When Is It Appropriate to “Have Feelings” for a Girl
Before I write an article about “catching feelings” I want to preface it by saying that I’m well aware this is the probably the most unmanly topic a man can write about. I know “feelings” is a topic so taboo to most men that some of you may be thinking that I had my penis confiscated just for writing this article’s title.
I get it. You don’t like to think about, discuss, or even acknowledge your feelings. It’s weird. I feel the same way. However, unless you’re some sort of robot, you’re going to have to face your feelings at some point.
For most guys, they let their “feelings” get the best of them. This causes them to shower women in attention, gifts, phone calls, and unwanted needy behavior. It’s ironic when some spurned lover of one of my girlfriends tries to demean me in front of her by accusing me being a “faggot” for giving dating advice, yet that exact same guy is off buying her gifts and chauffeuring her around.
Needy behavior comes from one insidious source: catching feelings.
But those of us who study dating advice know better, right? We know neediness poisons a woman’s attraction, so we do all sorts of “tricks” to appear non-needy. One of those tricks is suppressing our feelings. Any guy who’s good with women eventually learns you can’t love them all—at least not at first.
Guys who are successful with women don’t get attached to girls they just met, phone numbers they just got, or dates that seemed to go well. Instead, this ilk of studs “plays it cool” and treats every girl the same. In other words, they become calloused. Or, as I like to call it, they become “battle-hardened.”
For me, adopting this mindset didn’t come from reading it in a book or doing affirmations in front of a mirror; instead it came from having my heart pulverized, time after time. After I had dozens upon dozens of girls trample my expectations, my hope, my feelings, I learned to stop investing myself so much in girls I didn’t know. I hate to say it, but I learned to be careful, to be skeptical, to be calloused.
And my results with women improved dramatically.
Many of you have probably learned the same lesson. And you probably learned it the hard way: by having your hopes and expectations smashed by some girl you thought was going to be “the one.” And if it hasn’t happened yet, it will.
Every guy who’s successful with women has to go through this.
But the point of this article isn’t about making you apprehensive of women—it’s about giving you the freedom to appreciate the ones who are worth it. A common “phase” every guy who’s successful with women goes though is an inability to truly develop feelings for any girl. Ironically, it was those strong feelings that led us to study dating advice in the first place, yet dating advice goes on to suppress those very same feelings.
Take it from a guy who’s been at this “game” for a while: feelings are why you do it in the first place. I’ve gone through my “vacuous player” days, where I kept myself from ever really “liking” any one girl. I’d just vacuously interact with women like it was…well…a game. While that sort of attitude may make you feel like a “badass,” it’s ultimately not very rewarding.
Connecting with and appreciating girls you really like is how you win at dating. So, to answer the question, “When is it appropriate to ‘get feelings’ for a girl?” I can only give you a ballpark estimation. It’s not appropriate to get feelings when you first meet her, but it’s also not appropriate to not get feelings after you get to know her. Somewhere in between—and only you will truly know when it’s right—you should feel comfortable letting your guard down and “catching feelings.”
It may make you feel like less of a man to admit it, but trust that it’ll make you more of a ladies’ man.
>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.
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About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.