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Clip Reel: Watching the Awful Comic Book Movies

All-Time Worst Comic Book Movies

According to every news article in the world, ever, there’s some new movie coming out today called "Watchmen” that’s supposed to be a big deal or something. But before all you fanboys get your hopes up – I know, it’s a little too late for that by now – it might be best to temper your enthusiasm by taking a look at some of the past comic book translations that didn’t turn out to be quality cinematic experiences.

Let’s take them on in chronological order:

"Supergirl” (1984):


Hot off the success of "Superman” comes the vaginal-based version, who literally erupts from an egg and saves the world by using her laser boobs or something. Think "Teen Wolf Too”, but less hairy and even shittier.

"The Punisher” (1989):


Not so much of a superhero so much as a serial killer who targets bad guys (kind of like "Dexter” with a machine gun), the world of 1989 wasn’t ready for this Dolph Lundgren vehicle, whose acting skills are showcased during the trailer by making sure no one leaves the theater hearing him speak an audible line.

"Captain America” (1990):


As an American, this movie is offensive in so many ways. Little wings on the side of the helmet? That cheap-looking shield? And what, he couldn’t afford any better clothes than those horrible blue tights? If this were made in Russia during the 1940s, the director and producer would immediately be sent to the gulag.

"Steel” (1997):


Originally intended to be a spin-off of "Superman”, all hints to the famed superhero were scrubbed from the final product. Instead, Shaq gave hecklers Grade-A material by starring in one of the biggest box office disasters of all time. Luckily, he was later able to retort with the phrase "Well, at least I didn’t rape anyone.”

"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” (2003):


The scariest trailer on this list for "Watchmen” aficionados, "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” is another film based on an Alan Moore-created comic that’s notable for being the last movie Sean Connery has starred in, a fact that continues to make him so angry he may need to slap a bitch.

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About Rick Mosely Rick is the editor for TSB magazine.

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