How to Use a “Commode Story” to Make Talking To Women Easier
There was a point a few years back where I was going on a ton of dates off of sites like Match.com and Myspace.
I’d love to tell a nice long story about sexual conquests involving bathroom stalls and the back seat of my old Honda Prelude, but unfortunately that just wasn’t the case. I did a good enough job of sparking the women’s interest over email, and usually by the time I had lined up the date (late afternoon drinks) the women were usually warmed up pretty nicely. It should have been slam dunk after slam dunk.
But it wasn’t.
For some reason whenever I got in front of these women in person, the same thing happened over and over again. Or should I say the same conversation happened over and over again. I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day repeating the same boring date countless time… with different women.
At the time I had already begun reading books on creating attraction, and I thought I understood the material quite well. And before heading out for these dates I would always make sure to skim through some ebooks and remind myself of exactly what I was supposed to do to create some chemistry and connection with these women. Yet, every time I got face to face with these women I continually found myself in boring, soulless, dry, and intolerably awkward conversations. It was like there was a script that we both kept reading from:
“So what do you do for a living?”
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“What did you study in college?”
“What do you like to do on your free time?”
“Do you follow sports?”
I knew I was supposed to be avoiding this sort of conversation, BUT I COULDN’T.
I was like a powerful whirlpool that kept sucking the both of us in. And the more we tried to fight, the more we found ourselves robotically asking “So… what kind of music do you like?” I just could not figure out how to break this pattern of “interview mode” that my dates kept falling into. I even went as far as to jot down notes on index cards and review them in the bathroom. The notes would say things like:
“be cocky funny”
But even after skimming the notes during trips to the urinal, I would still come back and clueless how to steer the conversation away from this self inflicted interrogation that was going on. It was torture. And I was about to throw the towel in and give up.
Then one night, I was up late at flipping channels on television. I came across one of my favorite movies from when I was back in high school, Reservoir Dogs.
For those of you unfamiliar with the movie it is about a botched burglary attempt, told with a jumbled sense of storyline continuity. At the point I turned the movie on we just discover that one of the burglars, Mr. Orange, is an undercover police officer. He had been assigned to infiltrate the operation, and gather information on the various members of the crime ring. The story then flashes back in time, to a scene where Mr. Orange is getting ready to go undercover. Here is a brief transcript of the scene…. (I recommend watching the entire scene here)
COP: Use the commode story?
MR. ORANGE: What’s the commode story?
COP: It’s a scene… memorize it.
MR. ORANGE: A what?
COP: An undercover cop gotta be Brando. To do this job you got to be
a great actor, naturalistic. If you’re a bad actor, that’s bullshit in this job.
MR. ORANGE: What is this?
COP: That’s an amusing anecdote about a drug deal. Something funny
that happened to you on a job.
As I watched this scene I began to understand what was missing from my conversations with women. On these dates, both the women and I were so busy reciting facts that we never had anything to connect with. And it was nearly impossible to begin teasing, flirting, or touching a woman without first having attained some sort of connection. I needed something to bridge me from “that guy from Match.com” to a living, breathing guy with whom she could feel comfortable dropping her guard for a minute and allowing the possibility of a connection.
I continued to watch the movie, my brain working in overdrive.
COP: The things you gotta remember are the details. The details sell
your story. This particular story takes place in a men’s room. You got to know
all the details. Whether they got paper towels or a blower to dry your hands.
You got to know if the stalls ain’t got know doors or not. You got to know if
they got hot water or not… if it stinks. You got to know every detail there is
to know about this commode. What you got to do is take all them details
and make them your own. While you’re doing that, remember this story
is about you. And how you perceived the events that went down.
And then I had a HUGE revelation about storytelling and just how important of a skill it is for connecting with other people. Yes, just like Mr. Orange needed one good story to disarm the criminals long enough to connect with them, I needed one good story to disarm the woman I was talking to long enough to connect with her. I needed something to break the “interview” pattern that kept repeating itself.
My “Commode Story”.
I realized that I needed a good “universal” story that I could have in my back pocket to “break the ice” with a woman I was talking to. At the time I was taking most of my dates out for drinks. Most of the places we went to would be playing sports on the televisions near the bar. At some point, this would usually spark the question “Do you like sports?” or “What is your favorite team?” In the past, my answer to that would be to simply say “I don’t really follow sports.” This usually tended to kill the topic immediately, and once again force us back into interview mode. So I decided that my first story would be an anecdote about my first experience at Yankee stadium and how it went on to ruin my interest in sports forever:
The Dave Righetti Incident
This was a true story that happened to me when I attended my first baseball game back in 1986, all though I would embellish all the details here are a few of these details I would always touch upon:
– The butterfly’s I felt in my stomach leading up to the game
– The smell of stale beer and hot dogs
– My seats right behind home plate
– Eating three big boxes of cracker jacks just so I could get the free stick-on tattoo prizes
– Being so excited because the Yankees were winning
– The guy next to me shouting obnoxious insults at the opposing team
– Dave Righetti being called in for the save
– Dave walking the bases loaded
– The uncomfortable silence
– Me breaking the silence by imitating the obnoxious guy and yelling “Dave Righetti is a faggot”
– The silence, echoing my words
– Dave Righetti startled, turns to me as he throws the pitch
– The distraction causes the ball to slip from his hands
– He walks in the winning run
– The Yankees lose
– Every one turns to me with vengeance
– I make a mad dash to the exit
– I vow to never again return to Yankee Stadium
I have told that story countless times to countless women. And it never fails to break the ice. By the time I finish the story the woman usually have a similar “scary” story from her childhood, and “POOF’ we are no longer in “interview mode.” Once I discovered the power of using a story to break through interview mode, I began crafting other stories to transition sexually or overcome objections later on in the interaction. I remember watching the movie Swingers, and seeing Vince Vaughn’s character, Trent, using his own personal “commode story” to break the tension right before transitioning to sex.
Here is a clip:
Connection and Disbelief
“Story creates the illusion of connection…”
As I started to put the pieces of the puzzle together, I began to realize: What makes a movie interesting, and what draws an audience to feel a sense of connection with the film being shown, is the story. And the same thing can be said of a conversation. A conversation without any stories would be like watching a movie that consisted solely of small talk, boring and completely disengaging.
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A good story allows us to forget where we are, the world around us, and for just a moments forces us to suspend our disbelief. And when you’re talking to a woman, the one thing she is feeling is “disbelief.” In fact, her “disbelief” is the biggest hurdle that you need to overcome to create any sort of chemistry or connection with her. The reason that small talk seems to be so detrimental to your success with women is that it brings to light the fact that the two of you have no rapport, no chemistry and no connection. And this makes it “unbelievable” to her that you could please her in any sort of sexual way.
By having a few “commode stories” on hand, you can transport her to a different world. A world where there is no need to know “what do you do for a living?” This is because, what she really wants to know about you is the details. What you’re like, what kind of sense of humor to you have, what kind of quirky personality traits do you possess, etc. And as you reveal these details through the story, you are revealing “the real you” the one she can feel chemistry with. Not the guy reciting facts as if he’s reading his resume to her.
The first thing you need to learn to make this work is how to structure a good story. A good story consists of certain elements that need to be included. The quick way to discover how to tell a good story is to become a student of storytelling. Begin to pay attention closer to the good stories you’re being told. Read more books. Watch how television shows structure the fifteen minute blocks in between commercials.
And begin to write down good stories you’ve been told, and for god sakes, write down your own stories. All of them.
Your stories won’t be perfect at first, but your job is to do what Mr. Orange did: Take the details and make them your own. Twist them around until you create a complete and engaging story. And then tell it often. Tell the story to anyone who will listen. And don’t be afraid of telling it too much. Remember, even if you’ve told it a million times, they are still hearing it for the first time.
Once you master one or two really good stories, you’ll find that your conversations will take on a life of their own. With that imaginary “barrier” down women will open up to you much quicker. And you will find yourself connecting with women on a more intimate level.
“And this relates to you!”
If you’re a guy struggling to keep your conversations interesting or blast through that barrier that seems to prevent you from really connecting with a woman, take a look around and notice how the guys who really seem to have chemistry with women are all great storytellers. I have a simple exercise that I would like you to try right now…
Most conversations usually include the question “what do you do for a living?” And unless you’ve got an extremely exciting job that topic usually does nothing to create attraction or connection. What if you were to create a “commode story” to answer that question?
Think back through your life and find a story about the WORST job you ever had. Maybe it was a paper route in the fifth grade, maybe it was mowing lawns, maybe it was washing dishes. Develop an entertaining story about your first job. Make sure it has a beginning, middle, and end… and fill it with conflict and suspense and details.
Now I want you to practice telling this story. Get really good at describing the emotions you were feeling while going through the events. Use your body for emphasis. Use hand gestures. Use your voice tone. Use facial expression to bring your story to life. Next time you’re talking to a woman and she asks “So what do you do for a living?”
Simply say “Right now I (insert your current job)… It’s pretty cool I guess. Well, anything is better than (insert job from story.) Haha I was just thinking about some of the shitty jobs I’ve had throughout my life… and nothing tops this… (go into story)”
Can you see how you transported “interview mode” into a humorous anecdote? Once you finish with your story you can say “What was your worst all time job?” or “What kind of job did you imagine you would have when you were a little girl…”
This kind of question will likely get her to open up more by talking about some of her childhood memories. Learning to tell a good story is like riding a bike: at first you’re going to struggle a bit to stay focused and stop yourself from falling down, but once you master it, it’s like putting your conversations on cruise control.
Once you realize how easily stories can be injected into your conversations you will find yourself continually having interactions that are much more entertaining.
If you’re currently struggling to keep your conversations with women entertaining and engaging I’ve recently released several free resources. I put out a podcast titled “Conversation Skills Booster”. And I also released a free report titled “Small Talk Tactics“.
Check them out and let me know what you think…
About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.