A few weeks ago, while examining the interesting things I found to do in the desert of west Texas, I mentioned my long time infatuation with eating a bucket load of food, in this case, a 72-ounce steak. So, my editor Rick asked if there were any other eating challenges that had caught my eye. I paused, thought about it, and said I’d get back to him.
This is that response.
The first rule in coming up with my top five eating challenges is that I had to like the food. So, once I saw this monstrosity, appropriately named The Big, Fat, Ugly, I knew on a normal day I had no interest eating chicken nuggets slathered in mayo, let alone combined with pizza bites, mozzarella sticks, ketchup and the rest of those meats and appetizers. Same with humongous burgers as I realized early in my life that even the sight of a McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder made me ill. (Probably has more to do with McDonald’s than a big burger, but still, it’s nigh impossible to stop that train of thought once it starts a rolling.) I also had no use for dishes meant to cause me pain, the top of which is the Cold Sweat Ice Cream made of hot peppers and hot sauce mentioned here. I’ll just quote the waiverto ram home my point, “No one above the age of 30 should attempt to even sample this product.”
Secondly, once I started to look at the list I found here (and my oh my, what a wonderful list), I needed a theme for my top five eating challenges. So, I came up with one. My top five had to have a breakfast, appetizer, lunch, appetizer, dinner and dessert. For those of you with a math background, you realize that my list has a flaw, to which I reply, “Nonsense, this is a list of excess!”
Breakfast – The Terminator at Shelby’s Kitchen and Deli
The easiest selection I’ve made in my life, The Terminator at Shelby’s Kitchen and Deli in Deerfield Beach, Florida sounds like a wonderful way to start a day of gluttony. Four eggs, sausage patties, home fries, bacon and toast make up the bulk of the list and they top a 24-inch pancake. It might sound simple until you realize that the total amount of bacon and potatoes weighs three pounds.
Appetizer – The Godzilla Roll at Sushi Delight
Well, after a breakfast that big, you might feel like something a little lighter for your luncheon appetizer. The Godzilla Roll could be that if you’re actually Godzilla or one of his Earth-threatening pals. Situated in the southwest of the greater Los Angeles area, Sushi Delight offers this six-pound roll stuffed with seafood for your dining…pleasure? Like all of these challenges, if you finish, you eat free. However, if you don’t, the wonderful people at Sushi Delight add your picture to the Wall of Shame.
Lunch – The Ultimate Destroyer at Papa Bob’s BBQ
I love BBQ. I think the Ultimate Destroyer from Papa Bob’s BBQ in Bonner Springs, Kansas might test that love like a long-time girlfriend that wants a foursome with two other guys because that’s a lot of meat. The sandwich contains a half-pound of pulled pork, a half-pound of sliced pork, a half-pound of ham, a half-pound of turkey, three half-pound hickory smoked hamburgers, a half-pound of beef brisket and a half-pound of sausage in one sandwich. That’s four and a half pounds of barbecued meat. Even if that sounds reasonable, the challenge also includes a pound and a half of fries and four pickle spears. Still sounds reasonable? It has to be done in 45-minutes. Well, at least it doesn’t take up all of the lunch hour.
Appetizer – 15 Dozen Oysters at Acme Oyster House
If you’re in the French Quarter of New Orleans and don’t have much to do during the day, you can attempt to join the 15 dozen club at Acme Oyster House. Simple enough – eat 180 oysters in an hour, or three a minute, you get your oysters for 50% off and you get to join the club. If you want your oysters free, you have to beat the house record. That would be eating 43 dozen, or 516 oysters. Imagine how virile you’ll feel, if you can distinguish it from that awful bloated feeling.
Dinner – 22” Pizza at Bang Bang Pizza
I thought the Bang Bang Pizza Challenge at Bang Bang Pizza in Norwalk, Connecticut would be right up my alley – just finish a 22” pizza. There’s always a catch though. There’s always a catch. In this case, you don’t get the leisurely hour or even 45-minutes. You get a half an hour. In less than the time it takes for the “Two and a Half Men” to get into trouble, ham it up for a laugh track and resolve everything, you have to eat an entire pizza. I would suggest not trying to watch “Two and a Half Men” while doing it though as keeping food down is often a requirement for these challenges.
Dessert – Five Malts at Crown Candy Kitchen
It sounds so simple. Just drink five 24-ounce shakes or malts in thirty minutes at Crown Candy Kitchen in St. Louis, Missouri. Then, I do the math. That’s 120 ounces, or just eight ounces short of a gallon. What is the main ingredient in a milk shake? You guessed it, it’s milk. If drinking a gallon of milk in an hour is near impossible, I’m guessing this challenge is like trying to find movement in Stephen Hawking’s legs.
So, that’s my top five. One last note for watchers of Man vs. Food: you’ve probably seen all of these on the show as the websites all proudly proclaim and have video links to Adam Richman’s visits. I suppose if you have an eating challenge, the show is pretty much tailor made for your business. So, maybe you’ve seen these, maybe you haven’t. This knowledge is now yours. Do with it what you will, but be careful, as I’m sure doing these will never, ever impress a girl and the damage it does to your waistline certainly won’t either. Good luck!
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