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Why You Aren’t a Costumed Superhero

There’s a lot of talk about “Kick-Ass” and the violence therein. I got to catch it this past weekend and I have to say that I enjoyed it thoroughly. Yes, it was violent. Yes, it could be vulgar. However, the main takeaway of the movie should be there are many reasons why you aren’t a costumed superhero. Examples in the movie that they cover quite nicely are knives, pistols, shotguns, rifles, bazookas, Gatling guns, bombs, grenades, baseball bats, brass knuckles, tasers, punches, kicks, fires, cuts, bullet holes, pain and general real danger. There’s a reason we look up to the police and fire professionals and that we support the troops, because they face these dangers on a daily basis and have been trained to do so, unlike a guy whose qualification is that he wears a Speedo and a cape. But, for those watching just for the violence and vulgarity, there were a few other key reasons why you should call 911 and not be a costumed superhero.

kickassFirst of all, you don’t look good in spandex. Well, I should just speak for myself, but I don’t think I’m crawling out on a limb here. I also bet that you don’t look good in bell-bottoms and a Hawaiian shirt, but I would be more likely to debate that. Maybe you could be a superhero wearing jeans and a t-shirt all call yourself The Amazing Guy.

Of course, maybe you do look good in spandex. You might be completely ripped and have the physique to pull it off. Congratulations. Now, about that costume, are you going to call yourself Storm Cloud? The Black Avenger? Mr. Blackstone? Because my second point is that you don’t know how to sew. Looking good in spandex, wanting to be a superhero and crocheting masterpieces are three data sets that don’t intersect, so you’ll probably wear black spandex off the rack. Don’t get me started on making your own mask. Maybe there is a “Masks ‘R Us” store with non-gimp choices.

To go further on the costume front, I’ve worn full body suits to go surfing. Let me tell you one thing that comic books don’t cover, those are not the easiest to remove and go to the bathroom. Which brings me to the third point, and that is crime is random. You could walk all night and not see a single bit of crime. But, getting sweaty while wearing spandex and needing something to drink are not. If you plan to stay awake with a cup of coffee as you patrol the dark and dangerous city streets, you’ll eventually have to go to the bathroom. So, get used to removing your full body costume off your sweaty body in the middle of a public restroom somewhere. If you run enough and drink enough coffee, I’m sure revealing your secret identity will be the least of your worries. Maybe you can sew in a catheter system.

But, the next question is how are you going to get that cup of coffee? Stand outside a 7-11 in your suit and beg for change?  Problem four is that you need a place to keep your wallet and keys. With your sewing ability, you could sew in a couple of pockets where your cash won’t fall out as you wrestle bad guys to the ground. With your amazing speed, you could outrun the police every time you see them so you don’t have to worry about identification. You could just keep the key to your house in your punching fist. That way you won’t need anything for hours at a time except your spandex suit. And a paddle ball. And that chair. Maybe eventually you’ll train yourself to survive on a diet of leaves and gutter water.

So, you’ve somehow figured out how to find crime on a nightly basis, learned to sew a costume that looks good and has a place for your wallet and keys and plotted out a nightly trail that will take you by stores with clean and private bathrooms that have affordable cups of coffee. The fifth problem is that you have to wake up in the morning. Some people are freelance employees and can set their own schedules, but I bet most people have to be at work around eight in the morning. In the summer, when it gets dark around nine, maybe you’ll get in a good two hours of crime fighting before you have to go to bed. More in the winter and weekends of course, but still, you have to clean your place, take care of the lawn, take your girlfriend out on dates and hopefully have a little sex before morning. Maybe you should finally get that monkey butler.

Oops, sorry, if you are still thinking you could be a costumed superhero, fight crime for several hours a night, have a monkey butler AND keep a girlfriend happy, you’re wrong. And that’s the last reason no one is a costumed superhero.

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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."

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