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The Top 10 Most Extreme Energy Drinks

By on June 19, 2009

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If it were time to go around in the circle, I’d have to say, “Hi, my name is Tracy, and I’m an energy drink-a-holic.” The addiction began innocently enough back in college with the innocuous Red Bull to finish a paper, which then progressed to the several energy drinks to stay awake studying for finals, which then progressed to the full frontal energy drink inhalation for a night out involving booze and even more energy drinks. But here’s the thing: I have no interest in reform. Insomnia? Blood sugar turbulence? These are what I call necessary evils.

All energy drinks are not created equal though. Jolt Cola? No thank you. Crunk? Go back to the hip-hop club. For every Guru there is a Taurine-d up impostor. Luckily, I’ve been around the energy drink block enough times to differentiate between the real deals and the ersatz. So if you’re feeling like you need a little kick in the pants, give it a go with one of these riling, uplifting, nerve-jangling delights.

  1. Red Bull
    Red Bull is energy drink royalty. A classic and maybe your introduction to sleepless nights, it will indeed give you wings, or at least a vodka mixer superior to soda gun cranberry juice.
  2. Monster
    The beast of energy drinks, Monsters are sold in jumbo cans and are not for the faint of heart. These are for use when you really want to rage.
  3. Tab
    Much better than its soda counterpart, Tab is admittedly a little sweet and a lot pink. If you’re comfortable with your masculinity, however, it tastes pretty darn delicious.
  4. Rockstar
    As many a musician knows, true rockstars (and R. Kelly) know that after the show is the after party– and it goes late. If you want to party like a rockstar, this is the drink for you.
  5. Full Throttle
    Full Throttle will definitely turn all of your engines on, as it too is sold in a big can for those who need a big jolt.
  6. Guru
    Though the name may seem a little hippie zen for an energy drink, Guru is anything but. Furthermore, since there’s some juice in the mix, it is the best tasting of the bunch.
  7. Vitamin Water
    I have my doubts about how healthy an energy drink can really be, but Vitamin Water claims to make a healthy-ish one. Regardless, each of its flavors (especially Dragonfruit) tastes damn fine.
  8. Arizona Iced Tea Energy Tonic
    Arizona Iced Tea Energy Tonic is one of the best energy drink bargains. While most sell for two to four dollars, Arizona sells theirs often for as little as 99 cents.

  9. Sobe Adrenaline Rush
    Sobe isn’t kidding. You really do get an adrenaline rush from their drinks, and that’s a lot easier than running laps or hopping on the Bowflex.
  10. Sparks
    Admittedly, sparks is pretty gross. And yes, it will stain your mouth as though you’d just eaten a slushie. But any energy drink that includes alcohol in its brew at least deserves an honorable mention.
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About TracyOneill

Tracy is a freelance writer based out of Brooklyn obsessed with nutritional supplements, mediocre music, audacious (to put it politely) apparel, literary giants, and perfecting the fine art of the Sunday Bloody Mary.

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19 Comments

  1. Adonis

    June 19, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    These are weak sauce compared to Energy Drinks like “Cocaine”, “Bawls”, and most notably “Brawndo (The Thirst Mutilator)”.

    I once drank a can of Brawndo (they’re huge!) & the friend who gave it to me said, “Look at your watch…when it says the same time in the a.m. you might be able to go to sleep!”

    Wouldn’t you know it…12 hours later I was finally coming down from the energy drink buzz that kept me going all night.

    Turns out it has the most caffeine allowed by law per serving….but there are 4 servings per can!

    • daveen

      August 7, 2009 at 4:36 pm

      where can i buy one of these super energy drinks????? mom of 5, work f/t and just drained by friday!!! need sum good stuff lol!!

  2. PeteTheFreshman

    June 19, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    5 Hour Energy helps whens I gotta code for a hot bit…. There’s something called Just for Kicks thats cheap as hell but gets the job done too

  3. Ricky

    June 19, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    Im partial to No Fear ever since I got a case of it from you guys. Tangy, but stikk has a bit of a kick

  4. MikeStoute

    June 20, 2009 at 12:29 am

    Yeah, No Fear is Good! It def has a lot of kick!

  5. Atlas

    June 20, 2009 at 1:31 am

    What the hell is this post supposed to be, other than a list of energy drinks that paid you money to write about them? Just saying something vaguely related to the name of the drink is supposed to count as analysis or comparison? It’s obvious you didn’t even take a look at the labels or price tags, let alone actually do any real research.

    This kind of lazy, ignorant product-pimping says a lot about where TSB’s priorities lie.

  6. daveC

    June 20, 2009 at 1:36 am

    The company that makes Rockstar is run by the wife and son of Michael Savage, an extreme right-wing talk show host. So, yeah, if you want a drink for sexist, racist, homophobic bigots then Rockstar is for you.

    • Anonymous

      September 22, 2009 at 1:10 am

      So a person has to avoid Rockstar because of your twisted, radical, politics? The true bigot is you!

  7. MikeStoute

    June 20, 2009 at 3:01 am

    This kind of lazy, ignorant product-pimping says a lot about where TSB’s priorities lie.

    @atlas I wish they were paying us for product pimping of these drinks. This is merely a top 10 list of the writers favorite energy drinks. Product promotions are done more creatively anyway, usually in the form of a contest or giveaway =)

    Maybe it’s not the best top 10 list, but then again, it’s just a top 10 list…lol

    @daveC that’s really unfortunate to hear, but I still like the taste!

  8. PeteTheFreshman

    June 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    TSB’s tech is fueled by caffeine…. I go through a 10 redbulls and several energy shots a week. I wish someone would send us a case or three of something :/

    • Bobby Rio

      June 20, 2009 at 3:19 pm

      I hear that…. i have a few posts to write today and just shelled out $10 on a mix of Monster and Redbull. Although best bet would be to just buy another bottle of Brainquicken.

  9. MikeStoute

    July 13, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    I herd Brainquicken makes you dumb in the long run…

  10. J-Who

    September 19, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    WAIT UNTIL OCTOBER 4th….THEN TRY THE NEW WELLNESS ENERGY DRINK…XOWii…which means “Empowered Life” and it will knock your socks off. And it’s GOOD FOR YOU!!

  11. Carmen Williams

    September 26, 2009 at 2:38 am

    I drink an energy drink called MonaVie to study for classes, an it is awesome. Its a natural energy drink that’s actually good for you and lasts all day. It has no caffeine, and doesn’t give you jitters, or make you crash. I’ve heard that drinks like RedBull have so much caffeine that it can start to make your blood sticky and eventually cause stroke. Here’s the MonaVie website: http://www.carmenw.com.

  12. show

    October 8, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    The best one that I found is xs energy drinks. They have all kinds of flavors. They have full size drinks and shots.

  13. J_Sinn

    October 22, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Function has a drink called Alternative Energy…I will put it up against anyone of those top ten drinks….Check it out…

  14. Techz7

    December 27, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    I would recomend redline if you actually want energy. Those other ones don’t really do much for me

  15. datsun

    May 27, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    WIRED X344 (thats 344mg of caffine) has has a litte bit over twice the amount of caffine in a 16oz monster it even has a small graph on the back to show you how it compares with other drinks and you can get it for as little as a dollar. If your lucky you can fine a larger version called X505. Wired beats all your pansy sugary energy drinks.

  16. Anonymous

    January 30, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    You left NOS off this list you pussy. Redbull sucks ass.

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