Clip Reel: Chuck Norris Does Not Age, Even on his 69th Birthday
Today, the man who throws roundhouse kicks at the sun, sneezes with his eyes open and can win a Connect Four game in only three moves celebrates his birthday. That’s right, it’s the 69th anniversary of Chuck Norris’ birth, when he roundhouse-kicked through his mother’s womb, stitched her back up with his saliva, and greeted the nearby doctors by slapping their bottoms. Later, he changed his own diapers, used a steel bolt as a pacifier, and went through puberty after he already impregnating thirty women. That’s just the way Chuck Norris rolls.
To celebrate the absurdity of Chuck Norris, we thought it’d be best to take a look at some of his most important cinematic work. Just remember: You’re not watching Chuck Norris clips. He’s allowing your eyes to stay open.
Little known fact: Chuck Norris’ sense of smell is so acute, he does not need carbon monoxide detectors.
During this shot, Chuck Norris didn’t need one special effect. He just jumped.
Chuck Norris kills more motorists than drunk driving.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure AIDS. Too bad he never cries.
And finally, just a bunch of clips edited together of Chuck Norris kicking ass. Strange thing is, Chuck Norris edited this collection all by himself. With analog editing equipment!
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About Rick Mosely Rick is the editor for TSB magazine.