College Life

Hitting a New Level of Drunkenness: Weekend at Bernie’s Drunk

Picture Nancy Kerrigan, right after she?d been ?Gilloolyed,? trying to pull off a Travolta-esque strut (circa?Saturday Night Fever). If you can see that, you can see my inebriated friend ?Nacho?s? swagger the notorious night he became ie. Once he?d swaggered enough, he fell face-first onto the sidewalk, fortuitously right in front of a delicious diner

The Diary of Dumb Things I Did In College: The Wet Bandits Heist (Part IV)

(Catch up here first, with Part I, Part II, and Part III) I picked up to a machine-gunning voice: ?The dean wants you in her office, immediately, first thing this morning.? The voice was that of a secretary, maybe an assistant, probably a soccer mom. Her tone was unmistakably tacky and a little smug as

The Diary of Dumb Things I Did In College: The Wet Bandits Heist (Part III)

(Read Part II here) We bolted through the lobby and out the front door. Juggy Fats was running shirtless (yet still masked) the entire time. I?m still amazed no one stopped us as the suspicious silhouettes of a wiry distance runner and an obese clown sprinted across campus. Right before we reentered our dorm, a

The Diary of Dumb Things I Did In College: The Wet Bandits Heist (Part II)

(Read Part I here) Juggy Fats made a curious beeline for the bushes. He called me over in a hushed, scoundrel-esque tone. ?Check this out,? he smirked, pulling two small pieces of paper from his pocket. ?Fake fucking tattoos, man. Now we?re real bad asses,? he chuckled as he grabbed a handful of snow. The

The Diary of Dumb Things I Did In College: The Wet Bandits Heist (Part I)

To this day, the dean?s file on us may have some variation of the following. The night began with bad intentions and a case of Busch light. Since September, we?d made a Tuesday night tradition of getting completely bombed in our freshman dorm room. But that night Juggy Fats was drinking erratically, impulsively. He slobbered

10 Reasons College is The Greatest Place on Earth

I have been out of college now for over 5 years… and not a day goes by that at least one fond memory doesn’t pop into my mind and bring a tear to my eyes. Quite frankly, God designed Heaven… and he called it “College.” If you’re currently in college and don’t necessarily feel this

The Cure for Colligate Loneliness: Take the Lack out of Lackey

This post goes out to a special group of college students. This is for the collegiate kids who deal with more shit than your grandfather’s Depends. For the class who, year after year, keep getting pissed on (voluntarily). Yup, that’s right freshmen – this one goes out to YOU! Whoa! that obnoxious Paperclip from Word

Long Distance Relationship Woes? Try “The Agreement”

If this article was a TV sitcom and I said “Hey guys! Long distance relationships work!” an explosion of canned laughter would erupt. Like kids with ADD, long distance relationships are destined to fail. The long distance truism is obvious every year as summer winds down and college students gear up for another year of

NCAA: National Consumption of Awesome Alcohol

Colleges around the country are suiting up for the most physically demanding sports season of the year. No, it’s not your pussy intramural softball championship; it’s the “back-to-school” drinking marathon teeing off at a frat house near you. You’re probably finding yourself in transition between the last days of getting fall-down-drunk with your hometown friends,

Portrait of the Liberal Artist as a Young Man

I graduated from a small liberal arts college in upstate New York. After a few years in the scary real world, it has come to my attention that many people don’t really understand what goes on at small liberal arts colleges (i.e. community college students, illegal aliens, outer space aliens). For instance, my college was

The Five Stages of the College Breakup

Breaking up with someone is sort of like putting a pet to sleep, in that everyone finds it funny but you. Back in college, I remember after a break up, one of my “bros” watched me spiral into misery and he made a rather insightful comment about people ending relationships. He said, “Dude, you’re totally

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