mean you need to remove yourself from wanting to control the outcome, wanting to control the situation, wanting to control anything. You need to adopt this personal mantra:

If I make the right moves, I trust that the chips will fall as they may.

With women (and with life) that’s really all you can hope for: a fair shot. If you make the right moves, you can’t expect always to win. You can only expect to get a fair shot.

Hit Reset

Once you pull yourself “out of the game” for a breather, you hopefully will gain some attitude. You’ll see things from a higher, more detached vantage point. Hopefully you’ll pinpoint exactly what you did wrong, and what you could have done right.

As you’re assessing your situation, if you’re remaining “silent” (and not over-gaming), a woman’s emotions are “resetting.” In other words, you’re growing a second chance. You might not get your second-chance in a few hours, or even a few days. But rest assured: if you give her space, her negative emotions will die down, and you’ll get (another) fair shot at her.

But remember: hitting that reset button is all about letting go of trying to control the outcome and backing off. Don’t go out of your way to contact her. Don’t try to mitigate your past failures. And especially don’t try and “game” her. Simply sit back, let some time pass, and allow yourself to get an objective view on things.

Again, this is easier said than done. However, if you truly want another shot at the “girl who got away,” then you’ve got to learn the virtue of silence. You may convince yourself that you’ve “got to do something,” but we both know that’s just your pride (and narcissism) talking.

At the end of the day, people are people and they’re going to make decisions that are completely out of your control. So, in my opinion, the only purpose of “dating advice” is to 1.) motivate you take action initially, and 2.) advise you on a strategy that will give you the greatest probability of success.

NOTICE: I did not promise a 100% success rate. Dating advice simply increases your odds of success. As the mantra goes, If you make the right moves, you trust that the chips will fall as they may. You still may lose, but at least the odds were fair. If you violate dating advice principles, you’re finished before you start because the odds are completely stacked against you. And a perfect example of a scenario where the “odds are completely stacked against you” is when you continue to pursue a girl you’ve screwed up with.

So back off, let go, and let her reset her emotions.

>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.

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