The Art of Comfort Building
I first realized how important the comfort building phase was 2 years ago. I remember it perfectly. I was at a bar for a female friend’s birthday. One her friends, Robyn, who I knew in passing, begins coming on to me. Robyn is absolutely adorable in a very sweet way that made think a first night lay was out of the question. Later we all go back to my friends condo, and within minutes Robyn and I are in one of the bedrooms. We’re tearing off each other’s clothes. Unfortanetely I didn’t have a condom . Robyn tells me how she has her own place and makes me promise that I’ll come over and finish what we started.
I never hear from Robyn again.
After a week of her not calling back I came to the conclusion I would never get to fuck her. I scanned my mind for reasons. How could a girl go from wanting me so badly… to ignoring my calls?
About a week later I was talking about Robyn to another friend who had met her at the same party. His opinion of her was that she was a shy innocent girl. That was the same impression that I had as well. It struck me right then!!! Robyn was a shy innocent girl… she just happened to be over taken in the moment… and was probably quite horny.
The problem for me arrived when her hormones cooled down and she realized how far we went the first night. Her next thought process was: He’s going to expect me to be the same way the next time we hang out.
The problem was… I went right from attraction building to sex… and I skipped the comfort building phase.
Below Sparky from Real Social Dynamics writes a good post on The Art of Comfort Building.
Real Comfort by Sparky
Do you ever get down when a girl is literally ALL OVER YOU in the club, but then won’t answer your calls the next day?
When her friends literally have to drag her away from you, but then you can’t get her to meet up with you to save your life?
The missing piece my friends is COMFORT.
And guess what… everything you’ve read on the subject is WRONG. To this day, I have yet to find someone who effectively addresses comfort. We read all these guides like “Rapport Questions to Ask” and good topics to talk about to build comfort…its all a load of nonsense.
There is this misconception that Comfort is the result of time spent with the girl. That time spent with a girl = comfort. This
is totally incorrect.
Often Comfort is a byproduct of time spent with the girl, but there is absolutely no direct correlation. In truth, Comfort is a
product of understanding.
How do girls explain Comfort? Connection?
“We just clicked”
“It felt like we just knew eachother”
“He just got me”
These are not time based, these are moment-based. Comfort happens in shared moments.
It’s when you pause for a moment, stop thinking about what to say next, stop thinking about putting your dick in, stop thinking about everything. Just pause, look into her eyes and empathize with her.
I promise you, no matter how beautiful or rich or anything she is, she is going through something.
She’s troubled by something, excited by something, timid about something. Pause for a moment and just realize that she has these things shes dealing with, she’s going through, and while you may not know what she’s going through, you do know that she’s going through it.
Look at her with all your emotional generosity, and communicate to her “sweetheart, I honestly don’t know what it is you’re going through, but I do know you’re going through it, and I want to be there to tell you it’s going to be ok.”
Communicate it in such a way that even if she walks away a minute later, she does so feeling a little bit more at ease about her situation.
And even further, try to UNDERSTAND what it is she’s going through.
A little while ago I met a girl who had just moved to the city. She had few friends, no place to live, and was basically
To top it off, this small town girl had wandered into the biggest meat-market bar in the city and had tonnes of guys trying every trick imaginable to blow their load in her. They all saw her as nothing more than the cute, easy to talk to brunette.
I was one of these guys – until I paused and looked at her. In an instant I felt an overwhelming sense of sympathy for this girl.
She wasn’t some slut looking to get laid on a Thursday night – she was in a new place and wanted to make friends. She wasn’t
some powerful hottie who rejected guys for validation – she was just a sweet, small town girl, lost in the city, and in completely over her head.
I paused and looked her in the eyes, just a look of affection. All night she had put on this care-free exterior, confident,
absorbing all the male attention. I slowly and lovingly pulled her in to me and gave her a warm hug. I looked her in the eyes
again and asked “are you ok – really?”
She looked at me with timid expression and said, “Really?” I nodded. “Well, i’m a little nervous, I still havnt found a job,
I’ve still got nowhere to live, I’m running out of money, and even little things like doing my laundry are stacking up.”
I hugged her again, communicating nothing more than acceptance and empathy. “Sweetheart, I know it can be really daunting starting from scratch in a new city, but believe me, it’s worth it, and once you get through this you’ll be really glad you did.”
In an instant her demeanor changed, she became nothing more than a sweet girl, new in town, and unsure of herself, but completely open to me. I genuinely felt for this girl – she was really going through something and I wanted to do something nice for her.
“I’ll tell you what… tomorrow we’ll sit down together and go through Craigslist and find you a place to live, and once we’ve
got that taken care of the rest will fall into place”.
From then on, the other guys seemed to dissolve away – like they were invisible (do you really think that after that she’d go home with the guy who asked if her nails were real then spent the next 4 hours asking her favorite movies and music, “fractionating” attraction periodically??).
She spent the night, and I kept my word. I feel good helping others, and her and I are still friends.
The saying is “the self always shines through”. This is true – girls see your heart, not your words. The thing is, there is no
need to fake it. Just be an emotionally affectionate person. Be giving with your sympathy and genuine with your empathy.
If Comfort is something you struggle with, I suggest you watch the movie Maria Full of Grace. Think about how you would interact with her – if you could communicate with her what would you express?
Would you race to get your dick in? Or would you honestly just give her the little bit of emotional support that would mean the world to her? (for those that haven’t seen it, it’s about a girl who moves to America with little money, not speaking english, knowing no one, and in a totally screwed situation).
These days my phone rings a lot – girls like to talk to me. They call me about how they’re nervous about an upcoming exam. How they’re excited about a new job. How they feel guilty about sleeping with a guy.
Adulthood can be a pretty lonely place – often all we need is just a little bit of compassion, a small amount of understanding
– if even just for an instant.
Where we share ourselves with someone, put ourselves out there completely open and on the line, and the other person gently tells us “hey, I see you, and it’s ok”. Just to be accepted and not judged. To be reassured but not patronized.
When you can give this to those you interact with, not only will you notice your calls start being returned, you’ll also find the
overwhelming joy of sharing compassionate moments with beautiful people.
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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.