Having Trouble Getting Hard?
This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for awhile, and I have to thank my blogger friend Evil Woobie for pushing me to finally write it.
Have you ever found yourself with a girl, things are escalating towards intimacy… and absolutely nothing is going on down there? Or you manage to finally get an erection… only to quickly lose it as you attempt to slide the condom on?
If you haven’t already experienced these situations… chances are you will at some point in your life. I sure have.
I didn’t lose my virginity until my freshman year at college. Because of this I felt apprehensive about hooking up with girls as I imagined them all to be much more experienced than me. I still remember the first night I brought a girl back to my dorm room. There was this exhilarating sense of accomplishment, and at the same time, this paralyzing fear of inadequacy.
I was surprisingly competent at making out, and unhooked her bra with the skill of a pro… but something was noticeably wrong. I didn’t realize exactly how wrong until she reached her hand down my pants. I was completely limp. She fumbled around for a minute before I embarrassingly brought her hand back up to my chest and continued kissing her like nothing happened.
That night was the beginning of my journey on a long and bumpy road to sexual competency.
I knew that physically there was nothing wrong with me… I mean, I was jerking off twice a day… hard as a rock. But the minute I had a girl willing to come back to my place… I would lose all feeling down there.
I wound up in a relationship with a girl from my math class. She was a virgin too. We took it slow in the bedroom and soon I was functioning full strength during make out sessions. We were having marathon foreplay sessions where I would expand so big I felt I could burst…
But then the night came when she decided she was ready to give me her virginity. We went out to dinner, and then a movie. The entire time my mind was racing with anxiety over how well I would perform at something I’ve waited 18 years to attempt. When we finally got to my place I was a nervous wreck. I managed to fondle myself in the bathroom enough to get it up… but when she handed me a condom to place on my boss… I fizzled away.
My next few attempts ended the same way. It wasn’t until one morning when she climbed on top of me… slid me inside her and starting bouncing up and down… that I finally was able to maintain an erection. Of course, I never got around to putting a condom on.
For the rest of our relationship I never wore a condom because I saw it as Kryptonite to my erection. My girlfriend went on the pill… so all was well.
After we broke up I entered the hell of erectile dysfunction all over again. By this time I was tearing it up with the girls on my campus. But I was very rarely closing the deal with them. Mainly because I feared going for the homerun… only to fail.
What I learned about my experience with limp dick
1. It most often happened in experiences where there was a built up pressure involved. The more time I had to prepare for the sexual encounter… the more anxiety I felt. And the more anxiety I felt… the less chance I would get or maintain an erection.
2. I found it almost impossible to put on a condom without losing or at least greatly diminishing my erection.
3. The less comfortable I was with the girl… the less chance of success in the bedroom. This meant that if I could make it past the first few mishaps with a girl… it would be smooth sailing from there on out.
4. Alcohol in small doses helped the problem. Alcohol in large doses made me lose all sensitivity down there.
5. The girls I had the best sex with were the ones I felt no pressure to perform well… i.e.) fat girls, girls I didn’t want to sleep, girls I wasn’t supposed to sleep with.
6. Herbal supplements don’t work. I took Yohimbe, Horny Goat Weed, Ginseng, Man Power, and just about every other over the counter supplement… and none of them made a damn difference.
How I Handled the Problem when it occurred
If I didn’t avoid sex completely with a girl… I would prolong it as long as possible with massive amounts of foreplay. If there was still nothing going on down there… I would eat her pussy and call it a night.
If a girl started to reach down there and I wasn’t hard, I would pull her hand away and just pretend that I was teasing her to build anticipation.
Sometimes I would blame it on being “too drunk.” Other times I would blame it on being “stressed out over finals”. Other times I would blame it on “just getting out of a relationship.”
What I did know was that my sexual confidence was completely down the toilet for awhile there.
Road to Recovery
The biggest break through that I had was one day opening up to my friends about my problem. I was amazed to find that pretty much all of them had experienced the problem before. Some of them were even experiencing it as regularly as me. For the first time I felt there wasn’t just something fundamentally wrong with me. That is my biggest inspiration for writing the article; to let anyone going through this know… it isn’t just you.
Once I was armed with the knowledge that other guys have gone through this too… I became a lot less nervous about the situation.
The next biggest breakthrough came with using visualizations. Visualizations are a powerful tool that can be used for achieving any goal… but for me, overcoming erectile dysfunction was where I saw the most distinct result.
I realized that much of the cause of the problem was me visualizing the worst possible outcome. Whenever I was on a date with a girl I would start letting the anxiety take over and imagining the pain and embarrassment I would feel if I couldn’t get it up.
I changed my internal visualizations. Whenever I started to feel anxiety creep in… I would start imaging having the wildest hottest sex imaginable with the girl. I would image myself hard as a rock jamming her to the point of pain. I would hold the vision of this unbelievable sex in mind and it was like a fortress blocking out the anxiety. Soon I found that I was actually going home and having the sex I was imagining.
If for some reason I still lost my hard on I stopped beating myself up over it. I would tell myself “it happens” and then begin looking forward to my next opportunity to sleep with the girl.
The hardest obstacle to overcome was my aversion to condoms. Oddly enough… with all the girls I slept with I never once had a girl force me to wear a condom. I would attempt to wear them on occasion, but if I felt myself shrinking… I would chuck it aside.
A few years after college I began dating this girl who refused to sleep with me raw dog. My first time using a condom with her I managed, but my performance was less than stellar as my penis was only barely hard.
An odd thing happened the next time we had sex. We had the most mind blowing sex of my life. We honest to god, fucked for like four hours straight. I was hard as a rock, but could not cum. I fucked her all over her house. I made her come multiple times. When we finally finished she said “that was by far the best sex of my life.” And I believed her, because it was the best sex of my life too.
Since then my mind did a 180 degree turn in regards to condoms. I began viewing them as a tool to last longer in bed. I’ve worn them consistently since her and never once lost my erection putting one on.
It’s been many years since I’ve faced the embarrassment of an episode. I don’t kid myself to believe it will never happen again. It’s part of being a man.
If you’re going through the problem right now the best advice I can give you is to stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. The mind naturally attracts what we focus on the most. Instead change your focus to the mind blowing sex you intend to have. Repeat the image of yourself performing competently over and over in your mind.
If the problem still arises don’t put too much emphasis on it. Look at it like a stumbling block, and get back on the horse.
Do any of you have any tips for guys who might be facing this problem?
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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.