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Finding The Perfect Groundhog’s Day Gift

We all know that the perfect gift is the one that takes time to find and comes from the heart. (Ooooh, an ancient Incan scroll with their word for love!) The infinitely plus one more perfect gift is the one that looks like it takes time to find, like a million days repeated over and over again, and comes from the heart.

relocation32.jpgSo, I’m here to do you a solid and give you a selection of perfect gifts for Groundhog Day. Why Groundhog Day? In the immortal words of John Blutarsky, why not? It’s more surprising to give gifts on Groundhog Day than other February holidays (how many times have I received a top hat and Lincoln beard for President’s Day) and much more romantic because it’s all about holes.

The first thing on everyone’s mind is what’s the perfect gift for a groundhog? Well, we all know that groundhogs are solitary creatures most of the time, except for their special day. They will get out and about a little bit, but because they are not used to driving in traffic, they tend to drive angry and get road rage. Easy, just get a CD of easy listening with John Tesh and his piano of love and music will sooth that savage soul. You’ll never have to worry about Chuck Groundhog driving off a cliff again while you’re in the car.

Much more likely is that you have a special someone who likes groundhogs, which makes sense as she is kind of fluffy and will bite you. Little known fact – people that like groundhogs also like ice sculptures. The best ice sculpture you could choose would be a portrait. This is more romantic than it sounds; because it looks like the person and does not in anyway try to say that their soul, like their sculpted head, is made of ice.

What about that friend who always seems to be scared? Always looking both ways before crossing the street, always wearing her seat belt and always wanting you to wear a condom because she’s so scared of the boogie-oogie man. Well, with your present of term life, whole life and accidental death and dismemberment insurance, she can finally jump out in front of cars, cook toast next to the bathtub and wash the outside windows of her twentieth floor condo.

Alas, there are going to be some of your friends who don’t have anyone special on Groundhog’s Day. For those friends, there will be plenty of time to rub in the fact that they are all alone on the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, so let this be their day. Get them a box of donuts and throw in a couple of danishes as well. It’s your way of saying, it’s ok, be yourself and enjoy this special day with some sweet treats. But, deep in your heart, you know you just want to fatten them up so that you can finally use that “fattie fat fattie fat” line you borrowed from “The Simpsons”. If this seems too cruel, just get your friend an eighty-year-old prostitute to prove that things can be worse. And how much worse depends on what he does with the prostitute.

But, sometimes you have to go off script and just go with what feels right. I understand. Yes, you can go ahead and buy the movie. It will be the perfect gift. I mean, nothing symbolizes rebirth more than this year’s hit movie “Up”. I mean, sniff, did you see, sniff, that sniff, scrapbook? Amazing. Now, if there was only a movie that made sense for next year.

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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."

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