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Picking Your Chatroulette Disguise

As Jon Stewart recently proved, Chatroulette will fade once all the penises and reporters vanish. Then it will become as cool as hanging out at Applebee?s or using Friendster. But, there?s still the possibility of boobies and piano improvisation. So, how can you be a voyeur looking for a bit of entertainment between the 5:10 showing of ?Alice in Wonderland? and your 9:30 ?Cougartown? appointment and still be cool at the same time? Eight letters: Disguise. Well, four more: Good Disguise. Geez, ok grammarians, one more: A Good Disguise.

Any good disguise should be something that helps to obscure your true identity, so it?s time to take a trip through time and look at different concealing methods.

1. Glasses

If there?s anything that Hollywood and comics have taught us, it?s that a pair of glasses can hide the most powerful man in the universe or the most beautiful girl in the school. Also, if there?s anything that looking at wanted posters for men that send letter bombs has taught us, it?s that sunglasses can hide you for a long time. Then, watching televised poker taught us never to wear sunglasses inside again.

Concealment: 10
Ease of disguise: 10
Originality/Attractiveness: 1

2. Masks

A step up from glasses, masks can be everything from what Mr. Incredible wore, to simple ones in ?Eyes Wide Shut? to a presidential mask as seen in ?Point Break.? What are the differences? Well, with a mask just for the eye and nose area, you can use your mouth to show emotions like disappointment (oh, a penis), anger (another penis), disgust (how many penises must a man see, before he can call himself a man?), amazement (that?s ten penises in a row) or elation (it?s not a penis). The blank expression masks allow you to watch, just like Michael Myers and Jason, as the people in the little window on your screen simulate sexual acts. They won?t know that you judge them as your mother taught you to do and that you?re coming to get them. Lastly, full-face masks designed to look like presidents or other famous folk will get you points for being recognizable, but could also expose you to a masturbators Tricky Dick fetish. Unfortunately, unless you have bought a new costume for every Halloween since you were eight and kept them around, all of these would involve a trip to the store. Have you tried buying masks when it?s not Halloween?

Concealment: 8
Ease of disguise: 4
Originality/Attractiveness: 5

3. Electronic Masks

There?s not a better way to attract the ladies than a picture of Brad Pitt?s face attached to your wife-beater wearing body that follows your movements. Look at me girls; ignore the body by Mountain Dew, I?m Brad Pitt! Is your face hidden? Yes. Can they tell you?re a computer dork? Without a doubt.

Concealment: 1
Ease of disguise: 10 (for computer dorks, 1 for the rest of us)
Originality/Attractiveness: 3

4. Cam Angles

You can be a true provider of entertainment on Chatroulette and keep yourself disguised at the same time. Just point your camera at your television and broadcast Jacques Tati?s ?Mon Oncle? for all of the people of Chatroulette to enjoy. It shows that you have discriminating tastes in foreign films and gives other viewers something witty to enjoy. You don?t have a DVD of ?Mon Oncle?? Ok, fine, just point it at some streaming porn on your computer. It could be anyone behind that idea (as everyone on the internet has access to porn) and everyone will stop to watch, giving you ample time to watch them as well.

Concealment: 10
Ease of disguise: 10
Originality/Attractiveness: 8

There you go. Now, you can choose your way to enjoy Chatroulette well into the future and still maintain your image. As an added bonus, you can test drive your Halloween costumes for next year and see that yes, dressing as a hero from ?Kick-Ass? works and no, dressing as Peter Sarsgaard from ?An Education? doesn?t.

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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."

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