Sex and the Suburbs: How are you still single?

http://www.squidoo.com/upsanddownsAnd so it begins After registration I begin sprucing up my profile with some sarcastically witty comments and some kick ass pictures that all look like me in recent years. This time I will do things differently for sure. Last time I was contacted by all sorts of gross guys that would never have the fucking balls to approach me in person, yet online they have balls of steel. So I decide to go with more of the sarcastic rather than witty approach hoping I can weed out some of the morons. I write some cynical things regarding fitness stating that I am in shape and want to date someone who is in shape. I say that in shape means working out several times during the week, not telling stories of the time you were athlete of the week for baseball in high school. Seriously, who said your 30s were about letting yourself go? It seems to be another trend these daysI am not a fan! Oh and I also stress that I dont want to date a divorced or separated guy, I am not religious and of course my height pre-requisite (although I am short, I tend to like taller men). In addition, I state that you must have the following: health insurance, a place of your own, a stable career, a vehicle and most importantly, a sense of humor. Yeah, maybe it is a stretch but No, noHold on now, this isnt being picky ? Why shouldnt I get to meet someone like me rather than date some fat fuck just because he makes good money. Just an aside since we are on that subject I was at my cousins wedding last summer when my aunt introduces me to this obese redhead that is a longtime friend of my cousins. All of a sudden I realize what is happening. She is trying to set me up with this guy! What the fuck?! I wonder to myself at that moment what the hell is so wrong with me that I have to subject myself to dating a redheaded cow who is dressed like a slob but wait, he is a lawyer and makes good money. I think I am going to vomit. Ummm, Ill pass.

Now I am ready and I begin my search for love, lust or whatever the hell it is you find when you begin an adventure such as this. I began to get a tad bit excited Wait, me excited about online dating? This is scary I fill this out, check this off, talk about what some of my interests are, what kinds of people I would be willing to date, etc. and I send it in for approval. Why someone has to approve what I say about myself is kind of weird but whatever

Well, what seemed like minutes after I get the approval, I get bombarded with winks and emails. HowAFS-061271.jpg exciting, right? Nah I am just the fresh meat on the site! Watch out! As I sort through the mail I realize that half the emails are from the same people that I rejected a year ago. Fucking tools! Do they even realize that they have already contacted me? Disappointment settles in as I come to terms with the possibility of having to do this for many, many months and still not find anyone remotely datable. But wait, after a certain amount of time, if you dont meet anyone than your membership is free. What an incentiveI AM KIDDING ? Hell No!

I fear this will be a looooooong road Best if I suggest the addition of alcohol so I can endure my first encounter with a numbing agent. And so I did. First encounter is with a guy who is a couple of years older than me, only a couple of inches taller than me and divorced. Just what I didnt want (Mistake #1 ? Adjusting my dating parameters)! Sounds like the perfect match! Well, I should try to go in with an open-mind and I definitely wouldnt mind the idea of at least going on a date so I suggest that we meet for a drink in town since we live in the same town (ALERT!!!! ? DO NOT DO THIS! ? Mistake #2 Do I even need to explain this one?). I recognized him when I pulled into the parking lot and my reaction (in my head) was simply NOPE! This should be fun, now I remember why I hate dating! To protect his identity I will call him Gino the Latino (This way I can reference him in future blogs haha). Well, fuck it I am here so lets just do this and we do. After introductions in which I feel I am being as fake as can be, but hopeful, I guess… we go inside. As I look around and notice some cute boys in the corner I am kicking myself as to why I decided to do this in my townWhat an idiot I am! Even worse, I am very obviously distracted by these guys and having a hard time paying attention to Gino as he begins our date by telling me that he has been diagnosed with cancer (Definite mistake on his part). Holy shit! Um, dont want to be insensitive or anything but this is not exactly the kind of thing you should divulge on a first date is it? Now normally I would go for wine or a mixed drink but instead I tell the bartender, "I will take a Kettle One Martini straight-up and make it dirty!. Yup, I think I am gonna need something strong! Well, I gotta tell you that after a couple of those Gino didnt seem so bad, yet I am not really feeling an attraction either, maybe it was the cancer comment who knows. He asks me questions and I am feeling as if I am being interviewed for some corporate job or something. I am half paying attention as my eyes wander to the corner of cuties not good. He suggests we go to a restaurant for sushi (my favorite) and I say yes (Mistake #4 ? I believe my compliance was partially motivated by alcohol). We get into his car (Mistake #5 ? NEVER do this on a first date because it makes dodging your suitor very difficult!). We get to the restaurant and we sit down and go figure the freakin? guys from the bar are there…what are the chances?

Suffice to say that this is going to require some heavy drinking so I begin to drown myself in hot sake shots and slowly the pain subsides and I am almost having fun at this point (*See #5). Fast forward to the end of the night which lasted way too long, when I finally get into bed. Riiiiiinnnng.Riiiiiiinnnng ? Oh yes, I kid you not this guy is calling me at 3 in the morning. Keep in mind that he dropped me off what feels like 30 seconds ago. When I didnt answer my cell I started getting calls from another number which turned out to be his landline! So creepy… I assume that in this day and age that people are aware that cell phones store numbers, the time they called, the amount of times then call, etc Point being that if someone doesnt answer the phone when you call there may be several scenarios- a) they are not around/available or perhaps b) they are screening/avoiding the call. Regardless, they know you called so back the f*ck off a little! Let me reference one of the greatest movies of all time, SWINGERS— You know the scene? Dont be Mikey! You will never get all the beautiful babies and you aint money if you cant keep your cool.

date pornOn that note, I am sincerely offering this advice to help you boys out. It is quite often that I encounter it and cannot believe that people have so little self-control but I caution you for your own good? if you ever want to meet a quality woman that has their act together, DO NOT BE TOO ANXIOUS OR FORWARD! Even if inside you are dying to call, RESIST I tell you! For the love of god, pull yourself together!

I venture that this will come up again in future posts but it still must be said. This may possibly be the biggest turn-off and it only makes a person come across insecure, needy and quite frankly, it is downright creepy! In my experience, when these personalities find a mate, often times their relationships seem to end up being unhealthy co-dependencies. Listen, I speak from personal experience, I used to date em now I help em

The sad part is that after dating for a while and checking out what is out there, it almost seems as if that is all that is left of the population. I don want to believe this is true and am anxiously awaiting to be proved wrong Cmon, anyone, prove me wrong damn it!

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About Jill Summit Jill Summit is a single woman who is not willing to settle for second best. She has dabbled in many crafts ranging from medical and behavioral science to holistic massage. More recently she has ventured into journalism to share some of those dating experiences. Whether it is a source of insight, advice or even entertainment, her efforts are to assist and empower men in today’s dating world.

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