How to Dance After Sporting Achievements
As you gather around the family table this holiday with the TV occupying the fifth seat at the table and broadcasting the Capitalism Bowl, you’re bound to hear the patriarch of the family, or any mentally old male, complain about all the celebrations in sports today. There should be no dancing! No high-fives with officials! No jumping on home plate as everyone falls down around you! Harrumph!
But, what do you do if you are one of these athletes? Can you risk alienating this large swath of sports viewers who spend so much money on expiration date steaks and hairpieces? How can you still be true to your own enthusiasm and keep that 35-99 year-old grumpy male demographic happy?
Fortunately, I have five sure fire tips for you athletes so that you can dance the night away and not have to listen to cantankerous columnists the next day.
1.) Dance with Cheryl Burke. It’s easier than it seems. All you have to do is put Cheryl Burke on retainer and station her near the end zone/basket/goal/home plate. Wait, you don’t know who Cheryl Burke is? That doesn’t surprise me. I had to Google her as well. Really. Apparently, she’s one of the female dancers on that popular show “Dancing with the Stars.” Someone has to be watching that show, and my money is on vegetative old men and wistful old women. (I know it isn’t me – is it you? Come on, it’s ok to admit it. It’s your girlfriend, right? She wants to watch it and you just sit with her. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just keep me updated on how Kate and her eight are doing as well.) Do a quick waltz or a saucy tango and suddenly dancing celebrations are cool again.
2.) After you finish dancing, light up a Chesterfield cigarette. It’s always mild, great tasting, and all the big stars do the same thing. (Don’t worry, the crotchety old folks know what they are. Just be prepared to listen to some story involving Ted Williams, Gregory Peck, Ronald Reagan or Stan Musial when one of them gets you in a corner.)
3.) Kick someone in the groin. There are a lot of guys that will want to get in on your celebration action. They want to steal your limelight, so use it to your benefit with those irritable seniors. Wait until the 12th man off the bench or a backup tight end starts to celebrate with you, jump up in the air, extend your leg and land one square on the jewels. If twenty years of America’s Funniest Home Videos means anything, it’s that people love things hitting other people’s groins. All those crusty deans will forget the celebration amid all of the laughs for a good nut shot.
4.) Kiss a girl after you dance your way over to her. Nothing is more wholesome than a kiss; old folks eat that up. (Just remember, Bruce Jenner is a man and not an old lesbian.) Two warnings – no tongue and for goodness sakes, don’t inform the sideline reporter you’re about to do it, because then it’s just creepy. For extra credit, go for a cheerleader. This one comes with a few warnings: don’t try this celebration if you are married, do not try this celebration if you are engaged and do not try this celebration if you’ve been rumored to be seeing Jennifer Aniston.
5.) Always keep a “Support the Troops” sign handy. As soon as you score, pull out a sign that says you support the troops. Then you can do about any dance you want, short of a dance that implies genocide, and you’ll never be criticized for it.
Remember, it’s your image and you have to protect it even when you are excited. No go out there, have fun and destroy your body for their amusement!
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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."