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Other Sports To Get Your Fix From

In the next few weeks, the interminable march to the finals will come to an end in the NBA and the NHL and our sports life support that has been sustaining us for months will flat line. What will we watch then?

The NBA is heading to certain labor strife; the NFL continues its lockout and may miss a good chunk of its season; bicycle racers that inspire us all just for living are found to have used banned substances; Tiger Woods can?t get his balls in the hole anymore; baseball players will hit lots of home runs (or stop hitting lots of home runs) which can only mean the presence or lack thereof, of steroids and a black mark on the whole sport that continues to grow and will never leave; and NASCAR will move from carburetors to fuel injection systems. What is there left in the wide, wide world of sports of our untainted youth that is worth watching?

To get to that answer, we must ask ourselves the tough question: why do we watch sports? Is it the camaraderie of having a beer with friends while something happens in the background? Is it because we are looking for action on anything and there aren?t enough lines at your bookie?s place on whether that old lady with a cane will make it across the street? Is it the fast-paced excitement? Is it just the competition, the competition between athletes that can do what we only dream of doing in our sleep or our gaming console? Is it just obsession?

Fear not, for here are some sports that can supplant professional baseball, football and basketball for you, since we all know that college sports are tainted by the fact that they aren?t ?really? amateurs and therefore not worth our time to watch.

For ?Fast-Paced? Action: Soccer

Ok, maybe it?s not the fast-paced excitement that hockey or basketball has with up and down, up and down, up and down, explosion of action. But, they still move up and down the playing field, just a bit more leisurely since it is longer and wider and therefore tougher to get fully up and down.

For those of you that live in a town with an MLS team, I?m sorry. That is your team. You can?t escape it. If you don?t support your MLS team, the terrorists win. For the rest of you, that means you have no allegiances and you can choose whatever team you want in the whole wide world, and that is a lot. Go for big teams like Manchester United or Real Madrid and you?ll see your players in every World Cup and be hated by other soccer fans everywhere. Maybe you?ll find a team name that speaks to you directly like Scunthorpe United F.C. Maybe you?ll follow U.S. Men?s National Team members like Clint Dempsey, Jozy Altidore or Timothy Chandler to their European clubs. Whatever you choose, you can look forward to a great year of calm, measured, leisurely excitement.

For Beers with Friends: Lingerie Football/Roller Derby

Or ... watch whatever this is

Have you ever watched porn with friends? Really? You have and you admit it? Wow, I did it once and the memory of being in a room with several other guys drinking beers, shudder, let?s just say worst bachelor party ever. However, if instead of a TV, it was an arena with a few girls mixed into the crowd and instead of double penetration, it?s double-coverage (you try to find a non-sexual ?double? hyphenate) and you still have beer, then you have the Lingerie Football League or some version of the Derby Dolls. On the positive side, it comes with more clothing and that means more being able to look your friends in the eyes.

For Betting Action: Poker

No, it?s not a sport, but if you are an inveterate gambler?I shouldn?t have to type another word.

For Pure Athletics(?): Bowling/Billiards/Golf

Swinging a golf club, sinking a billiard ball or hurling a bowling ball should be within the grasp of anyone. Compete on your own! Get out! Go bowl! Go hack at a par 3 golf course! Chalk up a cue and sink an eight ball! Avoid the gutter! Use a bank shot! Hit out of the rough! Other phrases with activity!

For the Obsessed: Bass Fishing

If you really need to watch sports this badly, here is the televised schedule for pro bass fishing. Good luck and god speed on getting the help you need.

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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."

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