Man was scratching his blue balls, searching for divine inspiration to get laid. So man climbed the mountain of knowledge and found God. And man asked how he could stop the dry spell that had brought many woes from a plague of nightly masturbation and swarms of bookmarked porn sites. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall have women in your bed and soiled condoms on your floor. And man thanked God and it was good. And man spread the Ten Commandments to other men everywhere and all rejoiced with women in their beds and soiled condoms on their floors.
I. Thou shalt be physical
And God gave unto man a great gift, the gift of crab hands. God said to him, “You shall use these fingers to poke woman’s belly button, these palms to scoop woman’s waist, these arms to lift woman up and spin her around. You shall constantly have your hands on woman or else be damned to spend eternity tortured in the fiery pits of the Friend Zone.” And man said, “Be physical I shall,” and it was good.
II. Thou shalt not pick a location just because he thinks woman will like it
And then man asked God, “But where shall I take these women?” and God told him, “You shall take women only to places you think are cool. Not fag hangouts with expensive fruity drinks. You will find venues you like and take women there to bring her into your world.” And man began to weep and told God, “But I don’t know any cool places,” and God said unto him, “Stop being such a herb and find a cool dive bar. Tell her an episode of Sex in the City was filmed there if you must,” and man dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him, “And tip well, for bartenders are the gatekeepers of heaven.”
III. Thou shalt not spend more than $20
Man looked at his tattered clothing and asked, “God how can I afford to take woman on a date? I have no money.” God reassured man, “Worry not, for I decree no date shall cost more than $20 – which is roughly 2 rounds of drinks!” And man asked, “But won’t she think I’m cheap?” God replied, “Maybe, but at least she won’t think you’re an overcompensating bitch. Plus, blessed are the cheap, for they will save their money for higher purposes, like online poker” and it was good.
IV. Thou shalt not ask boring questions
And then man asked God, “What will I talk about?” And God said unto man, “You must ask interesting questions, for you cannot fake enthusiasm. You do not care about her pet gerbil so stop asking about it.” Man asked God, “But God, how will I know if it’s a boring question?” And God replied, “That’s a boring question. Ask something that evokes emotion.” So man asked, “But how will I know if it evokes emotion?” God sighed and said, “There you go again with the boring questions. I don’t know, man – just ask her about sex and fun stuff.” And man understood His wisdom.
V. Thou shalt not let woman call or text during the date
God said to man, “There will come a day when you shall be on a date with woman and she will start texting and calling her friends. You will not know what to do and you shall be confused. If you sit there with that dumb look on your face, woman will no longer find you attractive.” And man was disturbed by this, but God said, “You shall grow a set of balls and tell woman to shut her fucking Blackberry off because she’s acting rude.” And man understood and it was good.
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