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Drunk/Sober/High – Watching the NCAA Tourney

And now, another exciting installment of “Drunk/Sober/High”, in which the author experiences the same event after first being drunk, then sober, and finally high. Enjoy!

The Final Four is set and this year’s NCAA tournament is drawing to a close. Two more nights and we’ll finally be able to say which school has surreptitiously paid the best winning athletes. Which is what I would say when I’m sober and cynical. Wait a second, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning. Once upon a couple of weeks ago, I was drunk at a sports bar…

Drunk

Wow. Wow. Come for the wings, hamburgers, nachos, chicken fingers and chili and stay for the waitresses. Mmmm, I could go for some chili. What’s the score? Better question, who’s playing? Wait a second, am I watching women’s basketball? No you’re not. You can’t be. Look at all the people around you. It’s the guys. Then why are they shooting the ball funny? Where’s the sound of Gus Johnson when you need it? Let me ask someone.

bball1“Excuse me person that’s…wow, is that a chili dog?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Wow, I’ve got to get me one of those.”

I can’t wait until my waitress comes back. Hot waitress. Chili cheese dog. Basketball. Nice layup. I better make sure everyone around me knows that I know what I know what I’m talking about.

“Nice layup. Nice.”

Yeah. Chili cheese dog.

—–

Yes, watching a basketball game with teams that you don’t care about can be fun. No, unless you grew up around the school or went to the school, you don’t really care, you’re just trying to prove you’re an idiot basketball savant. Which is not to say you can’t enjoy the game, like once upon a couple of weeks ago, I was sober at a friend’s house…

Sober

How long do you have to stay until you can excuse yourself and go home? Halftime? End of game? End of post game show? End of the “Jimmy Kimmel Show”? Why did I agree to watch the BYU/Florida game again? I could be cleaning the bathroom grout.

“Nice shot.”

“Yeah. So, who are you rooting for Jason?”

“Well, I don’t care much for the state of Florida. But, I do like the southwestern part of Utah for the great national parks, so I’m going to go with BYU.”

“You know, you don’t really have to explain why to me.”

“Oh. BYU. Plus, I have them in my bracket.”

“Yes. Me too.”

Man, there’s still fourteen minutes left in the half? This better be a good game or I’m leaving at halftime.

—–

Yes, it did turn out to be a good game. But, I only realized that when I got home and turned on the TV during the second half. At that point I had smoked a bowl and was able to enjoy the game at a very simple level of good vs. evil, mano a mano, Mormons vs. Other Religions or blue uniforms vs. other blue uniforms. Once upon a couple of weeks ago, I was high at home…

High

Ohmygosh. They’re moving so fast. They’re like bees. Bees. He’s going to sting you. Stingy. Stingy. Get rid of the ball or he’s going to sting.

What if the net was made of black licorice? When you dunked a ball, could you take a bite? Would that be a trick shot during a dunk contest?

bballThey’re moving too fast. I can’t keep up. Pause. I love tivo. Let’s just watch in slow motion. Nice. Oh, he’s open, he’s open. Nice catch. Ok, this is too slow. Regular speed. Too fast.

I’m just going to watch “Jersey Shore.” They move slower and they’re orange. Orange is funny.

So, those are the drunk, sober and high versions of watching the NCAA Tournament. At least I think I was watching the NCAA Tournament. Is there a Snooki on Northern Iowa’s team?

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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."

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