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Six Pillars of Self Esteem (Part 2 of 3)

The Next Two Pillars of Self Esteem

Last I week I began a three part series on the Six Pillars of Self Esteem. This series is based on the teachings of psychologist Nathaniel Brandon, which he outlined in his classic book. It is very common to hear the phrase “be confident” in any dating advice material you come across. But sometimes this isn’t as easy as it sounds. A big culprit of lack of self confidence, is that many of us are dealing with deep seated self esteem issues.

In an article I wrote awhile backed, I argued that high school may have killed your self confidence. Well, in this series on the Six Pillars of Self Esteem I aim to give you the tools to increase your self esteem resulting in more self confidence. Remember, the six pillars of self esteem are:

1. The practice of Living Consciously
2. The practice of Self Acceptance
3. The practice of Self responsibility
4. The practice of Self Assertiveness
5. The practice of Living Purposefully
6. The practice of Personal Integrity

In the first article I talked about Living Consciously and Self Acceptance. In this article I’m going to talk about the idea of self responsibility and self assertiveness.

The Third Pillar:  The Practice of Self Responsibility

This guy's got plenty of self esteem

This guy's got plenty of self esteem

The premise of the third (and in my opinion, most important) of the pillars is the idea that you are solely responsible for your achievements, choices, actions, and the level of consciousness you live your life with. If you want to live a successful life in all areas it is important for you to believe that you are the steering wheel of your own life.

You have to believe that you are the one who creates your success, that you are the one who creates your mediocrity, and you are the one creating your struggle around meeting women, making money, or living a healthy lifestyle. Too many of us like playing the role of “victim.” People play the role of victim because they believe it gets them something.  But in the end, all you are doing is giving your power to people and things outside of your control. Here are some tips for practicing self responsibility:

  • Stop blaming anyone else for your failures. You are broke, fat, lonely, or insecure because YOU choose to be. Until you accept this, you cannot change.
  • Stop justifying or rationalizing your failures. If you continue to say “I don’t need a relationship to be happy, I’m not that fat compared to other people…” you will never change.
  • Stop complaining. If you actively complain about the way things are, you are subconsciously admitting that you are not in control of changing them.

You also need to keep in mind that no one is coming to save you. Too many of us have this hope that this magical personal will come along and save us or maybe that will magically win the lottery. But you have to finally say “No one owes me the fulfillment of my wishes.” And if you want them, YOU must take them.

The Fourth Pillar: The Practice of Self –Assertiveness

Self assertiveness means you have the willingness to stand up for yourself, be who you are openly, treat yourself with respect, and give yourself permission to go after what you want. I’m often asked a question that goes something like this “I have this friend who naturally gets a lot of women, it seems he just takes whatever he wants. What is his secret?”

My answer to this question usually goes something like this: Your friend is 100% comfortable being who he is and he believes that he should have what he wants. So he goes for it. And he is not intimidated by challenge or obstacles. If you want something you need to go for it.

In a related note, Christian Hudson put out a good video about self confidence in regards to attracting women. Here are some tips for Practicing Self-Assertiveness:

  • Rebel for what you want.
  • You’re not here to live up to other people’s expectations.
  • Be willing to fight for what you want.
  • Be willing to confront challenges.

The thing with all the pillars of self esteem that we will be discussing is that you can not trick yourself.  You know when you’re acting out of fear, when you’re not going for what you want, when you’re avoiding responsibility and this drains on your self confidence.

This is why you need to actively take action towards defeating these limiting behavior’s.

I’ll be back with the final two pillars of self esteem. In the meantime, I recommend you check out the video on Implied Investment.

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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences.  For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.

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