If it were time to go around in the circle, I’d have to say, “Hi, my name is Tracy, and I’m an energy drink-a-holic.” The addiction began innocently enough back in college with the innocuous Red Bull to finish a paper, which then progressed to the several energy drinks to stay awake studying for finals, which then progressed to the full frontal energy drink inhalation for a night out involving booze and even more energy drinks. But here’s the thing: I have no interest in reform. Insomnia? Blood sugar turbulence? These are what I call necessary evils.
All energy drinks are not created equal though. Jolt Cola? No thank you. Crunk? Go back to the hip-hop club. For every Guru there is a Taurine-d up impostor. Luckily, I’ve been around the energy drink block enough times to differentiate between the real deals and the ersatz. So if you’re feeling like you need a little kick in the pants, give it a go with one of these riling, uplifting, nerve-jangling delights.
Red Bull is energy drink royalty. A classic and maybe your introduction to sleepless nights, it will indeed give you wings, or at least a vodka mixer superior to soda gun cranberry juice.
The beast of energy drinks, Monsters are sold in jumbo cans and are not for the faint of heart. These are for use when you really want to rage.
Much better than its soda counterpart, Tab is admittedly a little sweet and a lot pink. If you’re comfortable with your masculinity, however, it tastes pretty darn delicious.
As many a musician knows, true rockstars (and R. Kelly) know that after the show is the after party– and it goes late. If you want to party like a rockstar, this is the drink for you.
Full Throttle will definitely turn all of your engines on, as it too is sold in a big can for those who need a big jolt.
Though the name may seem a little hippie zen for an energy drink, Guru is anything but. Furthermore, since there’s some juice in the mix, it is the best tasting of the bunch.
I have my doubts about how healthy an energy drink can really be, but Vitamin Water claims to make a healthy-ish one. Regardless, each of its flavors (especially Dragonfruit) tastes damn fine.
Arizona Iced Tea Energy Tonic
Arizona Iced Tea Energy Tonic is one of the best energy drink bargains. While most sell for two to four dollars, Arizona sells theirs often for as little as 99 cents.
Sobe Adrenaline Rush
Sobe isn’t kidding. You really do get an adrenaline rush from their drinks, and that’s a lot easier than running laps or hopping on the Bowflex.
Admittedly, sparks is pretty gross. And yes, it will stain your mouth as though you’d just eaten a slushie. But any energy drink that includes alcohol in its brew at least deserves an honorable mention.
Tracy is a freelance writer based out of Brooklyn obsessed with nutritional supplements, mediocre music, audacious (to put it politely) apparel, literary giants, and perfecting the fine art of the Sunday Bloody Mary.