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I Love You, Old Man: Father’s Day Gifts For the Bro That’s Your Dad

The man raised you. Without his sperm you’d be nothing. So when Father’s Day rolls around (and it’s rolling around pretty damn soon), it’s best not to half-ass the celebration. I mean, really, put the bottle of Yellowtail back on the shelf. The guy has seen your soiled shorts countless times, which even your fraternity brothers have only seen once or twice (or so one would hope), and if that doesn’t deserve a medal of honor, it minimally deserves a lovely day of quality time and/or a killer present.

Making a restaurant reservation is easy enough, as is purchasing a tongue-in-cheek, sentimental but not syrupy, funny silly not funny ha-ha greeting card for the occasion. Yet, the gift-giving often becomes a mind-racking affair addled with questions like, “What do sixty-year-old men like to do for fun?” or “What does Dad want but not need?” or “Do I even know my father enough to buy him a present?” It can spiral into treacherous and unproductive limbo amidst the aisles of Home Depot or Best Buy.

To reduce the mental aerobics, though, we’ve compiled some of the best that this free market economy has to offer for the paternally-inclined. Now get out there and spend with abandon like the pre-recession American consumer you once were!

Nintento Wii

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Just because your father was already an adult when Pong first revolutionized American entertainment with shockingly repetitious pixellated hypnosis doesn’t mean that he won’t appreciate the Wii. In fact, he’ll probably enjoy it all the more, as everyone knows that the Wii is the non-gamer’s console of choice. Just be sure to clear space for Wii golf if you want to prevent the urn of your grandmother’s ashes from resembling a pinata.

Adjustable Dumbbells

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Sedentary adults may lose between 5 and 7 pounds of muscle per decade if they aren’t careful, which means that a man old enough to be your dad may have lost thirty pounds of muscle over his lifetime. If you don’t want a Capri Sun to be heavy lifting for your pops in a few years, adjustable dumbbells may be the perfect gift. And if he doesn’t like them, at least he’ll get some exercise carrying them back to the store to return them.

Brother One Cell

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Don’t even think about the Kindle. I don’t care what Oprah says; that’s a soulless hunk of electronics. Instead, pick up this nonfiction title written by Cullen Thomas. It is the story of his stay in a South Korean jail after being caught in possession of marijuana, which will surely make the time your dad had to bail you out after a night of drunken belligerence look like a round of bumper car revelry in comparison.

iKaraoke

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So maybe your father’s Boston cover band never really took off, but that’s no reason for him to get the blues every time he hears “More Than a Feeling.” He’s still got time to belt out his jams, at least in the comfort of his own living room, with the iKaraoke. If you really love your mom, though, sneak her a set of inconspicuous earplugs.

Niagra the Board Game

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You may look back on family vacations with horror or perhaps your dad’s knee replacement has left him pretty inactive, but sometimes, when the full moon comes out, perhaps you fantasize about a father-son camping trip. Of course there’s a better way to bond than nauseating yourselves with canned pork and beans though, and that is Niagra the Board Game. You’ll probably feel a little like a cheesy kid on a commercial giddily jumping for joy over family game night, but hell, what’s a guy to do if he can’t enjoy a bit of small-scale cardboard kayaking with his old man?

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About TracyOneill Tracy is a freelance writer based out of Brooklyn obsessed with nutritional supplements, mediocre music, audacious (to put it politely) apparel, literary giants, and perfecting the fine art of the Sunday Bloody Mary.

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