Man was scratching his blue balls, searching for divine inspiration to get laid. So man climbed the mountain of knowledge and found God. And man asked how he could stop the dry spell that had brought many woes from a plague of nightly masturbation and swarms of bookmarked porn sites. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall have women in your bed and soiled condoms on your floor. And man thanked God and it was good. And man spread the Ten Commandments to other men everywhere and all rejoiced with women in their beds and soiled condoms on their floors.
And God gave unto man a great gift, the gift of crab hands. God said to him, “You shall use these fingers to poke woman’s belly button, these palms to scoop woman’s waist, these arms to lift woman up and spin her around. You shall constantly have your hands on woman or else be damned to spend eternity tortured in the fiery pits of the Friend Zone.” And man said, “Be physical I shall,” and it was good.
And then man asked God, “But where shall I take these women?” and God told him, “You shall take women only to places you think are cool. Not fag hangouts with expensive fruity drinks. You will find venues you like and take women there to bring her into your world.” And man began to weep and told God, “But I don’t know any cool places,” and God said unto him, “Stop being such a herb and find a cool dive bar. Tell her an episode of Sex in the City was filmed there if you must,” and man dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him, “And tip well, for bartenders are the gatekeepers of heaven.”
Man looked at his tattered clothing and asked, “God how can I afford to take woman on a date? I have no money.” God reassured man, “Worry not, for I decree no date shall cost more than $20 – which is roughly 2 rounds of drinks!” And man asked, “But won’t she think I’m cheap?” God replied, “Maybe, but at least she won’t think you’re an overcompensating bitch. Plus, blessed are the cheap, for they will save their money for higher purposes, like online poker” and it was good.
And then man asked God, “What will I talk about?” And God said unto man, “You must ask interesting questions, for you cannot fake enthusiasm. You do not care about her pet gerbil so stop asking about it.” Man asked God, “But God, how will I know if it’s a boring question?” And God replied, “That’s a boring question. Ask something that evokes emotion.” So man asked, “But how will I know if it evokes emotion?” God sighed and said, “There you go again with the boring questions. I don’t know, man – just ask her about sex and fun stuff.” And man understood His wisdom.
God said to man, “There will come a day when you shall be on a date with woman and she will start texting and calling her friends. You will not know what to do and you shall be confused. If you sit there with that dumb look on your face, woman will no longer find you attractive.” And man was disturbed by this, but God said, “You shall grow a set of balls and tell woman to shut her fucking Blackberry off because she’s acting rude.” And man understood and it was good.
Now God said to man, “No matter where you live, you will never journey more than three blocks from thy home!” And man stammered, “But what if I have really good Knicks tickets, but the game’s downtown?” And a booming roar thundered from the heavens as God mocked man, “Oh really? Are the Knicks better than a game of Naked Olympics in your bedroom? Perhaps if you have such a boner for the Knicks you shouldn’t be on a date with a woman in the first place!” And man understood His wisdom as he sheepishly removed his Knicks hat, and it was good.
Man scratched his head and said he still didn’t understand how to act around woman. “What if I run out of things to say?” man pondered. So God said unto him, “I decree that thou shalt not be too serious around woman.” And man stared into the heavens, blankly. “What?” asked God, “Am I not making myself clear? Just be cool and funny and not a total creepster, man.” And man said, “But how do I do that?” And God asked man, “Why so serious?” Man shrugged, so God decreed, “Yo! Just have a beer and chill, man!” And man understood His wisdom.
Man asked God, “But how will I know when it is the right time to kiss woman?” God palmed His face and hissed, “Man, make your move quick or else be smote to the Friend Zone.” Man asked, “But won’t that be awkward?” God boomed, “Waiting and then surprising her with a boner 2 weeks into a friendship is awkward!” And man said, “Get my kiss on I will,” and it was good.
Man asked unto God how would he convince woman to come back to his place, and God said to him, “You shall adorn your dwelling with “cool” items. A Nerf hoop, goldfish, a collection of Goosebumps books, Nintendo Wii is a good one, oh, and anything from that ‘As Seen on TV’ store.” And man said, “But those things aren’t cool. Do women even like Nerf hoops?” And God said to him, “You shall oversell everything. You’re not simply showing her a ‘Nerf hoop.’ You’re showing her your indoor basketball court. Get creative, man!” and it was good.
And man wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But man insisted, so God said unto him, “You shall be discrete about what you do with woman.” Man shuddered but God continued, “You may want to run back to your bros and tell them of the sex you had. You may want to celebrate with high fives and a round of Miller Lights. But I warn you, if you brag, you are violating the trust of woman and, more importantly, the word of God.” Man wept profusely and whimpered, “But God, how will I ever get respect from the guys?” And God said unto him, “You shall become a dating columnist for an Internet magazine and you will write about getting ass in the abstract and people will leave comments.” And it was good.
This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of the First Date (and leave comments!) or you will be smote by an angel of destruction in the form a fat chick!