Want to Get Better At Attraction?

This is an email I got from the boys over at the Mystery Method. Always a good read!!

Get Better at Attracting Women by The Mystery Method

Hi guys,

* Focus on Building Attraction – single issue OAP!
* Sneak peak at the next OAP: Hallowe’en

1. Focus on Attraction

Most women you approach should become attracted to you.


Read that sentence again. Is this the case in your life?

If not, we have to talk. First, we need to define terms:

* By "women”, I mean women in whom you are interested. As you should already know, it doesn’t help you to make her friends intensely interested in you, since they might get jealous and poison the atmosphere. A little bit of attraction from her friends is okay, but not too much.

* By "you”, I mean someone who has studied the Mystery Method a fair bit. At the very least, you should be paying close attention to the OAP and following up on The Forum. And as I’ve said before, every man I’ve met who has become proficient with the Mystery Method has also studied Magic Bullets and has a copy of Mystery’s Seminars on DVD.

* By "attraction,” I mean that a woman is interested in or curious about you as a man. It DOES NOT mean that she will sleep with you, date you, or even give you her phone number. Women are attracted to men all the time. Social pressure and evolutionary biology make it so that women hardly ever *act* on their attraction. [Advanced note: some women get scared when they feel "too attracted” to someone and break off contact with him. So, the Qualification and the three Comfort phases of the Mystery Method serve the purpose of, among other things, helping women act on the attraction that it’s so easy to create].

Still with me? Good. Now that we’re all agreed on what Attraction is, the next important thing is to be able to know when you have achieved it. There are specific clues that many women will give when they are attracted; we call these Indicators of Interest (IOIs). Magic Bullets lists over 40 of these in Chapter 5; here are some of the most important ones:

* She is laughing, smiling, and/or holding eye contact with you
* She touches you
* She asks you personal questions about yourself (e.g., your name, your age, whether you have a girlfriend)
* She reinitiates conversation when you stop talking
* She compliments you
* She plays with her hair while talking to you

None of these are hard and fast rules. A woman can engage in some or even all of these behaviors without being attracted to you, or she can engage in none of them and still be attracted. These are guides, not laws of physics. There’s only one true way to tell if a woman is attracted to you, and that’s to qualify her. You put on the frame that you are screening her (by the way, if I can interject here, Sinn and Savoy did an awesome interview about Frame Control (click here for a sample clip) a couple of months ago in the Interview Series…an hour of those two talking about what, in my opinion, might be the single most important topic in all of social dynamics, including meeting women was amazing. It’s not for newbies though – it’s a bit advanced for someone totally new ).

Qualifying is a subtle, playful process. If you have trouble qualifying, go back to OAP #4, or review the Mystery’s old seminars (especially Volume 3, though Volume 2 has a lot of great material on Attraction). We don’t have time to cover it here again, but qualification is an absolutely vital process that most people miss. It’s also one of the key inventions of the Mystery Method, and not much of the Mystery Method will work properly if you can’t Qualify effectively.

Alright – everyone up to speed now? We’ve reviewed what attraction is, what it isn’t, and how to know when you’re doing it right and doing it wrong. Now, let’s address some common sticking points.
Sticking Points: Basic
Basic Level

If you are not getting attraction most of the time, here are some tips that may help:

* Get rid of the fluff: Quick – what is a DHV? What’s a neg? What’s a false time constraint? What are the four major types of DHVs? If you don’t know this stuff off the top of your head, you are NOT going to attract most women. These are the fundamental building blocks of attraction, and anything else you are saying after the opener is just fluff. If you don’t know this stuff, save this OAP for later. Go read up on attraction (again: OAP #3, DVD #2, or start reading from page 93 of the Magic Bullets). The rest of this will just confuse you. I can’t say this strongly enough – if you don’t know what types of things really attract a woman, you can’t possibly hope for success. It would be like trying to play soccer without knowing the rules.

* Let your body language telegraph confidence, not neediness: This is hard to teach outside of a bootcamp, but if you think you have this problem, get your wingman to watch you. Do you lean in to hear women are saying, or do you stand up straight? Do you open over the shoulder, or do you walk directly up to a woman? Are you clutching a drink in front of your chest, as a kind of protection mechanism? Do you fidget and move around a lot while talking to women, or do you have a calm, relaxed posture? Watch successful men or Mystery Method instructors approach women – it’s vastly different from 90% of the rest of the population.

* Dial up the volume: A commanding, confident voice is an extremely powerful tool. In loud venues, she has to be able to hear you clearly, and, in any venue, a quiet or timid voice is unattractive to women as a limp-wristed handshake. If a woman ever has to strain to hear you during attraction or ask you to repeat what you said, that’s unacceptable. Make sure this never happens. Hint: almost every man is too quiet instead of too loud.

* False time constraint?: You must give a time constraint – at least once – within the first minute or so of your interaction with a woman. Ideally within the first few seconds. "I can only stay for a minute; my friends are here, but…” makes a great preface for whatever it is you want to say early in the interaction.

* Don’t fluff the opener: As discussed in a previous OAP, problems in one phase are often attributable to problems in a previous phase. For example, Qualification is very difficult if you didn’t Attract properly. Comfort can go awry several hours later because of mistakes you made during Qualification. And, relevant here, Attraction is much more difficult if you don’t open and transition smoothly. Every set should open. Opening is not difficult. The best resources on opening are OAP #2 (shameless plug!) and Volume 1 of the Interview Series, where Savoy and Sinn break down opening and transitioning from every possible angle. (Sample track here) – order it here. L’il ol Francis doesn’t make any money if you get it or not, but check out the reviews on the Forum.

Sticking Points: Intermediate

* Remember the 90-10 rule: In the first few minutes of an interaction with a woman, you will need to be doing about 90% of the talking. Often, attraction dies because a woman needs to work too hard to keep the conversation going. Given that A) she doesn’t know you, B) that you approached her, C) and that there are 10 other guys waiting to talk to her who won’t make her work so hard, she *IS* in a position of being able to make you do most of the work. Deal with it. Keep it fun and exciting, without being the "dancing monkey”. Until you are sure you have attraction, be prepared to talk 90% of the time. If she contributes more than 10% of the conversation, great…but don’t expect her to.

* Don’t overdo it: As men become proficient in the use of DHVs and negs, it is easy to get addicted to the reactions they create from women. It’s natural for this to happen. It’s a lot of fun to be able to approach women (especially the type of women who wouldn’t have been attracted to you before studying the Mystery Method) and get them laughing, touching you, and showing interest in you. However, too much of this is counterproductive, and it gets boring for women. Once you’ve attracted the woman you want, move on to qualification. The end result is far more exciting than her touching your arm again.

* Practice your storytelling: In my opinion, the last word on storytelling was delivered in the Interview Series by Sinn and Future in Volume 3 ("On Storytelling”).

* It matters what you do before you approach: If you are staring around like a shark, looking for women to approach, women will notice and will be instantly defensive (i.e., not open to being attracted). What you do before you approach is as important as what you do when you do approach.

* Pace your delivery. Many men speak too quickly when first meeting a woman. This suggests nervousness, as if you have to get everything out quickly before your listeners stop paying attention. Adopt the attitude that you are interesting, that what you have to say is interesting, and that you are used to people listening to what you have to say. Even if you don’t think you talk too quickly, try slowing it down in your next few approaches. You may well be quite surprised.

Sticking Points: Advanced

* Watch the negs: Negging too much, especially to women who don’t feel self-confident at that moment or who are very "nice” can be taken the wrong way and destroy attraction. On the other hand, negging too little or too late on very attractive women could lead them to dismiss you. If what you’re doing now isn’t consistently generating attraction, try this system: If she’s friendly and responding positively, and not among the most attractive women in the room, try going without a neg. If she’s not especially friendly, drop one neg. To the most beautiful women in the room, throw two negs during the opener and transition. There’s nothing special about this system, but it’s a set of decent rules of thumb and using it might reveal opportunities to improve what you’d been doing previously..

* Have you gotten too good? Women often try to regulate their attraction emotions. If they feel too attracted too quickly, they will sometimes pull back. Two solutions to this. 1) As you get better, start testing for qualification earlier and earlier. I was surprised when I realized that, on a good day, I could move straight into qualification within 2-5 minutes instead of the 10-15 minutes it always used to take. 2) Watch for "passive IOIs”. A passive IOI is where a woman doesn’t necessarily do something that conveys that she is attracted to you, but by NOT doing something which she might otherwise have been expected to do, shows that she might be attracted. For example, at a busy, exciting nightclub, if a woman spends 20 minutes talking to you, she is probably attracted to you whether she gives you IOIs or not. Or if she doesn’t go to the bathroom or to the dance floor with her friends. Or if it’s at a coffee shop, and she’s there talking to you long after her coffee is done. You get the idea..

* Bring women into your reality: This is connected to frame control, but slightly different. If you have an air of excitement, an energy level slightly greater than hers, and a genuine passion for what you are doing, you will get much better results. Enthusiasm is contagious. Yes, Francis, you say, that’s all very nice, but how do I do that? Well, go out with confident, high-energy wingmen. Reward yourself for a successful night out – where success is defined as practicing and learning so meeting women is fun rather than work. Personalize your openers, stories, and routines to things that you are genuinely passionate about. Someone with excitement and enthusiasm in their eyes talking about a model train set he built for his nephew (on the surface, not that fascinating to women) will get far better results than someone walking through the motions of talking about their career as a race car driver. If you go out at night, go to places where they play music you like. If you’re practicing Day Game, go to venues that make you feel good. (And if you’re serious about Day Game, you have to check out last week’s OAP and the last 4 spaces in Sinn’s all new Day Game Seminar October 28).

Practice all of these. Study the resources that are available to you. Everyone should be able to open 100% of the time and gain attraction at least 50% of the time (or significantly more). I don’t mind if you guys lose a potential relationship during the comfort stage once in a while, but there’s no excuse for losing often early on.

Obviously by now you realize that you should own Magic Bullets. So go check it out.

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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences.  For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.