Three Steps To Avoid Contracting Swine Flu

We’re always looking out for you here at TSB Magazine, so when new reports started airing last week warning about a deadly outbreak of flu in Mexico and America – along with a handful of cases in Canada and New Zealand, officially making it a global epidemic – we thought we better put our readership on alert. Follow these three simple instructions, and we can all avoid the apocalyptic scenario from Stephen King’s The Stand.

1. Don’t go outside, ever.

This is where one goes to contract the flu. You don’t want to get the flu, do you? Of course you don’t, or else you wouldn’t be reading this. Plus, what is there really to do outside anyway? Look at the sun again? You’ve seen it enough by now, so it’s not like you’re really missing out on much. If you can’t do without it though, you can probably find streaming video of it.

2. If you have to go outside, wear a Hazmat suit.

You know, those enormous suits people wear in movies whenever they’re handling nuclear elements – or in the case of Bill Murray in Caddyshack, a candy bar that’s “no big deal” – that protects them from every possible disease short of whatever’s brewing in Paris Hilton’s crotch? Buy one of those. And if you feel embarrassed to be seen outdoors in one of those outfits, just tell everyone you’re wearing it ironically. They’ll just think you’re hip.

3. Please, stop having sex with pigs.

It probably doesn’t decrease your chance of contracting the flu much, but it will keep you from going to jail and contracting prison rape. More importantly, I like eating my bacon with the knowledge that it’s un-fucked. Thank you in advance.