Why You Need to Estasblish Deep and Wide Rapport
Rapport is one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective, being in “sync,” being on the same “wavelength” as the person with whom you are talking.
This is something that will get a girl comfortable with you. It will make her feel as if she’s known you for long time, and make her less likely to flake the next time that you talk to her.
This is the reason that it is so important that you connect during your conversation with a woman. If you simply spend the time the time in “interview mode” in which you are going back and forth asking each other questions, in which neither of you are really interested in the answer… neither one of you will have anything invested in the interaction.
If you go out and act like a “routine monkey” around a woman, rapport is rarely established either. In this case, you might be entertaining her, but you’re not connecting with her. Many guys make this mistake, and wonder why the girl doesn’t return their calls.
There are really two main ways to build that necessary connection with a woman. The first way is to be observant. By being observant you can ask her specific questions related to the people she is with, the clothing or jewelery she is wearing, or make cold reads based her general way of being. Women usually enjoy talking about any of these things. And will welcome the opportunity go deeper into any of these subjects.
The second way to build rapport is get her talking about something that evokes passion and feeling. Once you discover a subject that you sense she is passionate about, dig deeper. You will find that some women love talking about a country they visited, or literature, or music, or ballet, or running the marathon. These are the subjects that allow her to feel a connection to her. You are expressing interest in a topic that she cares for. As you guide her further into talking about these things, you will develop deep rapport.
There is a giant mistake men often make regarding rapport. Many times a man will find find a subject a woman loves talking about, say travel, and then spend the entire conversation talking about traveling. They may wind up standing in a bar and expressing their mutual love of European culture for hours… but this very rarely leads to sex.
This is because although you are experiencing rapport, the rapport is more towards a particular topic rather than towards each other. This was probably the biggest mistake I used to make as I got more comfortable approaching and opening women.
I still remember spending an hour talking to a girl about a nutritionist, Gary Null, that we both admired. We stood there in the middle of a party and had the most engaging conversation about Gary’s philosophy’s. Later I walked up stairs, and she was giving one of my fraternity brother a hand job in the bathroom.
Rapport, no matter how deep it is, must also be wide.
When you are aiming to establish deep and wide rapport, you basically take the same principles from establishing deep rapport, but moving from topic to topic. This makes her focus the connection she is feeling on you, rather than just on the topic.
To make this easy, go through the following structure:
Open a Topic – Ask a big question to start a conversation. So what do you do for fun?
Find Out More Details – Based on her answer, you ask a sub-question to get more details. How long have you skied?
Tell a Story – Now it`s time to tell a story. This is when your improvisational skills will come in handy. It may or may not be a true story, but the important thing is to keep the ball rolling.I went skiing once and it seems like skiing is easy It`s stopping that`s the hard part. I could go like 100 miles per hour down the slopes but then at the bottom I`d have to wipe out or hit a tree to stop. I think they should call it stopping instead since that`s the hard part.
It`s important to tell a story early, because otherwise if you keep asking questions, you end up in Interview Mode. And Interview Mode never leads to sex.
Wide rapport is important, but you must make sure that you follow the principles of creating deep rapport as well. Although you are going to move through a variety of subjects over the course of the conversation, it is still necessary that you get her to open up about the topics she is most passionate about. You want to find a variety of commonalities.
Here is a list of the sort of topics you should be touching on:
In order to establish the deeper rapport that you’re aiming for, you must be empathetic towards her interests. This does not mean pretend to be interested in something that you are not. It means that you show appreciation for what she is MOST passionate about.
For instance, if a woman tells you that she is training for the marathon, you need to get inside her mind and
feel the sort of things that might ignite her passions. You don’t want to bust into a story about how you won the 50 yard dash in the sixth grade… because then you would be dismissing something she is clearly passionate about.
So if a woman tells you that she is training to run the marathon, use the following guidelines I learned from Richard La Ruina.
You would usually make your answer up on the spot following the guideline of seeking to empathize as to why she might love running a long race.
“Wow, that’s so cool, you must be very dedicated to get up and practice every day, I mean some days must be easy, but other days, it must take some serious love and will power to get outside and start running. I always admire people who let their passion inspire them…”
“People think runners do it for the exercise and health benefits.. but I bet there is something more you experience…”
Can you see how this can be powerful? You’re acknowledging that you respect her passion, and then you’re asking her a question about it that digs for a deeper understanding of it.
What you are aiming to do just is move through topics, finding a few that you can experience the deeper connection with. But the deeper connection must come from your appreciation of her passion for the topic; not for the topic itself. This means that we don’t ask her for specific details about the training process for running a marathon, or how many calories she has to eat before the race… INSTEAD you ask question that relate to her motivations behind wanting to run the marathon.
That is a lot for today… I hope this helps.
1. This article talks about the curious super power of rapport that Josh Pellicer displays when he first meets people.
2. Here’s an article discussing the onion theory of rapport and how you should allow a woman to slowly peel away your various layers.
3. Emulate a Celebrity for instance rapport. If you want to quickly get someone to like you- try this trick.
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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.