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How to Have Sex in Cars Built for Dwarfs

In this age of going green, volatile oil prices, and environmentalism, things are shifting in the auto industry. Car makers who don’t want to go bankrupt will have to give in to building more efficient (and most likely smaller) vehicles. As cars shrink, so will your ability to get busy easily in them. Sure, you could always shell out for the Escalade Hybrid, which would be a lot like having sex in your living room, but eventually you’ll realize 21 mpg highway really isn’t very impressive and you’re still getting dirty looks from all your neighbors. I want you to be both well-sexed and environmentally-friendly, so below you’ll find some great ways to do it in any car.

Be well-prepared

Yes, this may seem to zap the spontaneity right out of everything, but in this situation it really helps to make like a boy scout. It’s good to plan where you can park the car, what part of the car will be most comfortable, and what you’re going to wear. You never know who may happen on your car during the act, and the ability to get dressed quickly will come in handy.

Most of my car sex endeavors have occurred while partaking in a long distance relationship. We would agree to split the driving distance, meet up for a quick tryst, and go on our respective ways. In the past, you’d consult a map, find a town that seemed to be halfway, and drive around in search of a dark parking lot. Recently I found this nifty little application that does the work for you: Meet in Between Us. Just plug in any number of addresses and the application will find a central location and provide you with a list of stores, hotels, and restaurants in the area. Very helpful.

Keep in mind that in most places it’s illegal to have sex in public, and that includes behind the closed doors and fogged windows of your car. This is my disclaimer, so don’t come after me when you get arrested.

Do it in the front

Sure there are reasons to avoid the front seat of any car – steering wheel, center console, emergency brake – but there are still ways to make it work. These are great for cars with little to no backseat.

  1. Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl
    This is the easiest place to start and can be done in the driver’s or passenger’s seat. Slide the seat back as far as it will go and recline it to about 45° or more to allow your lady more mobility. If your car is a two-seater or the seats don’t recline, this position can still work, but motions will have to be more controlled and there will be less headroom. Have her climb on top facing either you or the dash. She can use both the seat and dash to support herself, and should use close, grinding motions rather than hearty bounces to avoid breaking her own neck on the roof of the car. (This can also be used in the backseat.)
  2. Doggy Riding Shotgun
    Recline the passenger seat as far as it will go. It will also provide more leg room if you can slide the seat all the way back. Have your girl kneel facing the seat with her upper body face down over the back of it. Climb into the seat facing her back with your knees on the seat inside of her and lean your body on top of her. Enter her from this position and use the top of the seat to balance yourself and gain leverage for thrusting. Keep your body close to hers and try to move front to back rather than up and down to avoid hitting your head.
  3. Passenger-side Spoon
    Keep the seat fully-reclined for this one, too. If your seat doesn’t recline entirely flat, it will help to place discarded clothes under your bodies to make the hinge of the seat more comfortable. Just like rear-entry spooning in the bedroom, have your partner lay on her side and then mimic the position behind her. You can hold on to the side of the seat to pull yourself inside of her and she can push against the closed door to keep her body close to yours.
  4. The Ole Wraparound
    In the reclined passenger seat, have your partner lay down on her back. Climb on top of her with your body between her legs, your knees on the edge of the seat, and your legs on the ground below the dash. She may need to slide up the back of the seat so you have more room for your legs. Have her wrap her legs around your waist and pull you in to her. If her legs get tired, she can relax them by resting her heels on the dashboard. Again, avoid too much up and down motion or you’ll whack your head.

Hit it from the back

The size of backseats can vary drastically. Most smaller cars barely have room for two adults to sit back there, let alone get it on. With that in mind, I suggest the following positions to transform a compact car into a chamber of sexuality.

  1. Half and Half
    Aptly named as half of the couple (you) remains in the front seat while the other half (her) climbs into the back. She kneels in the backseat facing the front. You place your left leg in the passenger seat, your right in the driver’s seat facing the back of the car. Slide your pants down a bit, and let her go down on you between the seats. You can lean back against the dash or steering wheel and give her full access to everything, or lean forward and cop a feel on her.
  2. Front to Back
    Have her kneel on the backseat facing either of the side windows. Kneel behind her. You can place one knee between her legs and one foot on the floor for better balance, if necessary. Lean forward placing your hands either on/around the window in front of you or on the front seat. You’ll want to keep your weight from landing on your partner and your thrusting under control or her face will be slammed into the glass. Broken noses can quickly kill the mood. Depending on the size of the backseat, this position can be modified into a more traditional doggy style. If there’s room for it, have her put both hands and knees on the back seat and get behind her. You’ll probably be able to bang a bit harder and leaning forward on to her body will keep you from hitting your head.
  3. Flying V (Yes, I just made a Mighty Ducks reference.)
    Slide the front seats up as far as they will go and push them forward. Have your girl sit in the center of the backseat with her hips tilted up slightly. You will get into the backseat after her and place your knees either on the floor or on the edge of the seat. This may take a few tries to find the most comfortable placement. After you’re in position, have her place her legs in the air and rest her feet on the headrests of both front seats. Since you will be less mobile than her, this position requires her to work a bit harder. She will have to slide closer to you until you’re able to penetrate, and a lot of the motion will have to come from her hips.

    If the backseat is just too small for your legs to fit, straddle the center console, lay the front seats down as far as they will go. She can try sliding down to her back on the seat and putting her feet on top of the front seats to get closer to you.

  4. Bull Rider
    A slightly more intense version of Cowgirl. You sit on either side of the backseat with the front seats slid all the way up and tilted forward. She climbs on top of you, leans back on to the front seat, and rides you like a bucking bronco. In this position, it’s best for her to stay close to you, but use deep, dramatic grinding motions all over your lap. It’s quite easy to get out of control in this position, so you’re running you’re biggest risk for injury. However, this one out of all of them gives you the best view of her face, body, and bouncing chest. You know, if you’re interested in any of those things.

This list is obviously not exhaustive, but is a good place to start. If you’re a hardcore vehicular love maker and looking for more, check out Carma Sutra, a thorough guide to car-based sexing. Also, you’ll probably want to stock up on the ibuprofen; even the most skilled car sex artists can pinch a nerve, pull a muscle, or throw out a back.

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