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Drunk/Sober/High – Watching NASCAR

For many people, NASCAR is the redheaded stepchild of the American sports scene, while for others it is the six foot tall blonde with an amazing spoiler. While not considered part of the big four (football, baseball, basketball and hockey) NASCAR certainly isn’t part of the small four either (competitive lumberjacking, billiards, competitive eating and soccer). But, just like any sport, taking the first dip into a four-hour event can be a bit intimidating. I’m here to let you know what to expect and in what state of mind it will be best to enjoy NASCAR.

nascarBeing drunk is the natural state of any NASCAR fan. Well, being drunk with a lip full of tobacco while wearing a mesh cap advertising your favorite auto-parts store as you slump on the couch with an ice-cold Busch in your hand; that’s the true natural state of a NASCAR fan. As you watch five hundred mile races with cars that average about one hundred and fifty miles an hour, you’ll have plenty of time to reach down to that cooler by your feet to grab another and another. Once you’re into beer four or five and about one hundred miles in, you’ll want the cars to hit each other more. If they want to impress you, they’ll run their car and four others into a wall at ninety miles an hour and walk away like you did when you got your license suspended. You realize that this is one sport you could really do well. Easily. Left turns are a piece of cake when you’re drunk. You could do it now. Fortunately the ankle bracelet you have to wear keeps you inside the house and your dreams drift to being the best jack man you can be.

Of all sports, NASCAR is by far the most dangerous one to watch when you’re high. Yes, it is entrancing with all of the cars moving in concert around a big circle so quickly and so loudly. Zoom. Look at that guy tailgate. Zoom. The billowing smoke from the skid looks like a giraffe. Zoom. Soon, the subliminal effects of the race start to hit you. You really feel like you could eat some M&Ms. Plain and peanut, of course. Which would go great with some Taco Bell. You just heard the driver thank the great people at Long John Silver’s for putting together a great car, but you know they put together great fish, chicken, fries and hush puppies, oh and those little ears of corn. You love those little ears of corn. You immediately wonder if Long John Silver’s delivers, but then the McDonald’s car drives by and you think that McDonald’s isn’t that far away and a filet o’ fish sounds delicious which would go great with a Red Bull energy drink and maybe afterwards, join the National Guard.

The real key to watching NASCAR is you should never do it sober. At first you’ll try to cope with sarcasm as you think that if this is truly the great American sport, shouldn’t they have to change their own tires? Is AAA always right around the corner? No, they’re not. If you can’t change your tires, maybe you should drive on better ones. Just don’t let them get you get started on how they should fill up their gas tanks by themselves. When was the last time you got free gas? They should also have to stick their credit cards into the reader to get approved and have the fear of getting their identity stolen. Stolen, just like that job you were up for last week that would have finally got you over the financial hump. But no, they had to go in a different direction. You’re still here. Going round and round on the hamster wheel of life. Just like the guys in NASCAR. Oh Lord, you realize that NASCAR is a metaphor for your life.

Then you give up and get drunk and that’s when the NASCAR addiction takes hold. Happy drinking.

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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."

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