How to Use the Magic of Frame Control for Deep Attraction
Jon Sinn here with an intro to one of everyone’s favorite topics: Frame Control.
If you’ve looked at a lot of dating advice, you’ve no doubt come across the idea of “controlling the frame” or frame control. And you’ve probably been confused about what the heck it all means.
But fret no more, because I’m going to give you a breakdown of it that will help you no matter what level of understanding you already have or don’t have.
So let’s dive into that right now.
To begin, frames are the underlying meaning of an interaction. If I’m talking to a girl and she is trying to get me to buy her a drink, there is an underlying meaning of that interaction. The underlying meaning is, “I’m less cool than her and I have to pay for her time.”
If I’m talking to a girl and I say, “What’s the coolest thing about you besides your looks?” The underlying meaning of that is that her looks are not enough and that I want to know if there is more to her than just the outside, and I’m qualifying her. She is not cool enough for me just because she’s pretty.
When two frames (or subjective opinions of the situation) meet, the stronger frame absorbs the weaker frame. There can only be one underlying meaning of an interaction, so when two frames meet, whoever has the stronger frame absorbs the weaker frame. ??Often this comes down to who believes their frame more strongly. It just simply ceases to exist, and this process of determining the actual frame, determining what the underlying meaning of the interaction is actually going to be set as, is known as frame control.
Frame control is really, really powerful because generally whoever believes himself more, whoever is more sure of themselves, is going to control the frame. In general, the person who believes more, controls the frame and sets the meaning of the interaction that the other person falls in line with.
Now there are two types of frame control—there is passive frame control and there is active frame control.
Passive frame control happens when we are not outright working. When we are leading or we are setting frames, we are talking about things that demonstrate value, even when we are teasing. Teasing is probably the best example of passive frame control because if I tease a girl and she laughs; if I say, “Oh, my God, you’re such a dork,” and she laughs, then I have passively set the frame that I’m a little bit cooler than she is. Because only people who are a little bit cooler can tease people and get away with it.
If I tease the girl and she violently disagrees, she is making a play to control the frame. If I say, “You’re such a dork.” And she says, “I’m not a dork, you are the dork.” She’s not accepting that frame, and now we have to get into active frame control where we are actually going to have, not a confrontation, but a frame battle, where there are two frames and we are both going to work to set the frame that’s accepted as the overall underlying meaning of the interaction.
This is more of an active form of frame control.
So passive frame control is great for steering; I think of passive frame control as steering the interaction. I don’t want to use active frame control if I can avoid it, because active frame control can lead to people being offended, it can lead to being kind of rude, and it can be broken much more easily than passive frame control.
Passive frame control is amazing because passive frame control happens without the girl even knowing it. She doesn’t have to do anything other than just not to argue. The same thing happens when I’m giving statements of intent. ??If I tell a girl, “I’m trying to get into your pants”, and she laughs and says, “Well, at least you’re honest”, I’m passively setting the frame that I’m going to keep hitting on her, and she can keep saying no, but I’m going to keep trying to get her into bed, which, if she accepts that, then it just becomes a matter of when we sleep together, as opposed to if.
So passive frame control is a little more advanced, it’s very, very powerful, and like I said, steering.
Active frame control is exactly like the name implies— more active, more in your face, more dominant. Active frame control is about controlling the conversational thread. Sometimes you get into a conversation that you don’t want to be in, so you have to move it back. Sometimes you have to cut people off, sometimes you have to say, “Oh, hold on to that thought for a second.” Sometimes you get onto a conversation that doesn’t help you and you have to move off of it. ??For example, my buddy, Jason, and I were out with these two girls one time and he was talking to her, and he said, “Oh, I like your tattoo.” She said, “Oh, it’s a sad tattoo. I got it the day my dad died.” And he was like, “Wow it’s really bright in here.” Just completely changed the conversational topic by ignoring what couldn’t help him.
Reframing is a big part of active frame control. When you have those frame battles, it’s going to be a battle to reframe. It’s going to be a battle to re-set the context, so that one person wins and the other person loses. The best example of reframing is that I was talking with this girl in Boston, and it was late at night. I basically just told her that she was my physical type.
She had red hair, freckles, big boobs, thin, very pretty, and she had nerdy glasses on. And so basically I was just telling her that she was hot, I was hitting on her and I wanted to have sex with her.
And she told me we weren’t going to have sex, but she kept flirting with me, and she obviously kind of liked me, and then the lights came on, and I said, “Alright let’s get out of here.” And she said, “I’m not going home with you.” And I said, “Come on, we both know you are.” And she got in the cab with me. She then said, “We are not having sex.”
And then we got back to the hotel, and we started making out in the elevator, and of course, we had sex. And afterward she said, “Remember when I told you we weren’t having sex—I lied.” I was like, “No shit.” But that was reframing. I was basically like, “Come on, we both know you are, let’s go”.
Sexual framing is a part of active frame control, shaping, qualification, telling the girl how she is. Cold reads, qualification obviously is one of the most powerful forms for active frame control. When you are setting the frame that she has to work to win you over, and she has to do stuff to impress you because just being pretty is not enough.
And that’s kind of a basic primer on frame control.
Frame control is kind of an advanced topic. But understand that you have to control the underlying meaning of the interaction. You have to do it actively by controlling conversational threads, reframing, trying to qualify, and passively through teasing, value demonstrations and leading.
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About john sinn Sinn is widely regarded as the second best PUA in the world. Sinn is known for his hard nosed style and take no excuses approach to teaching. He is a nondenominational teacher, which means that he subscribes to no particular method and instead blends the best of every school of seduction to create the best possible results for himself and his students. Sinn is currently running his own pick up company The Sinns Of Attraction, which offers live, phone and email training.