The All Naturals

Once again, with the news of Manny Ramirez taking fertility drugs in order to mask his tiny testicles or something, the legitimacy of our sports heroes are to be questioned. Fortunately, there are a number of players out there who have never betrayed our trust by ingesting illegal drugs. Unfortunately, we know they haven’t because they suck. A lot. But at least we can root for them knowing that their suckiness is all natural.

So with that ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the best team composed of players who have never touched a steroid: The All Naturals.

Catcher: Brad Ausmus, Dodgers

The 40-year-old backup for the Dodgers has always been known for his “defensive prowess”, which is code word for “an awful hitter”. A .252 career hitter over 17 seasons, Ausmus has only put out 79 home runs over 6137 at-bats, or about five a year. If he was college basketball player, he’d be one of the awkward white guys at the end of the bench, cheering louder than anyone else in the stadium.

First Baseman: Travis Ishikawa and Rich Aurilia, Giants

First base is usually a place teams use to stick one of your their powerful bats because of the ease it is to defend the position. But don’t tell that to the San Francisco Giants, who are platooning between Ishikawa and Aurilia this year, creating the most anemic offensive attack in the league. Currently the pair have gone 112 at-bats without a single home run.

Second Baseman: Luis Castillo, Mets

For anyone who’s played fantasy sports, Luis Castillo is synonymous with a high batting average and some stolen base. What he’s not known for is hitting the ball out of the park. In his 14-season career, he’s only circled the bases 27 times, an average of about three a year.

Shortstop: Nick Punto, Twins

Not known for, well, being good, Punto is currently hitting .190 for the year. His career slugging percentage over nine seasons is .327. To give you a sense of comparison, Royce Clayton, who was an awful hitter, slugged for .367.

Third Baseman: Geoff Blum, Astros

Another supposed “power position”, here is Astros third baseman Geoff Blum’s rookie card from 1999:

Ten years later, he looks exactly the same.

Outfielder: Scott Podsednik, White Sox

Returning to the White Sox this year after a brief retirement (mostly a forced one, seeing as no one was willing to give him a shot during spring training), remove Pods’ insane first two seasons in the big leagues – where he hit nine and 12 home runs – and he’s only hit seven in the other five years. (Actually, that’s career path a player would have if they used steroids to get into the majors, and then went off them when testing became more stringent and his role on the team was more solidified.) But no matter if he did, we should still root for him because he’s having sex with this woman:


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About Rick Mosely Rick is the editor for TSB magazine.

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