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What If MLB Umpires Decided About …

Major League Baseball umpires have been on the hot seat this postseason after making a handful of, let?s say, ?questionable? calls while on their field. So we started wondering what would happen if Major League umpires were handed over the responsibility to make a few other decisions over the past few millenniums. Say, the umpires were given the ability to decide ?

? who to pick during the 1998 NFL Draft?

?On second thought, let?s go ahead and draft that spunky kid out of Washington State, Ryan Leaf. He showed a lot of poise during the combine.?

? what NBC show to cancel in 1990?

?Well, after that initial five-episode run of The Seinfeld Chronicles, we think it?s time to pull the plug on that monstrosity. No reason to give second chances here. It?s clear that this show is, literally, about nothing. Let?s go back to our tried-and-true method of focusing our primetime sitcoms on mostly ordinary families with menial problems. In fact, how about we give another season to The Fanelli Boys.?

? what band to sign to EMI Records in 1961?

?We?ll tell you one thing, what the world doesn?t need is another mop-topped four-piece boy band from Liverpool! Especially one that harmonizes for a bunch of screaming girls! These young lads can?t even spell their name properly. It?s two E?s!?

? what stock to buy in 1980?

?One thing we won?t be buying is a share of that company named after a fruit. Next you?ll ask us to sink our money into a company named Orange. Instead, let?s pool our resources and buy stock in that DeLorean car company. They?re about to make a comeback. We can feel it.?

? what kind of videotapes to buy in 1979?

?We?ll take one copy of every movie you have please, all in Betamax. What?s that? No, of course we?re not worried this will be an obsolete media format in the next half-decade. Where?s the competition? VHS? Please. The only positive on that is its cheap production value, most valuable for making home movies or mass producing pornography. And both of those markets are no doubt going to fade away real quickly.?

? what movie to fund for Paramount Pictures in 1997?

?How much does James Cameron want to fund his little boat movie? $200 million? Yeah, we?re going to go ahead and say ?No thanks? to that one. Those Terminator pictures were fun and all, but there?s no way Titanic is going to be worth what we?d be paying for it, especially with that little punk from Growing Pains as the star.?

? who to pick third overall in the 1984 NBA Draft?

?Damn. We really had our eye set on Sam Bowie. Yeah, we know you like this kid out of North Carolina. But think about it. The only reason he was able to score so much was because big ol? Sam Perkins was clearing out the lane for him. Let?s put all of our eggs into that basket instead. The Mavericks can have the burden of this Jordan fella.?

? what action to take during the Continental Congress of 1776?

?We?ll tell you what, we are extremely comfortable with the status quo. Let?s just remain a colony for a bit and see how it goes. As for the ?taxation without representation? thing: No need to get our tri-corner hats in a bundle. We?re lucky enough to have the honor of quartering British soldiers in our place of residence. That alone is worth the taxes we pay! Now, with that settled, do you mind passing over the powder? Our wigs are quickly losing their luster.?

? what to do when the mechanical shark malfunctioned on the set of ?Jaws??

?You know what Mr. Spielberg, let?s wait to continue the shoot until the shark is completely 100% ready. Movies are so much scarier when you?re able to forgo aspects like mood and suspense and actually show the audience everything!?

? what to do in the 6th millennium BC after a caveman buddy first discovered beer?

?Ugh. Back to the drawing board. But this time, let?s try it without the alcohol.?

? what to do while in the cockpit with Captain Sullenberger on Flight 1540?

?Let?s go ahead and try to get this plane all the way to its original destination. No way we?re attempting a water landing in the Hudson river. That water?s cold!?

? what to do after Al Gore told them about his new ?Internet? invention?

?You really think something like that is going to have a large effect on our society? As if the average Joe is ever going to have enough money, or space, to own a personal computer in his own home. The only people who are going to be using it are eggheads like you. Not much of a ?World Wide Web? if you ask us. Now, if you don?t mind, we really have to get back to converting our large archive of Betamax tapes in VHS. Who would of seen that one coming??

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About Rick Mosely Rick is the editor for TSB magazine.

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