Five Athletes Who Could Also Hijack ESPN
Last Thursday, LeBron James was given an hour of primetime television on ESPN so that he could discuss his decision to play basketball in Miami. Without discussing the validity of the move (it is called free agency for a reason) or the possible narcissism of the show, it got me thinking: who else in the world of sports could get 9.95 million people (according to Nielsen) to watch a twenty-second announcement for an hour?
Accomplishments: Hertz spokesman; star of “The Naked Gun” series; Heisman trophy winner; first running back to eclipse 2,000 yards in a season; some kind of murder trial thingy.
Proof He Could Carry An Hour of Television: Made riding in a Ford Bronco entertaining for at least an hour. I really think that O.J. helped to create the NASCAR Craftsman Truck racing series.
What He Would Announce on That Hour: “If I did get paid to play at USC, it would have been more than Reggie Bush and I would have never been caught or convicted for it. Also, I’m still looking for the real killers. The first place I’m looking is the mirror! Joking, joking. Or am I? I am. Maybe …”
Where Is He Now: Mentally going to his happy place while in jail. Don’t ask him where it is.
Accomplishments: First baseball player to hit 60 home runs in a season; the first player to make the Yankees the winning, overbearing asses they are today; founded athlete tradition of fathering children out of wedlock.
Proof He Could Carry An Hour Of Television: To this day, you can still buy a Baby Ruth candy bar. That said, if he lived today, lawyers would be sure that candy bar didn’t exist unless he was paid half the profit of each bar, meaning the suckers would run 10 bucks a pop and quickly be out of the market.
What He Would Announce On That Hour: “There’s this new invention called television.”
Where Is He Now: Being mentioned every time a baseball player gets close to 700 career home runs, sixty home runs in a season, five illegitimate children or a state of drunkenness.
Accomplishments: Spokesman for his own Nike brand; seventy-one PGA Tour wins; fourteen golf major wins; patient zero for some new amazing hybrid of all of the STDs he’s collected.
Proof He Could Carry An Hour Of Television: Made going to Denny’s and picking up women cool enough that he gave a press conference about it.
What He Would Announce On That Hour: “I am so blessed that I found the woman to be my second wife. Really. There’s no way I’m cheating on her. All of that sex rehab stuff really worked.”
Where Is He Now: The Doghouse, which is this lovely strip club that has two-for-one lap dances on days that end in “day.”
Accomplishments: Sixteen doubles titles to go with zero singles titles, her body.
Proof She could carry an hour of television: Did I mention her looks yet?
What She Would Announce On That Hour: Really. Does it matter?
Where Is She Now: Just finished playing a Wimbledon senior doubles event. Yes, I said senior. Which, in the tennis world, means that eighteen years old is about middle age.
Accomplishments: Helped to make the WWE watchable again in the 90s; hosted Saturday Night Live three times; star of “The Tooth Fairy,” “Race to Witch Mountain” and “Get Smart”; is cooking something.
Proof He Could Carry An Hour Of Television: Have you tried to watch wrestling without him? Here’s a tip. Don’t.
What He Would Announce On That Hour: “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking – on the new television equipped with Odor-vision? I’m going to destroy 3-D with this patented Rock Bottom!”
Where Is He Now: About to star in two more family-friendly movies based on fictional characters, “The Easter Bunny” and “The Movie Executive Who Doesn’t Like Remakes.” Hey-oh!
About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."