How You Should Act on a First Date
Below is a David DeAngelo newsletter I might have posted before but I came across it recently and felt it was worth reposting. This is a great newsletter for all those guys who hate first dates. I couldn’t agree more with everything David says here. Read my review of Double Your Dating.
First Date Tips by David DeAngelo
“How should I act on the first date?”
I get a lot of specific questions that are basically variations of this… things like:
“What should we talk about?” and “How do you keep the conversation interesting?”
So instead of answering one specific question, I’m going to lump them all together… and I’m going to just address them all in this Q&A Dating Tip.
THE FIRST DATE ISN’T AN INTERVIEW
The first thing to remember when you’re meeting up with a girl for “a date” is that it’s NOT an INTERVIEW.
You’re not applying for a job (and neither is she), so don’t act like it.
It’s so funny to me when I sit down in a restaurant and I hear a couple that’s obviously out on their first date… and the guy has no idea what to do.
It sounds like this:
“So, did you grow up around here?”
“Where did you go to school?”
“Do you have brothers and sisters?”
“What kinds of things do you like to do for fun?”
Why is it that people tend to act like they’re on job interviews when they go out on dates?
It’s just such the NOT-right thing to do.
I mean, no wonder women sit around with each other and complain about how hard it is to find an interesting guy in this world.
Here’s a good rule of thumb:
ONLY ASK QUESTIONS OR TALK ABOUT COMMON, BORING, PREDICTABLE TOPICS LIKE SCHOOL, WORK AND FAMILY IF YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY RUN OUT OF ALL OTHER OPTIONS… AND YOU REALLY ENJOY THAT CURIOUS DRY FEELING RIGHT WHERE YOUR LEGS MEET.
And why is this?
Good question. And I’m glad you asked.
First, let’s talk about WHY most guys allow the conversation to turn to these ultra-boring topics…
Most guys approach a first date from the perspective of “I don’t want to screw this up”.
In other words, they try to play it safe and not do anything or say anything that the girl might not like.
They try to present themselves as “nice guys” who love mom, have a good job, and are stable.
Somehow, guys have gotten the idea that if they act nice, buy dinner, and talk about the same old things that everyone else uses to bore women to tears that they might get lucky and score (or at least get a kiss and a second opportunity to buy dinner).
I don’t know where this concept came from, but it’s just not a very effective approach.
WOMEN AREN’T ATTRACTED TO THE SAME OLD SAME OLD, BORING, PREDICTABLE CONVERSATION.
Attraction happens when there is energy, spice, humor, mystery… COCKY AND FUNNY... and special sauce.
So, if you want to create ATTRACTION instead of BOREDOM, you’re going to have to learn a new way.
You’re going to have to learn to talk about something else.
The trick to not talking about the “usual” things is to know how to make conversation INTERESTING.
Let me ask you… what are the most INTERESTING topics to humans in general?
Hint: Think best-selling books and TV shows…
Right – drama, violence, scandal, and comedy that is painful to one of the parties involved.
Here are a few good ideas for conversation that come to mind:
1. Any Hollywood scandal involving anyone famous and anyone of the opposite sex that’s famous.
2. Any relationship drama going on between any pop star and their new or ex boy/girl friend.
3. Anything that has to do with hip hop artists spending too much money on rims that spin or diamonds in their teeth.
These topics will light up a conversation like nobody’s business. And they create all kinds of opportunities to be cocky and funny while talking about the misfortunes and neurotic behavior of others.
The trick is that you must remember you’re NOT there to impress her, and you’re NOT on a job interview.
The more you act nervous, stilted, and uncomfortable… like you’re trying to impress her and get her approval… and like you don’t want to say anything that might make her disapprove of you, the less likely you are to trigger that all- important ATTRACTION inside of her.
And here’s a real twist on this theme:
If SHE starts asking the “normal” questions about school, job, family, etc. this is a perfect opportunity to bust on her and say “What, is this a job interview?”
Or “Can’t you think of something interesting to talk about? Please, spare me the pain of the usual school-job-family conversation. Let’s save that until we’re picking names for our kids.”
If you MUST talk about something “normal” or “regular”, try sprinkling in a few of these ideas:
1) History. Women love to hear stories about the history of places. If you’re in an interesting part of town, tell her the story of how the area came to be named, or why the city was built where it is. And if the story involves a tale of love and/or scandal, all the better.
2) Anything superficial, classy, and basically meaningless. Try learning a little about fashion, this way you can make fun of it while acting like you know what you’re talking about. “Didn’t Madonna really screw up the fashion world with this whole over-the-top fake cowboy look thing?”
3) Comedy Psychological Analysis. Have fun by giving your wild perspective on others. “You know, I’ve been trying to figure out why so many people these days are going postal and shooting everyone. I think it might be all the lame music that’s on the radio these days…” This one can be a lot of fun… be creative.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
If you want to keep her interest, then you have to be INTERESTING.
The old-fashioned act-like-you’re-on-a-job interview rap just doesn’t cut it.
Now, for some guys, the ideas that I’ve just talked about will make sense, but they won’t come naturally.
That’s OK. You may have to work on this for awhile, especially if you’ve spent the last 25 or so years doing the wrong thing.
Old Proverb: “No matter how far down the wrong road you’ve gone, TURN BACK.”
So remember, attraction isn’t a choice. And attraction doesn’t make logical sense. If you want to create that magical “chemistry”, then you’re going to have to LEARN and PRACTICE it.
Repeat after me.
“I am not going on an interview… I am not going on an interview… I am not going on an interview…”
Good. Keep that in mind.
About David DeAngelo David DeAngelo is the author of Double Your Dating, and the creator of programs like Advanced Dating Techniques. He has spent the last 15 years educating men on how to improve their dating life, self confidence, and inner game. You can read 22 of his David DeAngelo's best articles here.