How I Stopped Being Afraid of Women
By: Rob J.
I realized I’d kissed my crippling nervousness around women goodbye 2 years ago as I sat with a laptop between my legs, writing about a gorgeous Dominican girl I’d met that evening strolling down St. Mark’s Street. It was a pickup that had been going perfectly—until I found out she had a husband. In prison.
Her thong was still laying delicately on my bedroom floor, as she’d fled my apartment in haste. We hadn’t had sex, yet the brief and wondrous blue-balling experience had inseminated a realization. I tried to crystallize the understanding in words, typing with wild clarity. I remember punching out this passage:
Why am I doing this? To write a cool “report” to post on the Internet? To get validation from pickup artists and random dudes? Because it beats wanking it to porn? NO! I do this for ONE REASON and one reason ONLY…I do this because I love the uncertainty. I LOVE putting my face in front of a super hot girl and not knowing how the chips may fall. I LOVE feeling connected with my masculinity. I LOVE living through my manhood cause my manhood thinks kicking game to hot girls is THE SHIT.
Not exactly a passage sparkling with poetic inspiration, but inspired nonetheless—inspired because that passage bottles the one, singular mindset that separates guys who get good at meeting and picking up women from guys who fail at meeting and picking up women. That mindset is simply an addiction to wanting to find out “the truth.”
It should. Let’s not complicate the choice you’re presented each time you see a hot chick you’d like to meet: are you going to do it, or not? I can tell you how you’re going to answer that question every time, just by “weighing” two opposite forces against each other:
1.) how much you truly desire hot women, versus
2.) how much fear and anxiety you feel before approaching them.
Put those two options on a balancing scale and one will outweigh the other, either propelling you forward or holding you back. I doubt it’s necessary to emphasize the absolute importance that your desire outweighs your fear, as you’ll always lose 100 percent of the girls you don’t approach. What I do think is necessary—and what I realized that night after my last-minute seduction fail—is examining the actual choice, rather than the options.
Before that night, I’d only known and examined the options. The overwhelming library of pickup and dating advice either tries to lighten to amount of fear you feel before approaching (e.g., “reframing the situation,” the 3-second rule) or it tries to add to the desire you feel for the woman (e.g., “get into state,” cease masturbating). While these tips and theories are helpful, they take time to develop into a habit and they require you to constantly approach women to keep the balance in your favor. (Have you ever felt that you lost your “edge” after spending a few weeks not approaching women?)
If, however, you examine “the choice,” than it’s no longer about your desire or fear—it’s about an understanding that becomes a reflex. Things like the 3 second rule, emotional state, and the last time you wacked off are irrelevant—you’re always going to approach simply because you understand the choice…
To examine what exactly that choice means, consider the last time you didn’t approach an attractive woman. What stopped you? Regardless of your reason or excuse, you don’t know anything for sure. Whether she looked busy, looked like she might have a boyfriend, or she just looked mean…or maybe you felt you didn’t look appropriate, knew the right line, or had enough “field experience.” Regardless, you’re only guessing. You’re living in fantasy.
Admit it: you cannot tell yourself with certainty that anything your fear made you believe is true or not. You’re not living your life in reality. You’re literally living a lie—and that lie will keep you in a lonely, isolated fantasy land until you die if you don’t realize it.
So realize it right now: you have a choice.
By now, most red-blooded men would be chanting, “I’m going to live in reality, damn it!” without really knowing what that entails. Living in a reality means accepting the truth for what it is: you’ll get some girls, get rejected by others, and everything in between. More importantly, you’ll earn the private truth of every approach you make—whether it only last 2 seconds or an entire lifetime.
You’ll learn the truth about her, the truth about you, the truth about you and her together—or apart. A unique truth is waiting for you with every girl you approach, but you have to be man enough to accept it, to want it, to crave it.
You may fail. You may succeed. But you’ll get the truth, every time.
I don’t have the time or inclination to detail how pathetic and unmanly it is to live in fantasy is, or how enlivening it is to live in reality. Even if I did, how hypocritical would it be if I were to detail it? No, instead my only aim is motivating you just enough to approach an attractive girl today, equipped with the understanding of the new stakes I’ve laid before you. I want you to see for yourself the importance of the choice you have—which I merely pointed out for you.
Of course, that truth may leave you typing on a computer, with a thong on your floor, and an amazing Latin girl dashing down the stairs of your apartment building as you bask in the adventure of knowing the truth. Of living in reality. Even if she was married. To a man in prison. It still makes for a far better story than: I was strolling down St. Mark’s street one evening and saw a gorgeous Dominican girl I didn’t approach because she looked (insert fantasy excuse).
So, what’s your story? And, more importantly, is it based on reality or fantasy?
I’m confident you’ll find that understanding the choices you’re presented a far easier and more effective way to overcome your dating and pickup problems. Rather than trying to work yourself up by strengthening your positive “options,” why not cut right to the chase by learning what’s underneath your choices?