What to Provide for a Football Party
The first month of football season is over and things are starting to get a little more serious. If you’re a fan of the Lions, you are already looking at your schedule to make sure there are winnable games so that there is not another 0-16 season. (St. Louis Rams – Week 5!) If you are a Kansas City Chiefs fan, you’re wondering if this is your magical Super Bowl season now that the team has reunited the offensive and defensive coordinators for the New England Patriots’ three Super Bowl champion teams. (Or for another possible fairy tale, the St. Louis Rams won the 2000 Super Bowl after going 4-12 the previous season. The Chiefs were 4-12 last year. Mention this additional fact to them so that they can get their hopes and dreams even more shattered when they don’t make the playoffs.)
Maybe you’re just starting to wonder how the Boise State Broncos will get screwed out of a chance to play for the national championship, or will screw your major college conference team out of a chance to play for the national championship by playing games against powerhouses like Toledo, Louisiana Tech and Idaho.
No matter what your football storyline is, there is a lot of time to be spent in front of the television in the following weeks. If you’re going to spend that much time in front of the TV, you’ll need sustenance for you and your fanatic friends. Here’s what you need to buy.
Meat. If you were watching soccer or women’s basketball, yes, working in some vegetables would make sense. But, this is football. This is about gargantuan men that are celebrated as “undersized” when they are 5’9” and 200 pounds. How do you get oversized? Lots and lots of meat. Meat that has been lovingly touched repeatedly by fire. (That’s what you said – after she gave you Chlamydia.) Brats, hot dogs and burgers all obviously work and are easy to do. However, for something a little more fresh that only takes a little more time (ok, about six and a half more hours of time) get a pork tenderloin, a can of root beer, some barbecue sauce and a pack of buns and you can make pulled pork sandwiches.
Cheese. If you’re going to have a platter of something, make it cheese. You might think that I’d advise you to keep it red, white and Toby Keith as this is football, but you’d be wrong. As football fans, we know the reason we love the sport are the complex varieties of offenses and defenses out there. Treat your cheese platter the same way. Go beyond Velveeta and use Gouda, Havarti, Stilton and Edam. This is definitely one area where “American” is not the best way to go. (For more cheese advice, just ask for any on his list. Additionally, you could use a Bermanism (shudder) and serve and entire plate of “Alison” Brie. Yeah, that mention is just to encourage a picture.)
Nuts. Yes, there will be the times where your finest meats and cheeses are not ready. So, it’s best to have something for everyone to snack on while they wait. That’s where nuts come into the picture. Almonds, cashews, pistachios or just simple salted in the shell peanuts all work and provide the perfect combination of sustenance and additional lewd plays on words before you break out the “pulled pork.”
Dessert. At this point, you should be too full to even think of eating dessert, let alone a delicious Bacon Maple Bar. But, was Adam Vinatieri too full when he kicked the game winning field goal? Was David Tyree too full when he caught a football off his helmet? No, and neither are you. Suck it up like your gridiron heroes and eat a bowl of ice cream. Doesn’t matter what kind, just do it.
Then you can say you’ve given a uniquely math deficient American 110% in your enjoyment of football for the day. Next week, if you need a culinary break, you baby, just watch golf.
About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."