Mosquitoes Deserve No Mercy!

Over the Christmas holidays, my family and I took a nice relaxing trip to the Caribbean island of Jamaica. For a grand total of four glorious nights, we sat on the beach, drank our fair share of rum punches, did some heavy reading (literally, seeing as the book I chose to read was David Foster Wallace’s 50-pound tome Infinite Jest; not the greatest thing to lug back and forth to the beach every day) and just recharged our batteries for a bit.

The trip would have reached a higher tier of greatness, had it not been for our second day of the journey where we took a zipline tour through the nearby Jamaican forest. The tour itself was fine – although “tour” might be a bit of a misnomer, seeing as you can’t really take in the wondrous sights when you’re holding on for dear life, praying to every deity possible not to fall – but what got us (at least me) was these fucking Jamaican mosquitoes. No amount of bug spray would ward these fuckers off: They wanted my blood.

The point of all of this rambling is, if I had access to this point about how to create an amazing mosquito destroying device, motherfuckers would have been deader than Elvis:

So then, this is a call to action. Let’s mass produce these bad boys and start a mosquito holocaust. To those scientists who say mosquitoes are a vital part of our ecosystem, I say think of the Dodo bird. We’re getting by fine without those pussies.