» Post-Date Denial: What Prevents Most Guys from Becoming Good with Girls

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Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.

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I’m a dating writer and I’m going to make a damaging admission: sometimes I go on dates and I suck. It’s not that the girl isn’t attractive enough, or smart enough, or even that there’s no chemistry between us. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of: I show up to a date, and I suck.

Weird, huh? Even weirder that I’m admitting to my suckage on a website where I give dating advice. Yet, there’s a lesson to be learned from my admission. In fact, the simple act of admitting my weakness has been one of my biggest strengths in becoming better with women and dating.

Whenever a date goes poorly for most guys, the first thing they want to do is point fingers. “She wasn’t that hot anyway…” “I just didn’t feel like putting in any effort…” “I just wasn’t feeling it, bro…” Add your favorite excuse to the litany of “I’m-not-blame” cop outs.

Yet it’s precisely this behavior that keeps most guys on the hamster wheel of involuntary celibacy. They keep blaming their failures on everything other than where the blame should be placed: on their actions.

Think back to your last date. How successful was it? Honestly, did it go how you planned? If not, why didn’t things pan out the way you intended? If you’re saying/have said anything other than, “I should’ve done something different” than you’re making excuses. And that’s why your next date will suck, as well.

The reason “the date” is such a solid barometer of self-deception is because one thing is certain on a date: the girl who shows up to a date already has some interest in you. It’s not like an “approach” where some girls just won’t like
you based on something outside of your control (looks, height, etc.).

Moreover, dates pose few logistical hurdles. Unlike an approach where you might have to lock horns with competing dudes, cock-blocking friends, or a loud environment, the date provides you a relaxed atmosphere to put in some solid face-time.

Therefore, if anything goes wrong, there’s not much room for pointing fingers. If you suck on a date, man up and say: “That date sucked because I sucked.”

Once you utter those humbling words, you’ve done yourself (and your dating life) a major service. You can objectively examine what you did on your date, and learn from it. Good or bad, there’s always something you can teach yourself. When you can examine yourself through the lens of objectivity, you’ll soak up all the knowledge that’s waiting for you.

Ever since I was a kid, my dad always said to me, “How do you learn to make good decisions? From making a lot of bad decisions.” And you know what? He’s right. The only way you’ll habitually make “good” decisions on how to act on a date is by making a bunch of shitty decisions that blow up in your face.

So court failure. Go for the kiss. Tell that story that might be a bad idea. Be prepared to torpedo your dates. Really, sucking on a few dates is much better than sucking at dating in general. We’re all entitled to have our moments of suckage, so long as we see it for it is, and bounce back.

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